Alcoholism Test

I don’t have a comment so much as a question. My dad is a recovering alcoholic, sober for 20 years now. I believe my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He goes to work and still interacts with his family, but he drinks on a daily basis, sometimes lies about it, was just recently in a car accident that he claims he was sober for, but I smelled liquor on his breath. The question I have, though, is whether or not you need a lot of alcohol to get that feeling when you have been drinking for a long time(about 2 years now). He will have a mixed drink(rum and coke) and already I start to notice the slurred words, the different vocabulary, the heavy lidded eyes. I asked my dad and he said that it was possible. Does anyone else know anything about this? Thanks for the time and help.

Casey

Hi Casey,

Yes, it does happen, but you deserve a fuller explanation than I can give here now. I’ll try to write up a more detailed explanation of what could be going on. Expect a post in the next week or so.

Neill

I think my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He admitted this in the past, briefly attended AA, and stopped drinking for a few weeks. He has since started drinking again and now says he doesn’t have a problem. He stays out til 4 AM and drinks heavily sometimes 4 or 5 nights a week, often instead of spending time with me or working. We are having lots of problems (obviously), and I have given him the ultimatum that I will only stay with him if he agrees to reconsider reducing his drinking and make an appointment for us to attend couple’s counseling. Friends and family members are telling me that ultimatums aren’t productive and lead to codependent behavior. Any thoughts? I could really use some help.

I belive my son who is 22 is an alcoholic. His biological dad has alcoholism all in his immediate family. My son lies constantly and has no conscience. He steals our credit cards to go out even though he knows he will get caught. He can not hold a job and has dropped out of college. He can go days w/o drinking, but has a hard time ever drinking 1 drink or 2. He has mentioned recently he thinks he is a functioning alcoholic. I am scared to death. Any words of advice?

Hello again Casey,

As promised, I wrote up a fuller explanation than I could include here. It begins: "We normally associate alcoholism with increased tolerance to alcohol. Alcoholics often are able to drink a great deal before the usual symptoms of intoxication kick in — slurred speech, falling asleep, getting loud, poor balance, and poor judgment which could lead to and accident or a DUI charge. However, there are exceptions. Some functioning alcoholics do indeed show signs of intoxication with as little as a single drink. There are at least two different reasons why this might happen." Read full post. I hope this may be of some help to you.

Neill

Hi J,

Ultimatums are OK as long as you are not bluffing. If you can’t follow through, you may already be slipping into codependency. Remember, "The ultimate bluff is no bluff at all." I suggest you read my two little ebooks, "Addiction and codependency simplified" and "The personal change manifesto." At this point you can still get them free when you subscribe to my monthly letter, so do it now.

Neill

Dear Kathy,

 My heart goes out to you. I have been through the same thing as a parent. I am very reluctant to offer direct advice-I know so little about you. What I can say is that in our case, we had to require our son to leave the house and visit only when invited, institute a policy of never giving him money (no exceptions), never give advice unless asked, and always love him. We privately worried about suicide. We got professional help for ourselves. It took incredible patience, but after a few years, rehab a couple of times, medical problems, lost friends, etc., he cleaned up. He’s now happier than I have ever seen him and the family relationships are excellent. Read Addiction with a twist.

Love and blessings,

Neill

My husband has always been a good provider and never missed a day of work because of drinking. He used to drink beer all the time but switched to wine. He now buys boxes of wine(they last a couple of days) and he only drinks at night after working 14 hour days. We can not really discuss his drinking because he gets very defensive about it but my concern is lately he seems to have extensive memory loss. For example, I can have a conversation with him yesterday and then today he does not seem to remember. Or he knew right after work yesterday I was going to church to work a supper we were having but he still called the house twice looking for me. It must have dawned on him because he then came looking for me before he went home. Is this a sign things are getting worse? I have been very angry and hostile toward him because I just don’t know how to deal with it but that is not fair to him or our children either. Thank you for your help. I try very hard not to let anyone know that this is a concern in our home but our children are getting older and things are getting much harder because my older daughter is starting to provoke him more and more.

Dear Jean,

Yes, your husband’s memory loss is a sign that things are getting worse. The fact that he is getting defensive about his drinking is also a sign that things are getting worse. So is your anger and the fact that you are keeping things secret, and so is the fact that he is getting grouchy with the kids when they approach him. Some of my other articles under the categories of "Alcoholism" and "Codependency" may be of help to you. Jean, please join my mailing list if you have not already done so. I will be releasing a book this spring, entitled "Living with a Functioning Alcoholic, A Woman’s Survival Guide."

Take care,

Neill

PS: I just added an an article about functional alcoholics and their memory problems.

I’m enjoying your site…please take a look and comment in ours…we just started it last week. We are three men who are all long-time Al-Anons, and whose lives have been terribly affected by the disease of addiction.

Ken P

Dear Ken,

Thank you for your comment. I will be watching the growth of your site with interest. Men living with addicted spouses, adult children or parents is a huge but largely invisible problem.

Best wishes,

Neill

hi well i am 15 and i think my dad is an alcholic he always has drank since i can remember because of drinking my mam and dad split up and i havent talked to my dad for a year now he started getting nasty. i dont know what the symptons are though he knewst to complain about bleeding from his back side and coughed up blood and had nose bleeds often every day and has always shook if we went out for the day he would shake until he had a drink. he drinks every day witout a fail and his fridge is full of beer no food just beer he denys and goes mad when you tell him he is an alcholic and gets his way out of it why he is coughing up blood what does this mean does it mean his liver is failing? or he is close to been 6ft under? please write back i need to know asap kasey please can you email me the answers if you do write back would mean alot if you did

Dear Kasey,

I’m not a medical doctor and I cannot give medical advice. What I can say is that if he were a member of my family I would try to get him to see a doctor right away. The bleeding could be a sign of a severe health problem. What you describe about his drinking behavior and symptoms does sound like advanced alcoholism.

Again, he needs to see a doctor, because quitting drinking alone could be dangerous. But whatever happens, always remember that you did not cause it. You can ask him to see a doctor, but whether he does or not, it will be his decision, not yours. It is possible he has chosen to die, and this is his way of speeding it up. It’s not your fault one way or the other.

I lost both my parents when I was young, dad when I was 8 and mom when I was 16, not to alcohol, but to accidents. I know how scary it can be. But he’s still with you. Ask your mom if you can go to a counselor. It could help you a lot. It never occurred to me to do that when I was your age, but I have often wished I had gone to see someone. It would have saved me a mountain of grief later in life. From this awful time I hope you have already made your own decision that you will never go down the path your father has chosen. If you have learned that, it could be the biggest gift you could ever give him. Blessings,

Neill

In reading through your list, it just confirms what I have known, but have refused to admit to others. That my husband is a functioning alcholic. I have known it for some time now..3+ years. I grew up with a VERY abusive & alcholic father myself. While my husband has never ever been physically abusive, I can look back and see the emotional/verbal abuse. It absolutely kills me that our daughter has to deal with the same crap I had to deal with growing up.

She is nearly the same age I was when my parents finally split up - for our safety (me, little brother & mom). I no longer speak to my dad -he hasn’t been involved in my life in over 6 -7 years now. After 30+ years of "dealing with it" I just couldnt anymore. While my husband has always been a ‘beer drinker’. I notice it is more and more and that he is also ’sneaking’ drinks. -usually the hard alcohol-. he will mix with a soda and pretend he isnt drinking. But the slurred words, the facial expressions - I can tell immediately.

Our marriage has had its ups & downs -as do all- but we have survived some pretty extreme problems. 1st our son died @ 20 days old, never came home,was in hospitals entire 20 days of life. 2nd. my medical problems. I had ulcerative colitis (part genetic, partly caused by stress from my own father-started at age 12). then 3rd -just over 2years ago now I nearly died from Necrotizing Faciitis (the flesh eating bacteria). I was in the hospital for 29days with 10 surgeries total. So with ALL the bills for myself and all of my physical ailments then from when our son became ill on his 4th day of life & his stay in 3 different hospitals. I have always tried so hard to keep a positive lookout -no matter what has happened. We only argue (usually) when he has been drinking, and now our 9 1/2 year old daughter is having trouble in school. She has always been an excellent student in K-3rd grades. Now in 4th -she is struggling, we are catching her in lies about schoolwork too. I have always told her -that she can come to me no matter what and talk to me about anything -we have a very close relationship. But I have directly asked her if the problems that her Dad and I have might possibly have something to do with her problems this year. She admited that Yes, she worries about our arguements and is stressed out that we are going to divorce.

I have done my best to assure her that this will not happen, and even explained it to my husband. At first he did not believe me -when I told him about our daughters struggles -and the cause of them. So I told him to ask her himself. She did admit to him and he too assured her, that we loved each other and are not divorcing. (We both come from divorced families and commited in the very beginning to not become a statistic -as our parents did. I know that his Dad too, also had problems with alcohol when he was young-but doesnt anymore). I am just so tired and stressed out and this isnt good for me physically with all my medical problems (there are more than what I listed earlier). His main ‘problem’ with me (so he says) is Sex. I was unable to for over 1 year -due to the Necrotizing Faciitis -and where it was(groin area-I came close to loosing some female body parts). So now that we can - I still have no ‘Desire’ to, ESPECIALLY once he has had a few beers. I just cant. He used to tell me, I am not like your dad, but in reality he is starting to become like him -the verbal abuse -that he doesnt seem to be aware of.

I can talk with our closest friends about it. But even then its very embarresing still. My husband also likes to ask me-quite often- If I want him to ‘get it’ somewhere else? If I wont do it, then what is he supposed to do? ((it is ALWAYS about him.."what about me" he is often saying)). And I just think…well -what about ME Dammit! And how am I supposed to have desire -for a drunk. NO WAY! Is there Anything you could recommend. I have brought up with him -only when sober- that he might have a problem with alcohol and he agreed that ’sometimes he drinks too much’. but of course - its my fault.

I will mention that I used to drink too -not as much as him though, but due to a problem with my liver I am not supposed to. I have Secondary Sclerosing Cholangitis = caused by my ulcerative colitis. –just another one of my many medical problems. so I really have enough to worry about with myself, His crap just adds to the stress of daily life. Like I said before, I am just so tired of it all. Thank you.

Lara in Oregon

I’m quite sure my husband is a functioning alcoholic. His mother is an alcoholic and has been for a long time. He has never gotten along with his mother and is quite embarassed and disgusted by what she has become from her drinking. His family has never much discussed her alcoholism, though they all know she is one. He and his family have never been known for their communication skills.

My husband has always been a beer drinker and loves his beer. I have often thought he may have a problem, but am quick to discount it and make excuses. He is not at all abusive verbally or physically, in fact, he’s in a much better mood once he’s had a couple beers after a day at work. I have noticed he has been drinking about 10 beers a night. He gets up every morning and goes to work, doesn’t drink and drive, and there are really no terrible things happening…yet. We don’t have children yet, though I want to start a family soon, and the excessive drinking scares me. He doesn’t seem to black out, just comes to bed a little tipsy at the end of the evening. I asked him about it a week or so ago and he told me he’d cut back and said he understood where I was coming from. I have since found beers hidden, and between the hidden beers and the ones in the fridge, he is still drinking 10 a night.

It’s so hard to really say too much since he isn’t turning into a terrible person when he drinks, though I assume if he keeps this up, that will change, maybe. I’m feeling very lost, and like a bit of an idiot for beleiving him when he told me he’d cut back. Any recommendations on how to approach him so he doesn’t get upset and defensive, but rather is able to understand what I"m saying? Am I right to think that he has a problem?

Lara,

I saw your note on Dr. Neill’s web site. It sounding like ME talking! Except for your medical problems. I hope you are doing much better in that area. I would love to talk to you….please feel free to email me at sweetdrmr2@aol.com anytime. Thanks so much and I’ll be praying for you.

Harriet

Dear Lara and Sharon,

My heart goes out to both of you. Your questions are important, but too difficult to answer properly in a short comment section. So instead of attempting it, I have written two longer posts, one on March 20 called Alcoholism and Marriage and one on Mach 25 called Getting Help for a Marriage with a Functioning Alcoholic. I hope these articles are of some help to you. My book on living with a functioning alcoholic will be available in May. If you haven’t already done so, sign up for Practical Psychology for Capable People at the top of the page and you will be notified.

Neill

In June (2007), my husband and I will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. Honestly, it is a true miracle we have survived this long. I firmly believe that my husband is a functioning alcoholic. I see here that we fit the alcoholic test. My concern is if there is hope in our marriage. I feel as if I’m up against a brick wall. My husband claims to be happy with the marriage. However, I recently found out that he is cheating when he drinks as well. The first known incidence he claims the girl pursued him. The second incidence he doesn’t remember. Recently, the third incidence I caught him. He was drinking but not drunk. He tried to claim I was losing my mind/psychotic. I feel I was very calm giving the situation. I feel there is no turning back. He claims he can and will do better. What do I look for that he is sincere at improving? I don’t want to waste my time on hopeful promises like I have in years past. I need some direction. I’m do love him but dread his vicious cycle.

Dear Tonya,

My heart goes out to you. From what you say, your husband may have a sex addiction in addition to his alcoholism. Addiction is compulsive behavior and is not likely to change just because he intends it. My guess is, and it is a guess since I don’t know you, that the reason you are still there after all the betrayal, excuses and blame is that you have become codependent with him, that is, you are addicted to his care, and your addiction keeps you from looking after yourself. Read my articles on codependency, but more importantly, get some professional help for yourself so you can gain some clarity. If you get clear and he goes into rehab because he wants to, your marriage could survive. I’m sorry I can’t be more encouraging, Tonya.

Neill

My husband and I will be married 3 years in July, 2007, we’re both 42 years old. We both drank socially before we were married and at the beginning of the marriage. He, at the time, worked as an inventory warehouse manager and I as an accountant. In addition over the next 2 years put a 2-story addition on our house and are renovating the older section of the house.

During that time, we drank more often while working. It was fun, we were newlyweds, we didn’t think much of it. In July of 2006, he was ‘let-go’ from his job because of a new management team coming in, basically, and we decided he should start his own home improvement company. Over the next 2 months I got the corporation started, applied for the home improvement license which he had to take a test for, took care of all the insurance requirements, etc. He started advertising and doing small side jobs until the license came in.

By October into November of 2006 I noticed he was home everytime I would stop by, he was sleeping most of the time. And slept most of the night and still saying he was tired in the morning. He was also buying porn off the TV at $14.00 a show, which was adding up and also not showing up for jobs, which the customers were calling me to see why he hadn’t shown up. He also started a couple jobs and never went back. I assumed he was depressed and having problems with being fired. So I called to make an appointment for him to see a psychologist. She gave him an anti-depressant called Lexapro which he took for a while and then said it made him feel funny so he wanted to change it to another. In the end he changed types 4 times and continued to drink through the entire process even though the doctor advised him not to. I, in the meantime, had to have a cervical fushion and was out of work for 6 weeks and then could only work part time for the next 3 months. During this time, he turned everything and everyone’s attention to me.

Everything from my kids (not his) were bad and didn’t help around the house to I have issues from my childhood that I need to deal with, etc. He got his whole family involved and against me (while I was doing nothing but trying to help him) I hadn’t been drinking because of the surgery and he had been saying he hadn’t been drinking since January because of the medicine, I just recently found out that he’s been lying to me, not only about the drinking, but also about taking the anti-depressants. He had taken the Lexapro but none of the others. He was hiding the alcohol (he drinks whiskey) outside. I’ve threatened to leave several times and have even gone to see a lawyer, but then one week he’ll admit he has a problem and the next says he doesn’t.

I see a counselor that told me I can’t monitor another adult, but find it hard to not know if he’s been drinking. I have to worry if he drives with my 6 year old daughter or my older boys or even me for that matter. I do check his bottle on occasion and notice he drinks in the middle of the night and in the morning. If I complain he’ll just hide it. I’m not sure what to do at this point. The rollercoaster ride is killing me. It’s just so strange to me that everything was fine before the firing and the new business (he did admit to having anxiety about going to jobs). I’m worried about codependency and what I should do. I know I can’t help him, he has to want to help himself. If anyone else wants to email me my address is JCiotola@gsgcpaonline.com.

Thanks, ~Janet

Hello Janet,

I’m sorry you are in so much pain. There are some things you can be sure of. One of them is that alcoholic lie. Period. I’ve never met one who didn’t. Another is that alcohol is a depressant, and there is no point in taking antidepressants and depressants together. By blaming others he is by definition making himself a victim. If you respond to his cry to be rescued, you enable him to continue his alcohol abuse. You don’t help anyone if you become addicted to his care. (codependency)

Safety comes first. If you are out together, you drive and it’s non-negotiable until some months have passed after this is all worked out. (His word about his relationship to alcohol is worthless.) He NEVER drives your kids anywhere. The kids are told not to ride with him and they deserve a truthful explanation. To let an alcoholic drive your kids, even if he hasn’t had a drink in a week, is child neglect, because you cannot know whether he has had a drink or might have one when he is out with them. This all probably sounds pretty heavy, Janet, but alcoholism and codependency are that way. I go into a lot more detail in the book which should be out in late May. I’ll be notifying you.

Neill

my husband of 8 years, is an alcoholic. he admits to it, and says he’s not going to quit. when he is sober, he is always apoligizing, but when he drinks, he could care less if i walked out. in fact he instagates arguments, trying to get a rise out of me. I don’t want to leave him, because 98% of the time, he is wonderful, and loves me, and treats me great. If I give him an ultimatum, I know he will go get grunk, blame me, then say go ahead he doesn’t need me anyway. what’s is my problem? Why can’t i gather enough strength to leave? i love him to death, and we have so much fun inbetween these times, i forget about the bad times…

 Confused in CA.

Dear Confused in CA,

Of course you love him! He is counting on it (partially unconsciously) to keep the cycle of abuse and apology in place. If you leave him now there will be a lot of heartache. If you put your life on hold for 10 or 15 years and then separate, there will be a lot more heartache all through that waiting period. What’s best for you? Getting a life, and if that means separating, then face the pain and do it. What’s best for him? Your leaving may catch his attention and he may take responsibility for himself (eventually). It sounds like he doesn’t want to be with you, but can’t face the responsibility of initiating a separation. If no one takes action it will only get worse as his alcoholism progresses. Find a good counselor who, without judgment, can help you get some clarity about your life, and then do what you have to do. I feel for what you are going through and wish you the life you deserve.

Neill

Dear Neill,

I found your web site trying to confirm whether or not my husband is an alcoholic. My husband drinks every single day at the same time of day. His personality goes through stages. At the beginning of his drinking 3PM he is usually happy and enthusiastic about life. He comes up with ideas for trips, vacations, purchases etc. Then as time goes on he becomes angry and mean. By 6pm , I am afraid to come home. I have twin 3year olds and a 4 year old. They are now frightened by their dad’s evening behavior. They want to spend time with him in the evening but I must keep them away from him for fear that any contact with him will trigger an episode. Nothing I do is right though, If I do not contact him , he will be angry. If I do , he will be angry. We have frequent calls from bill collectors and banks. He always claims they are wrong or just annoying. We live in a big house with a large mortgage. I know nothing about our finances because he keeps me isolated. He won’t talk about anything without anger, especially his drinking. He says he drinks for stress, mostly that I cause. I have 3 small children and always believed a family with a mom and dad was the best. I am now wondering whether staying with this man is really beneficial in the end , to the children. The answer seems obvious, but I am still unsure. My husband will not admit his share of the problem. thanks for being there.

karen

I came across your site in search of help.I am a codependant and my husband of almost 20 years is a binge drinker. He has had doctors talk to him about the shape his liver is in for a man his age(41). He has said many times he needs help, but he has made no effort to get help. I have recently decided , once again, to leave him. I have told him before i was leaving, but after tears, promises,begging, and threats, I would always stay. This time I’m looking for an apartment first and moving out while he is at work. It does’nt feel right, almost cowardly, doing that way, but I think once I get out I wont move back in.This will happen in the next 2 weeks or sooner if I can find an apartment I can afford. Any suggestions at all for me.We have no children and he has never hit me. The walls get a beating but as far as me it’s verbal abuse and making me feel like I’m a terrible wife.

Dr. Neill,

I have been married 25 years. I had to file for divorce because I could not take the drinking anymore. What I worry about is did I do enough to try to get him help. His excuse to drinking is money situation and stress. Everything seems to be that I am the problem. He has been drinking pretty hard for 6 years now. I have begged for him to get help and he has even quit a couple times, but money situations seems to always be the reason he goes back. I have even tried to get his father to help him but he says he’s a grown man and he’ll have to make his own decisions. We have a daughter that is 19 and he has even threatened to not have anything to do with her if she shows even the least bit of kindness towards me. I had to have him served with a mental hygiene petition because he stayed drunk for 3 days and urinated himself repeatedly. They picked him up and put him in handcuffs for 5 hours while he sobered up. After 4 hours of sitting there they check is blood alcohol level and it was at 2.86. Of course since he sobered up he was mental able to talk his way out of the petition. But to this day he says that was the turning point in our marriage. The officer told me it would either make him realize he needed help or turn him against me. Well it turned him against me. All his friends he has now are drinkers and they are backing him up and turning on me. Did I do the right thing? Or what would you have done different?

Teresa

Hi Teresa,

From what you say, the only thing you did wrong was wait too long. By waiting and trying to help, you dug yourself in deeper. Alcoholics refuse to take responsibility for themselves; otherwise they wouldn’t be alcoholics. Blaming you for his addiction offloads his responsibility onto you. It never was your fault. It never was your responsibility to get him help; it was always his. And only a truly insensitive boor, and addict or a psychotic would use his child as an instrument to bully his wife. His father is right. Don’t walk, run. And stay away from his poisonous friends. Leave all the negotiating to your lawyer and thereby attempt to maintain your sanity. Your daughter will figure things out. Best wishes in creating a new life for yourself.

Neill

Dr Neill,

My husband admits that he is an alcoholic and tells me he has no intention of cutting back or quitting because he enjoys it. He is not abusive and functions with regards to work and most of his responsibilities. However he starts drinking as soon as he gets home from work and often stays up late. He always seems to get the drunkest at functions in which I attend. He really celebrates my special occasions until he totally ruins it for me. He says he is just having a good time. The past number of occassions he was so drunk he started falling down on the floor. I have tried to talk to him about what this is doing to his health and our family, he just ignores me. He doesn’t fight with me, he just gets up and goes to another room. I may be upset about this and later he will go along as if there is nothing wrong, talking as if everything is fine.

I am not a rude person, if someone speaks to me I will answer. He pays no attention to the sadness on my face or in my voice and I feel like I am dying inside. I have become a workaholic in order to avoid social functions. Friends have come to accept that I am very busy and have given up inviting us out. He then says he drinks from boredom because I work too much. He nows goes out a few times with guys from work and that gets me off the hook. I am tried of always being with the drunkest man at a party, but I am also tired of sitting with a drunk man in our home so much. I have been very seriously thinking of leaving lately but I have a couple of reservations. I have worked very hard to get where I am today and at the age of 52, I do not want to start over as I have no retirement pension or medical insurance and he does. Also I am worried on how God looks on divorce. I feel helpless! I would really appreciate any advise you could offer.

I’ve been with my husband for 3.5 years…there were only about 4-5 days that he didn’t drink(before oparation, the visiting of his oder sister whom he hides his drinking behavior from). He loves Vodka, easily finishes 1.5 liter(half gallon) in 2-3 days. He always drinks after work, starts from 5pm until be goes to bed. I DON’T DRINK AT ALL…so, I can see how he changes from time to time during the evening. He denies it all the time and always blames me on everything I do. His father was an alcoholic and died when he was only 55(my husband is 52 now). Actullay, my husband is a very sweet person but everytime he gets drunk, he’ll be very angry, nasty and vicious. I didn’t know what it was before until 8 months ago. I always thought that because we didn’t get along or I didn’t do good enough for him. Everybody seemed to know that he was drunk when they talked to him on the phone but I just never thought he was that bad. I start to realize that we have nothing in common, he loves to drink and hangs out at the bar..I can’t drink and hate sitting at the bar, he’s 52 and he’s not gonna change it.Thanks god we don’t have kids together. Yes..I’m hopeless and helpless. His family knows about his problem and understands if I’ll leave him. I love him very much but I’m SO UNHAPPY. It’s getting worse, he just drank up all 2 bottles of 1.5 liter Vodka in 4 days. I hate the weekend because he’ll start to drink since 12 or 1 pm and will gets drunk by 6 pm, the nightmare will start from there. He’s also very verbal abusive, he doesn’t hit me or anything though(i’m sure he’s afraid to go to jail). He wouldn’t admit that he’s an alcoholic, he had got DUI 3 times, he went to rehab once..and he’s STILL THE SAME. Please advise..THANK YOU

My dear husband is 39 he is never mean no matter how much he drinks…he isn’t even embarassing and doesn’t fall down. He goes to work like he is supposed to and always does a project around the house when he gets home. Spends a few moments doing something with the kids and holding me affectionately saying how much he appreciates my love and patience. He drinks at least 12 beers every night, eats like a bird often skipping dinner, and seems to be losing his memory …we never argue about it, because I never say anything..you see, my first husband died of a drug overdose(I have never done drugs) and my 2nd husband died shortly after we divorced…the doctors felt he may have damaged his heart in his binge drinking 20’s…I can’t face it again…I can’t beg someone to stop killing themselves again and I don’t want to leave because I love him so..he has 2 kids, I have 2 kids and we have a 6 month old daughter together…he has never, not once in 2 years raised his voice at me or said anything negative or cruel..he admits he has a problem but does not want to go toAA because he feels some members are addicted to meetings and doesn’t want to deal with corny chanting and what-not..will he need a doctor’s help to quit since he drinks so much? That is a lot isn’t it? Thank you

I wrote my first comment back on April 17, 2007. Here is my update: After trying to recruit help from his family with no success, I tried to go to counseling together with him, he made it extremely difficult to the point the counselor only wanted me there. Then I tried to get him to go see a different counselor alone and he made up some excuse about her cursing at him, which was untrue because I called the woman the next day and of course she said it was not true. At times it did seem to be getting better, he was at least working (so I thought). Come to find out he had hired workers and was coming home and paying them to do the work while he drank all day at home alone. He continued to lie to me about drinking during the day by hiding the bottles (I found stashes all over). He would be good for a while and then something would set him off and he would run away to the mountains for days. Finally almost 3 weeks ago he ran off again. He called his workers a few days later and told them he was folding the company. I had to have a few of the jobs he left finished and collect what ever I could. I sent him separation papers the next day. Which he signed because there was a monetary settlement involved. My only issue is that he is telling everyone that the reason we are separated is because I cheated on him - 4 times for that matter, which is an out and out lie. I never came close to cheating on him ever. He also is telling everyone intimate details about our sex life during our marriage trying to persuade them to believe him. We’re now separated and he still trying to ruin my life. HELP!!!

Hi Janet,

Congratulations on moving on. When he tells lies about you and tries to ruin your life, take consolation in the fact that all alcoholics lie. Most will recognize that he is not telling the truth. Move as fast as possible to complete a divorce. While you are still married, he will continue to abuse you. When you are divorced, there is little point and he will probably lose interest. If he doesn’t, you have legal remedies. Whatever happens, don’t cave in when he tries to sweet talk you into taking him back. Don’t even let him stay on the couch overnight. You may be tempted, but don’t give in.

Best wishes,

Neill

Dear Dawn,

Your post touched me deeply. I couldn’t answer you right away because I have personally had to face the deaths of a son, three client, an uncle and a close friend in the past 9 months. Your husband sounds like a really good man who for some reason is on a self-destructive path with alcohol. That was my path years ago. I was a good breadwinner, husband and father, but I wouldn’t alive today if I hadn’t stopped drinking. I don’t know what he is keeping buried by drinking; he may not even know.

I didn’t realize till years later that I was burying the pain of being separated from my first two children You said, “I can’t beg someone to stop killing themselves again.” You are absolutely right not to do that; it only makes things worse. But by all means do tell him of your fears and what his drinking is bringing up in you. He cares about you and need to know that. Do your research on treatment options so you have the info at your fingertips if and when he wants to change. He says that some AA members are addicted to meetings. He’s right: some are addicted to meetings and some will be “in recovery” for the rest of their lives. But many people use AA and its principles for short-term help and move on to live fulfilling lives without alcohol. You asked, “…will he need a doctor’s help to quit since he drinks so much?” Your husband may be able to quit on his own. I did; but if I had known what I know now, I wouldn’t have attempted it on my own. There can be very serious symptoms during the detoxification period–sometimes even death–and there is no way to know in advance what any particular person will experience. So medical supevision is the best option. However, quitting and detoxing is just the first step. During the post-acute withdrawal phase, which could last several years, a lot of old baggage will come up. Failure to recognize and deal with the underlying mental health issues, with or without professional help, is a primary cause of relapse into alcoholism. All of these issues are covered in more detail in my forthcoming book, Living With A Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide. I hope this has been of some help.

Love and Blessings,

Neill

I am in love with a fireman… and i know he really loves me too… but I think he is an alcoholic. He denies that he has a problem… but he drinks almost every single day. He comes home from his "part-time" job, usually getting off around 2pm. If he doesnt stop for a drink on the way home, he opens a bottle of wine once he gets home. On good days, he will lay on the couch and watch baseball, finish off a bottle of wine and go to bed. Other days, he is out with his buddies "celebrating". When I expressed my concerns over his drinking, he gets very defensive… denying he is an alcoholic, stating "I hang out with my buddies… it is just what we do." And his tone is telling me to just "drop it".

Every social activity or outing involves stopping for a "cocktail" or having a drink with dinner. He is a wonderful man, caring and loving. He never misses work and is able to function completely in his work environment. He usually cuts back on drinking the day before his firefighter’s shift or doesnt drink at all. His drinking is far worse in the summer months when the temptation to be "out" with his buddies is a daily carrot dangled before him. He is inhibited by weather during the winter, and social activities are minimal. Every summer he retreats from me, disappearing for weeks at a time. I think it is because he is hiding his addiction. I’ve noticed memory losses too. He breaks his promises to call constantly when he is "out" with his buddies. He was involved in 911, but we dont talk about it. I’m worried about him… and I love him, yet I think for my own happiness, I should move on. He has disappeared for over a month this time… and I’m broken-hearted. I dont know if he is okay, or just hiding. My friends think he cheats when he is out drinking, and then he is so consumed with guilt that he cannot face me. The fireman needs saving, but I dont know how to save him. Any advice? Or should I just move on?

Dear Cyn,

Any man who denies heavily and disappears is a very troubled man. And alcohol helps him to further dissociate from reality or whatever else he doesn’t want to face. Whether he is fully addicted to alcohol or not, he is showing all the usual signs of deterioration into alcoholism. There are a few articles on my website in the category “Alcoholism” which you may find helpful. Everything is covered at a deeper level in my ebook, LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC – A WOMAN’S SURVIVAL GUIDE. It will be available for sale on my website about September 15, or sooner if you are on my Newsletter list. I’m sure this is tearing you up, Cyn, and eventually you may decide to leave because you can’t accept living with an alcoholic. I suggest you continue to educate yourself about alcoholism and what you as his partner should do and not do, whether you are still there or have moved on. I hope this is of some help.

Blessings,

Neill

I am a mother of three children under 7 and one of my children is a very well managed type 1 diabetic. My life is complex and I know my lawyer/husband is a functioning alcoholic. What I have recently discovered is how stupid I have been. For years he convinced me he didn’t get drunk, but BUZZED. Now that I have snapped out of denial I am proud to say "there is no difference between buzzed for hours and being drunk". Now I am building my own life with our children and forgeting his chaos. The loss of our family, but now my children will have a choice of how to live.

Dear Dr. Neill Neill,

My heart goes out to you for being such a giving and supportive individual to all the people who have written to you this year. I am sure your comments have lifted many of them and I was happy to read that Gerald has had some success with his wife. It saddens me to hear there are so many men/women with this disease. All the best to you and yours. The world needs more caring individuals like yourself.

I’ve been with a wonderful man for the last 3 years. He’s definitely an alcoholic, but is never abusive or violent. He drinks beer, liquor and wine daily. He is divorced and has a 10 year old daughter who is with him every other weekend and one night per week. I am not much of a drinker, but will have a glass of wine or a cocktail in a social setting. His father is an alcoholic, and his mother drinks, too, but I don’t think she’s a problem drinker. The problem with him is his emotional distance. One minute I’m the love of his life and the next, he wants space. He’s admitted repeatedly that he has a "bad habit" and that he needs to cut back, but never seems to do it. Recently, his daugther has started displaying signs that she doesn’t want to spend time with him (crying, wanting to call her mom several times a day, telling me confidentially that he acts "weird"). All his friends are heavy drinkers, and one in particular is one paycheck away from living on the streets. He has no structure in his life to support him should he decide to stop drinking. About a month ago, he went 13 days without a drink (on his own), caved in, and then went another 8 days. He recently ended our relationship - which may be a blessing in disguise, I suppose - but I don’t understand it. He claims to love me, has acknowledged many times that I’m the only non-drinking person in his life and that I’m so supportive. So what gives? I’ve heard from a close friend ours that since our break-up he’s been drinking heavily with one of buddies. Should I simply walk (or run!) away, or should I try to offer support in the capacity of a concerned friend?

I divorced a man who had drank for 20+ yrs. I was dumb anough to think having a family would make him stop. It didn’t….he went to the bar 5 days/week. Made promises he didn’t keep, and after 3 yrs. of being divorced he continues to drink. Only now it’s 6, sometimes 7 days a week. He’s had 2 DUI’s which did not affect his alcohol abuse. I wish there were a ‘magic cure’ for alcoholism.

My husband has been a functional alcoholic for at least 20 years. He’s had more than one doctor tell him to quit drinking, although no medical problem has resulted from his drinking (so far). He drinks whiskey daily, most of the times until he passes out. He also has a shot (or two) in the morning on weekends. If he wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep, he has a couple of drinks, and this morning, in fact, he was drunk at 6:30 AM when my son and I got up, and had to call out of work. I "disassociated" myself from his drinking years ago (when I stopped drinking myself). However, my problem is my two children. I have a 17 year old son we just discovered is smoking pot regularly, and a 15 year old daughter who hates my husband’s drinking, and has hidden and dumped out his cache. We’re starting family counselling this week for my son’s issues, but I know my husband’s addiction will surface (how could it not?). I’m just hopeful he will stay with it, but I have my doubts……. I just wanted to let you know your "test" was right on. I’ve read a lot about this over the years, so nothing was a surprise to me, but he sure fit the profile. I hope I’m not enabling him, I try to be aware of it. I do cover all the kids evening activities because he can’t drive, but other than that I don’t even bring up his drinking anymore because there doesn’t seem to be a reason to fight about something only he can decide to change. Thanks for listening.

I found you through an internet search. I was searching for some guidance to tell me whether or not I am an Alcoholic. I figure I am; and pretty much knew I was from long ago. I am a 36 year old single parent of two wonderful and successful children; girls the both of them. They have developed into strong, smart, self determined, and unique individuals of the age of 13 and 14. I am their best friend without a doubt, but as a human being and father I feel less than adequate.

I drink daily to the point of "numbness," physically or perhaps more importantly physiologically. As an individual I suffer some medical consequences some or none of which may be related. I am a diabetic at the age of 36 an have high blood pressure; apparently no high cholesterol. I exercise every day walking 8.5km a day and 7 days a week to mitigate the health issues associated with my physical problems.

I haven’t told my doctor of my drinking problem mostly due to the shame I feel associated with it. I’m curious if my drinking has much to do with my health problems or if that is just a result of my family history associated with it. I diet religiously and exercise religiously, though I continue to consume on average 800 calories worth of alcohol a day. I’ve lost over 60lbs of weight in the last 2 years despite my unhealthy practice of drinking nearly daily. I’m religious in my diet and exercise routines; how is my lack of transparency affecting my health and my doctors ability to diagnose and treat me? Any information would be appreciated.

Casey-
I have noticed the same behavioral changes after one drink. My husband thinks I am crazy, but there is a marked difference. I have left my husband with my four month-old, because I was scared of his actions. I can still see the man behind the disease though and am wondering if its foolish to hope he will change?

MY NAME IS JACKIE AND I AM MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL MAN. HE IS A SCHOOL TEACHER AND A COACH, VERY SUCCESSFUL. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 4 MONTHS. DATING, WE WOULD SIT BY THE POOL AND DRANK. BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED I NOTICED THAT HE WOULD DRINK ALONE AT HIS HOUSE, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD A PROBLEM AND HE SAID NO. IT IS BEGINNING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR ME. HE RARELY DRANKS THROUGH THE WEEK AND IF HE DOES ITS 4-6 BEERS. ON THE WEEKENDS IF WE HAVE NO PLANS HE SITS IN HIS RECLINER, READS THE PAPER, WATCHES TV, AND DRINKS HIS BEER (USUALLY AROUND 15). THE PROBLEM I AM HAVING IS THIS: NO MATTER HOW MANY HE HAS HE WETS THE BED, THIS IS VERY FRUSTRATING. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, I HAVE TALKED WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY ABOUT THIS, AS WELL AS HIM. I AM NOT SURE IF HE IS AN ACOHOLIC, BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER BEEN AROUND ONE. BEFORE I MET HIM, I WOULD GO OUT TO BARS WITH THE GIRLS AND GET DRUNK. WHY IS IT SOOO HARD FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE DOES THIS. HE DOESNT GO TO BARS, DOESNT HIDE DRINKING FROM ME, AND ISNT ABUSIVE. PLEASE ADVISE - I DONT WANT OUR MARRIAGE TO END…

Hi Jackie,
First of all he should go to his doctor and be checked for any physical problem–prostate, bladder, diabetes, etc. If all is clear there, the bed wetting may be psychological in origin.

Regardless, it sounds like he is alcohol dependent, that is, he is an alcoholic. The reason for his alcohol abuse may be to avoid facing the same past events that are leading to his bed wetting. So my second recommendation is that you both stop drinking completely for at least 5 months and see what happens. If he can get some good psychotherapy too, that would be even better.

A good marriage is worth fighting for.

Love and blessings,
Neill

My boyfriend and i have been together for almost four years. I have a eight yr. old son that just adores him the problem is my boyfriend drinks every night. on the weekdays he will have 6 to 8 beers, on the weekends he will go through 12 or more a day. Every night he falls asleep on the couch around 8 or 9. i am having a really hard time telling if he has an alcohol problem because he does go to work and is doing a great job, he also comes home and helps clean on occasion. I am just concerned because my son is starting to make comments about his drinking and says all he does while i am not home is drink and not play with him and is always sleeping. i have also caught my boyfriend a few times waking up at 1am and peeing in the garbage can (on those nights when he has 12 or more beers) please i need to know what you make of all of this. I have no idea if he really is a functioning alcoholic or not. I need to know for me and my son.

Dear Kim,
My heart goes out to you. There is little doubt that your boyfriend is an alcoholic. He may be still functioning at work, but he is past functioning at home and without a change, he won’t last. It is a slow way to die. There are a lot of things in my book that will help you to help him, while still looking after yourself and your son.

Neill

I lived with an alcoholic for 3 years. He lost his job 3 months ago and seems perfectly happy to sit home all day, drink an 18 pack and not try to find a job. All of his unemployment is spent on cigarettes and beer. He has not given me any money towards bills. I work 4 jobs and have two small children 9 and 7. He told me the other night I shouldn’t buy things for my children. I blew and told him to get out. He can spend 40 a day on cigarettes and beer and I don’t drink and the bills are paid by me and I’m not supposed to buy my children things! I don’t think so. I asked him to choose between the beer and me. Surprise, he chose the beer. I hope he’s happy with her, hope she pays his bills for him. Chalk another relationship destroyed up to alcoholism.

I have been married for almost 10 years. My husbands drinking has been a problem for at least 3-4 years. I have confronted him several times and he is currently doing the right thing. I have prayed a lot about it. He is a good father as far as playing with our 7 and 5 year. He helps with them in all ways, including shower time, eating, etc. He tries to quit drinking and has been successful in about two week increments as far as I know. In the past, I was ready to leave him but now am a bit more relaxed about it. Currently, if his alcoholism is not affecting the kids and I, I feel unjustified for leaving him. We are doing good at this moment. But just a little over a week ago, I left the house and came back unexpectedly. He had a drink fixed and poured it out when he knew I found it. I have become so calm about it. I just keep telling him that he should remember that he is responsible for his drinking, NOT ME, and that eventually it will reach the bad point again (driving around for hours after work, yelling at myself and the kids over little things, being disrespectful) but do I wait until the next time he messes up. How do I determine when enough is enough? He recently started Paxil as prescribed by his doctor to assist with him to stop drinking. He took it over the Thanksgiving holiday and it made him lie around and sleep the whole time. What do I do?

Also, when he is not drinking, I love to be around him. I still love him.

I think the term "functional alcoholism" is amazing. As an aspiring alcoholic I think the issue truly lies in sobriety. If people would spend a little more time making the sober world better, we would spend more time in it.

Hi Jesse,
You are one of the “people” and you are already making the word better through your amazing artwork. So lets together do our bit to make the world better. I would invite you simply to be more conscious of your gifts; and that may mean sobriety or significant periods of sobriety.

Best wishes,
Neill

My exhusband is a functioning alcoholic. We were married 20 years before he left me. He is rarely visably drunk, but can’t go for more that 4 hours without a drink and drinks himself to sleep every night. At time of divorce he was charging about $250 a month at the liquor store. That didn’t include cash and what he spend at bars. He says he needs a drink just to be able to act "normal’. When I asked him to cut back, he hid it in the garage. The problem is that he now has joint custody of our now 10 yr. old girl. I voiced my concerns about his drinking at our divorce hearings, but lawyer said with no DUI’s or proof (other than credit card bills) I didn’t have a case. He is not supposed to drink 24hrs prior or while he has custody of our child.

Our daughter says he drinks while he has her, but I don’t know how to prove it. She is terrified to spend the night with him and cries hystericaly if he tries to make her. Right now, he is not "forcing" her to spend the night, but he hints that it is his right and one day she will HAVE to stay over. She knows from experience she may not be able to wake him in the night if she has a problem. He uses the fact that he could "force" her to spend the night and is not doing so to intimidate me. I don’t want to keep our daughter from him, but I DO want him to be responsible and sober when he has her. What should I do? I don’t have money to hire a lawyer, nor do I have the proof for a case…yet. In the mean time, our daughter is being traumatized by the thought that she may be forced to spend the night with her alcoholic father. Thank you.

my boyfriend drinks from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed (at least 12 a day ) but almost always more than that ! he is never mean abusive or anything like that, he helps with the house chores and attends school functions with me for my 2 children ,never slurs stumbles around or wets the bed, he and i are not working i recently had surgery and he recently was fired (unclear of reason why) I just found out this time ariund he had been to rehab prior to our meeting my son admires him for who he is w/o the drinking (he is 14) my 12 yr old daughter and he tangle all the time she says he is weird. he and i are both 43 yrs old theres alot to this way to much to carry on . i loved him in the past with all my heart now somewhere in my heart i am trying to find where and why i do love him money and jobs are scarce but when there is a few dollers he does bring home bread milk etc. but there is always THE BEER for 6 months now i have never seen him drink anything not even water just beer and an occasional jack daniels shot even when he takes his "HAVE TO TYLONOL PM " to sleep he drinks beer to wash it down. he goes nowhere with friends at all only to events we ask him to most of the time then its straight to the fridge with shaky hands hes a heavy smoker too He is a gourgeous man and im watching him crumble in size skinny skinny legs belly getting bigger and bigger I could go on but i think you all are getting the picture here . We dated 3 months I was totally in love scared but totally in love (not scared of the drinking because i didnt know then but scared of the feeling of what was happening to me ) then out of the blue he sent a txt just want to be single .hope you understand ! i was devastated I lost a good position at work for failure to show ,I lost interest in my kids and myself i lost 30 pds — then outof the blue again a friend calls and says there is a problem with him and i go to him seriously though I think if i had went or anyone had of went a day let alone an hour hed of been dead I took him under my wing and brought him out of it except for the drinking he has his rental house rent 3 months late a nice truck 3 payments late staying with me (long story ) i seem to not be able to stop but truth is I love the man I first meet although he broke my heart to pieces I love him now but just not the same , I am afraid to tell him to go home although the hints are there be it my friends family or my daughter I think what if he does commit suicide - by the way did i mentoin he brought guns to our home - Am I afraid ? HELL YES !!!!! But part of my heart loves him so much !!!! i cant sleep and am afraid to leave him with my children especially my daughter (remember shes says he is weird and strange )even though i feel and trust in my heart and soul hed never harm my beautiful baby — WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?! did i mentoin he eats like a bird , sometimes does not shower for 3 days and to brush his teeth maybe 4 days w/o ,he use to smell so good now its hard to sit near him . I go in for lung testing soon he knows and still smokes in our home Remember I LOVE HIM —-Please help me lofe is short i know and i am doing this fast as i can type he just sent me a txt he is on his way to try to see about his income tax - and the money and the beer are all gone

Hi CC,
I have no doubt you love this man. The problem is that loving someone does not mean you can live with him. He is an alcoholic on a self-destructive path and there is nothing YOU can do about it. Your choice is between going down that path with him or leaving him and deciding for yourself and your kids that you want to live. I know this is harsh, but reality is sometimes harsh.

Whatever you decide, you have my best wishes.
Neill

Hi. I was wondering if you could advise me. I live with my long term partner of 15 years. I am concerned about his drinking habits. He has drunk steadily all the time I have known him, mainly lager maybe two - four cans daily. Usually when he has done a 12 hour shift at work. Is this quite normal ? He sometimes works nights and does not drink at all when he does nights so I do know he does not need to drink but I worry he drinks too much. He is normally fit and well in himself and is never violent or aggresive in drink. He is a loving father and a kind and generous man. Is this about a normal intake of alcohol?

Hi Jo,
 Your partner sounds like a really good man. The drinking pattern you describe is on the high side of healthy but may be OK for him. The problem is that it is a habit, and habits can become obsessive and can turn into an addiction with all the related health and social consequences. It’s often a long slow process.

The only real way he can know for sure that he isn’t headed that way is to quit drinking completely for a few months, say five months, and see how he is with it. He will learn a lot about himself in the process. He may or may not resume drinking his beer after the five months, but I’ll bet it will be at a reduced level if he does.

My best wishes to you both.

My husband has admitted that he may have a problem. It’s not as bad as it was years ago- but he a completely different person when he drinks. The beer cans he actually tossed out (I’m imagining there are more because he hides the cans throughout the house)totalled the equivalant of more than 3 cases in the span of 3-4 weeks. This is just from home- no social drinking. He hides his drinking and when I call him on it, he says he hides it because he doesn’t want to hear about it from me. He’s never physically abused me, he holds down a job- never calling in sick (though some days he smells so bad theat he probably should) he doesn’t drive drunk. So is this a functional alcoholic? I don’t want to believe it because I would like us to be a normal couple that can go out and have a couple of drinks at dinner or socially- he handles that great, but the home drinking is a different story. We have an 18 month-old daughter and I’m afraid that she will learn that Daddy acts different when he smells funny. I’ve put numbers for help right in front of him and yet he refuses to call.

I have been married to my husband for 19yrs. We have 3 teenaged sons. My husband DOES NOT admit that he has a drinking problem. However, I have a problem with his drinking and so do our sons, his parents, his siblins, my family, some friends, etc. He has had one DUI two years ago. He was supposed to refrain from alcohol for 1yr but hasn’t. Can you tell me if you think he has a problem?

I am pretty sure my husband is a "functioning alcoholic". He drinks at least a six pack a night and spends most of his time alone in the garage. We have two children together a 5 month girl and a 9 yr old boy. He spends very little time with them and even less time with me. I guess I make excuses for him to other people who do not know him, but I am very blunt with him. I have had to resort to telling him that he either quits the drinking or he loses his family. I am not sure what else to do….He is now very defensive and pouts the whole time he is home, he has been "sober" for three days now. I am so scared of what else to do, I cannot leave our children with him becuase he drinks so heavily he forgets about them. I had to beg him to not drink so I could attend my orientation for college. Am I doing the right thing??? Or should I just leave him???

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married almost 10. We lost a daugther due to prematurity 9 years ago. We have another daughter that was also premature and she will be 9 this summer. She has cerebral palsy and is totally dependent on us. She is a very happy little girl.

My husband has drank ever since he was 13 years old. He is definitely an alcoholic. He doesn’t miss work for it, but he drinks beer every single day after work. He tends to drink more on weekends. He usually drinks at home, but he never wants to go with me and my daughter when I take her swimming or do anything with us like that. He would rather go to a bar for a drink until we come back home. My daughter requires us to feed her via g-tube. I usually do all of her feeding and when I ask him to do it he says "Why can’t you?" He is pretty much lazy when he is at home. I also work full-time and do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. at home.

I am getting pretty tired of it. I am getting ready to tell him "it’s either his daughter and me or his booze." I really feel alone. My family is starting to hate him. He makes people feel uncomfortable when they come over. He is very demeaning and can be very rude when he has been drinking. His body odor is not that pleasant either. We don’t sleep in the same bedroom anymore. He has his own room and my daughter and I have our own as well. I am really needing some help here. What would be the best way to approach this situation. My daughter requires a lot of attention and it seems like I am her sole caregiver. She definitely favors me versus her father. HELP, DESPERATE IN GREELEY!

I am in a similar situation where my husband is a good, kind and generous person, but had behaviors that made me nervous and seem unhealthy. It used to be that he had a drink every night, sometimes fell asleep with the drink in his hand. At some point I let him know that it was bothering me, then one day I found dozens of empty bottles hidden in his clothes closet. He has sought counseling but still I continue to find hidden bottles or carefully emptied beer cans placed among the full ones in a case after a house party. He seems normal most of the time, takes care of our kids and is a great dad, but I am tired of being lied to. He doesn’t seem to have the sloppy drunk behaviors, but I can’t live with the hiding. I feel angry about this, and scared b/c I don’t want our family to go through pain or break up.

I think my husband is an alcoholic. Over the last 5 months he has gone from one beer to several beers. He drinks during the daytime and even forgets to pick up the children from school because he’s drunk. Lately he’s become violent. He’s hit me on several occasions and the last time I had to go to the hospital due to bruising and a bite mark that is now a scar on my face. He says he’s sorry and he’s stressed out. He ignores our children and he seems very possesive lately. He’s a wonderful man when he isn’t drinking but now he’s always drinking. I dont feel safe anymore when hes drinking and no matter what i say to him while hes drunk he turns it negative and becomes confrontational. I dont want to end my marriage but I’m afraid he will only get more violent. Can I fix this and save our marriage?

I am very disappointed by your questionnaire, especially with regards to questions 1, 2, 5 & 7 — I have answered yes to all the other questions, but not to those. If most alcoholics admitted that they have a drinking problem and sought help for it, that would be half the problem solved. My husband has never admitted he has a problem. And as far as questions 5 & 7: if the quotes he "often has a drink in the morning" and "lost days at work or school because of drinking" were true, he would not (in my opinion) be a true functioning alcoholic. The point is, and why no one else really knows the truth, is because he functions normally during the day and never misses work (or is even late for work) because of his drinking, nor does he drink and drive (thank God) — these are the things that make him a functioning alcoholic. I was really hopeful that this would be a good questionnaire, leading to some true answers and help, but it’s not. I will try to seek help elsewhere.

Sylvia –

My heart goes out to you. It’s bad enough to deal with an alcoholic husband, but you have so much to deal with with respect to your daughter. I am not a professional and I don’t know your whole situation, but if your husband doesn’t get help AND if he’s at all abuse towards you or your daughter, you would be better off without him. I know how hard leaving is. Because of my circumstances, I cannot leave my husband, but if I could, I would. You are not alone. You and your daughter deserve to have a life, a good life. I wish you and your daughter all the best.

Take care

Hi Sylvia,
I can’t say it better than Samantha says it. You don’t deserve this. You deserve a better life than you describe.You took the first action of writing your comment/ question. what will be your next step?
Neill

Hi Samantha,
Thank you for your comments. The questions about whether or not your husband is a functioning alcoholic are merely areas to look at to see if any of them apply to your situation. They don’t all have to.

The fact is that all of the items relate in one way or another to alcoholism. Notice I said "alcoholism," not "functioning alcoholism." I’m not sure there is any such animal as a "true functioning alcoholic," but there certainly are alcoholics and your husband may be one.

Your husband may function at work and not drink and drive,(that’s the way I was) but your words suggest he is not functioning as a marriage partner. You might read my article about whether there Is there any such thing as a "functioning alcoholic" Does anyone else want to weigh in on this discussion?

Neill

My husband is a "functioning alcoholic" he and I both know it. I am a hugh co-dependent. He goes to work everyday- drinks everyday after work…beers at home…"watching the game." On weekends he super iduldges- drunk Friday - Sunday night!! We have 4 children in the home- and I react negatively to his drinking- and I feel guilty because the kids always see me yelling and saying mean things to him. The kids don’t realize that mama is the one providing all care for them because daddy is too drunk and in-attentive to his children, so therefore I look like a big meany. On weeknights he is mostly in the garage- the "devils dungeon" as I call it, doing his drinking. ocassionally we have hugh blow out fights, and it is usually when I can’t take enough. Like when I find him sleeping on the toilet, or he has drunk himself to such a stuper at a gathering he sleeps in the car because I can’t carry him in the house as well as the 4 children. Financially we can’t afford for him to drink. He will overdraw the bank account for a 12 pack. He knows he is a alcoholic, he laughs it off and says well my daddy is too. He thinks that divorce is out of the question, because his mother is still married to her alcoholic. I need a way out. i want my family and marriage to work. But my husband doesn’t want help= he says he was like that when i met him 13 years ago and he is who he is and he doesn’t need to change.

I just stumbled upon this website today - my first hit after entering ‘marriage alcoholic’ on google.

I came home last night to yet another evening of my husband consuming wine on the couch. At 11:30 at night I heard him open up another bottle. At 1:30 I was awakened by some noise he made. When I went to see him (I don’t always, but did this time) I found him in a very drunken state. I know it is severe with anyone when they seemed to be completely off in another world, their eyes don’t focus and they have a particular look on their face. It’s difficult to describe, but I am sure many would know what I meant when they saw it - not in reality, dazed, almost another individual.

To me, a person reaching this state is extreme and serious. My husband has drank since before we got married 21 years ago. He has gone through various periods where it hasn’t seemed to be an issue at all to almost splitting our marriage last year. I am very interested in pursuing the approach indicated on this website where I focus on the relationship and being healthy myself. Everything that happens in our lifes offers us opportunity to learn about ourselves. I find this situation brings up a lot of fear in me and I worry a lot.

I worry about my safety, whether the house will burn down because he lit a candle and left it, whether he will hurt himself while intoxicated, whether he will have a short life due to illness because of this, my children and what they see (which at this point luckily hasn’t been anything to the extreme I mentioned earlier). I find the approach I want to take is to just leave…run and leave. I have a thought that it will be easier on my own and not living in such a stressful environment will be easier. Yet, on the other hand, it’s not what I really want which is a healthy environment, happiness and more health! How do I manage these struggling thoughts? Of course with them, the relationship suffers because I have a lack of trust and also distract myself by keeping busy and doing other things - however, that doesn’t get rid of the problem and it’s always still on my mind. Any advise on first steps you have would be appreciated. Oh, we have been in counselling a few times in our years together, however we have never focused specifically on the alcohol problem - which really is the underlying biggest issue.

Dear Dr. Neill,

I have taken the alcoholism test and my answers are as follows.

1. The word functional comes up by wife on a regular basis and this is supposed to be o.k.
2. She has never sought help and is in total denial.
3. I go to Al-Anon and a psychologist that helps people living with alcoholism.
4. My wifes father was a heavy drinker but her brother is an alcoholic.
5. My wife gets drunk without knowing it and denies she is drunk and tells me she is really tired.
6. I have discovered 2 stashes in the house and since going to Al-Anon I don’t even look anymore.
7. We have marital problems with my wifes drinking being the contributing factor.
8. My wife does not say she needs a drink when under stress but always reaches for a drink when stress is there.
9. Always drinks after a quarell and blames me.
10. I have threatened to move out, divorce, …….
11. I feel very alone and anxious and don’t see a lot of hope.

I am doing the best I can and have learned very good coping skills however it is not easy. This is the biggest challenge of my life and I am trying to concentrate on myself but it is difficult as I live with my wifes alcoholism every day. My wife drinks 1-1.5 or more litres of wine viturally every day with some days being 500-ml. to 600-ml. on the good days.
I am a male and have 2 children aged 11 and 14 and my wife is a stay at home mother. I am 50 years old and the laws in the Province of Ontario make it very difficult for me to get custody of my children and my wife plays a very good game with people as far as hiding her alcoholism.
I live one day at a time and pray that things get better.

Glen

It kinda sounds like my husband. We have 1 son that is 3 and a baby girl on the way. He doesnt go out a lot but he drinks by himself or has an excuse if he didnt come home from work that the guys from work pressured him. Its a sad thing because i feel like what am i doing wrong and im his wife not them and they know hes had a few drinks what kind of friends are these to let him get behind the wheel. When we use to go out together he would actually try and start fights. I look at him as a binge drinker which sometimes can be really bad you never know what to expect when you know there going to drink. They say things they would never say if they were sober and make so many excuses for why they drink. Keep your head up if you love him sometimes its better to show tough love its hard but im sure your a bright person and if you delt with this you can get through anything.

My husband is 40 years old and been drinking heavily for most of his life(since about 15), He doesn’t always drink everday, but usually 24-35 beers at a time, atleast 3-4 times a week. I am in the nursing profession and I know how hard this kind of drinking is on a person.
I know my husband is an alcoholic, and I think he knows it too, but he has made several comments in the past about having no intention on quitting.
I have a 10yr old and we have 5 yr/o twins together and they are already showing signs of co-dependancy and feeling they need to take care of Daddy.(wake him up, if he passes out, help him to bed, etc)
His attitude towards me is tolerant at best, when he’s sober, it’s almost worse, he is anxious and can be very innapropriate, and degrading.
I am financially, unable to leave,(he drinks all the money) The dredded payday.
I need some help learning how to cope, and not enable while I live here, he wears me out…….
This deeply saddens me.

Dear Samantha,

I had not forgotten you. With my son dying this spring from heart failure as a result of drug and alcohol abuse, I have neglected a lot of things. Sorry.

I have frequently seen adults in my practice that tell me that they remember when they were 10 praying every night that mom would leave dad because of his drinking. They come to see me to deal with their anger about why their parents stayed together until the kids were grown up.

Be careful what you model for your children. You both made a commitment when you married. He no longer honors his. Would you want your daughter or son to stay in a marriage no matter how bad, or would you want them after serious attempts to make it work, to seek a happier, more meaningful life apart?

You have some tough choices to make.

I understand your sadness.

Neill

PS: If you haven’t already done so, read my book. It could help you gain some clarity.

Dear Glen,

In the turmoil and heartache of losing a son to drug and alcohol abuse this spring, I missed your letter (and a lot of other things.) I’m sorry.

You have children, so please read my response to Samantha above.

I know male custody is difficult in Ontario, but not impossible. My two divorces were in Ontario. Then I met Eileen and we have been together for 30 years and going strong.

It’s not easy to figure out what’s right, so just hold a strong intention to do what is right and take action. The future is never knowable in the midst of change.

I hope to be posting an article on personal change on my other website, http://www.neillneill.com in the next couple of days. You might find it interesting.

you have my very best wishes through this difficult time.

Neill

Hi!

I believe my husband is an alcoholic. He says he is not, but he gets drunk almost every night. He doesn’t just have a few drinks, he gets drunk.

Right now it is 11:00p.m and he is on his way to work, and he is very drunk. The problem is he is a truck driver, so he is putting his life and others at risk. I will not sleep for fear of getting a call from the police saying he is arrested or dead.

When he gets this way his personality changes. He acts crazy. It is only getting worse, and he has put me through so much this year. Alot of verbal abuse and on some cases physical abuse. I can live with it, and be ok but the problem is my kids. I have two children, and I have to keep there best interest at heart. I am not sure to wether the best thing for them is to stay in this situation, or to remove them from it.

How do you know when to leave for your childrens benefit?

Dear Scantey, The violence has already escalated from verbal to physical. His personality changes. You are in danger. Get out. Your children need (a) a mother who is alive and (b) a mother who models self care. When your kids are grown up and your daughter gets into a relationship where her life in real danger from her partner, would you want her to stay with him no matter what, "until death do us part?" If not, then don’t model it. Get some professional help. Chapter 24 in my book is "When to Pull the Plug on an Alcoholic Marriage."

Dear Doctor Neill, My husband is 41 and drinks everyday. He drinks 2 cases (24 ct) of beer a week….one case during the work week and one case over the weekend. We have been married 17 years and he has always drank, but the quantity has only been like this over the last ten years. The previous ten years the routine was the same, but it was 12 pack not a 24 case. He visits up to four different liquor stores when purchasing his beer. He thinks he doesn’t have a problem because he doesn’t try to hide it from me and he drinks at home for the most part, while he is doing stuff around the house. (an alcoholic would hide drinking from a spouse and an alcoholic goes to bars). He is very successful at work (an alcoholic doesn’t keep a good job), we have a beautiful home (an alcoholic drinks his money away) and we drive nice vehicles (an alcoholic drives beaters) and he only drinks beer for the most part (an alcoholic drinks hard liquor, not beer on a regular basis). So my husband doesn’t think he has a problem with his drinking, he thinks he has a stress problem at work and a “bitch” for a wife problem at home that make him drink.

He has a DWI from his college years, and his father had issues with drinking. My husband’s siblings feel they were impacted by their father’s drinking, and my husband’s comment was that he had a good time with his dad growing up fishing and hunting and thinks the others should quit being pusses. He quit drinking for about a month about 5 years ago. He was on a low carb diet and lost a lot of weight, but then someone explained to him that beer was low carb, so he began drinking again.

He has said that he knows he needs to cut down his drinking (he says he will never completely stop) but he cannot right now because of his stress level ‘10’ at work. He has a good job and does have a stressful job. He starts work really early and has always been able to get up out of bed after drinking and get to work on time. The few times he missed getting up were because the alarm didn’t go off. A couple of years ago he was almost fired for saying something negative about his direct supervisor who is part of upper management. He had some time to “think” about what he said and was told to not do it again…he didn’t offer up the exact details of this incident, but I can’t help but thinking that someone at work must notice the smell of booze on his breath and he becomes very cranky as the day goes on and if he has a late afternoon meeting he tries to get home before the boys school bus since I’m not home from work yet. He cracks a beer the second he gets home (usually in the garage even before he comes in) and continues all evening until he goes to bed. He doesn’t like it when the kids have evening activities and “doesn’t like his time to be wasted” when he goes to their athletic games….he expects them to win, and doesn’t have patients for when their team loose. If he gets the impression that our child is not performing up to his expectations and/or if the team isn’t performing up to his high standards, he refuses to go and stays home to drink. Then I take them. He does try to go as long as he can stand the coach, the ref or the team. Sometimes he gets upset about how the other parents act or just plain old driving to the games….the traffic bothers him (but it isn’t his problem, the other drivers are idiots) and for the most part I drive when we are going places together.

As you can see he doesn’t think he has a problem, it is everyone else that causes the problem. I cannot say that he has lost any friends over drinking…because he seeks out friends with habits/hobbies similar to him. He often tells me that my problem with his drinking is just that, my problem. Since I don’t drink he tells me I should drink and relax more instead of worrying about him. His mother feels that all I need to do is tell him to stop and give him an “ultimatum.” She told me that he will stop when I decide I am no longer going to put up with it. Basically they see me as the problem too, that I have enabled him. When I have had that conversation with him, he has told me not to tell him what to do, and that if things are that that bad, why then I should leave, because he doesn’t have a problem, but I’m a bitch and that is the problem. He tells me he doesn’t know how we have managed to stay married as long as we have because I am such a bitch and I have it so good. (nice house, nice vehicle, etc.) He says other women would be lining up to take my place, so I had better knock it off. He also says if I leave him I will be living in a trailer court with nothing.

Then there is our love life. I love him, but I am no longer turned on by him. I am repulsed by his smell of alcohol that seems to excrete from his body at all times and I have hardened my heart for him. Basically I just can’t stand to be intimate with him. Sometimes he gets up to pee at night and he pees in the tub sink in the mud room, or the closet thinking he is in the bathroom. He has fallen down a flight of stairs when drinking, but blamed the kids for leaving something on the stairs. He has passed out in the bathtub and in his chair downstairs. He snores and he makes choking/gasping sounds when he is passed out, it totally freaks me out. He tells me that he has really bad nightmares at night. I have not got a good night sleep for quite some time now. He has gotten into arguments with family members when he is drunk.

I am very tired all of the time. I work outside of the home and we have three children. My husband is great for a couple of hours a day, but then he gets mean and I know I cannot leave the kids alone with him after he starts drinking. He has never hit me or the kids, but he is verbally abusive when he has been drinking. Because I do such a good job with sheltering the kids they actually are resentful towards me for not letting them do more activities with their father. I fear they will get hurt. Yes, we do have a nice home and nice vehicles, but there isn’t any money left after his drinking & hobby expenses. My family’s philosophy is “you made your bed you lie in it” and they also feel the boys need a father…even if he is an alcoholic. They would not be in a position to offer me support if I chose divorce. My life pretty much consists of working full time (thank god I love my job) and being a parent to my kids. Our third child is “developmentally delayed” so this is putting even more stress on me, my husband says it is my fault because I was too old when I conceived him (I was 36). When I ask my husband to do things (like pick up our son at daycare after work) he forgets or doesn’t remember the discussion…so he thinks I’m making stuff up or “being a bitch” as he puts it or I should just do it because I’m the one that wanted kids. He also gets all bent out of shape over the littlest of things. “Where are my tan sox? “How hard is it to keep my tan sox in one place” “You really have a problem keeping the house clean” or “Can’t you control the kids, their stuff is everywhere” Sometimes he appears severely intoxicated after just a few drinks which is really scary. I never know what will happen anymore. Pretty much everything gets blamed on me. The weekends are really bad. He drinks until he passes out, then he gets up and eats breakfast and starts drinking again. Sometimes he goes on ebay when he has been drinking and purchases a lot of things on the credit card. He is really into guns lately and is planning to take our oldest son on his pheasant hunting trip this year. I came across an email he sent to his hunting budding on our joint email account describing that he has to convince me that our oldest son could go….and that he probably couldn’t be a total boose hound if he came along. So I know that he knows that he is out of control.

I get really sad when I think of everything all together. I’m a smart person, I’m educated and have a great job, I don’t discuss this problem with others and I’m sure people who know my husband think he is a great guy, and he is when he is somewhat sober at home which is about 2 hours a day when he first gets home from work. Things need to improve, but I’m not sure how to make it happen, short of just leaving him and right now that whole process seems like it would be a nightmare. Even if I divorce him, I think I still would need to deal with him about custody of the kids. He tells me I’m not ever taking his kids from him…that isn’t going to happen. He will make sure I don’t get full custody if we divorce. However, he is very indifferent to them the majority of the time or else very angry with them. I get the feeling he would fight for joint custody just to make things difficult for me…not because he wants them, just to hurt me. His brother is divorced and doesn’t pay child support or has a relationship with his kids, he just remarried and started a new family. I don’t want my kids to loose their father, they will blame me.

Would you agree that my husband is an alcoholic? I took your test for spouses and most of it was a yes. Much of my self esteem is tied up in my relationship with this man because I come from a dysfunctional family, I take responsibility personally for the family I chose and made….and I apparently made a bad decision in who I married. What specific things can I do to improve my quality of life and my children’s lives? Will there be any hope for my husband to reduce his drinking or just stop? A couple of weeks ago my husband admitted himself to the ER because he thought he was having a heart attach. Now over the next month he is seeing a Neurologist for testing because he keeps getting this feeling he is having a heart attach and experiencing numbness and weakness. He won’t allow me to come to appointments, so I’m not sure if he is admitting to his drinking levels accurately. His mother told him it was lymes disease, funny how she thinks I’m the enabler! He thinks it is just stress from work. I think he is having physical anxiety symptoms on days that are stressful at work because his body needs a drink due to alcohol withdrawal syndrome he is experiencing on a daily basis. I also think the numbness is caused by alcoholic neuropathy. Obviously I’m not a doctor but, will they be able to figure out his drinking level with their tests…..even if he doesn’t admit to drinking? What do you think?

Hello Wendy,

Yes he’s an alcoholic and his alcoholism sounds advanced (memory loss, not much alcohol to show the effects, health problems).

One of the characteristics of alcohol brain damage is delusional thinking, and the biggest delusion is usually that he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol. Personal insight is gone, if it ever was there (everyone else is the problem. He’s unhappy with life and he’s on a self destructive path. He blames you.

Wendy, I wrote my book for you. Read it. It will help you understand how you have become part of the problem. No matter how much he abuses you and gets others to abuse you, you stay and cover for him. Furthermore, his abusiveness has reached outrageous proportions.

You admitted your self esteem is tied up with the relationship. Healthy people don’t do that, although they care deeply for their partners and the relationship.

Make self care your number one priority and refuse to buy into the family secrets. Does your doctor know he’s a drunk? Does your minister? do your friends? They all should know. Do you talk openly with your children about their father’s alcoholism? You should, lest they also become part of what keeps him drinking. Do they understand that his moods are not about the day’s stress, but come from his being a very unhappy drunk?

Yes, he may try to cheat you out of assets and child support. He may try to get joint custody just for spite. But so what! You are dying where you are. If one of your children grows up to marry an alcoholic and the marriage dies, would you want your child to stay no matter what? Then don’t set that example. Overcome your addiction to his care and act.

For things to change, first you must change. Talk to a lawyer and make a plan. Read the book so you are better equipped to deal with lawyers, doctors, psychologists, rehab centers, etc. Do it now. It will be a lot harder if he has a heart attack or becomes disabled in some other way.

Wendy, I’m saddened by what you are going through. You have my very best wishes in your recovery from your addiction and your regaining a life. You are not a bitch; you are a responsible, caring woman who is fighting for her life.

Neill

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND FOR 19 YEARS. I HAVE BEEN BLINDED BY THE FACT THAT MY HUSBAND MAY HAVE ALCOHOL DEPENDENCY. THE LAST 5 YEARS HAS BEEN THE WORST. HE HAS TO HAVE AT LEAST 5 OR 6 BEERS A NIGHT SO HE CAN SLEEP SO HE SAYS BECAUSE HE HAS INSOMNIA. SO INSTEAD OF TAKING MEDICINE THAT COULD HELP HIM SLEEP HE HAS TURNED TO ALCOHOL. HE HAS CHANGED IN THE LAST YEAR THOUGH. WE STARTED A BUSINESS THAT I HOPED WOULD CHANGE OUR LIVES. UNFORTUNATELY, IT REQUIRES MY HUSBAND TO GOTO THE BARS 7 DAYS A WEEK. I DON’T LIKE MY HUSBAND ANYMORE, HE IS NOT THE MAN I MARRIED. MY CHILDREN CAN SEE A CHANGE IN HIM ALSO. THEY HAVE EVEN MADE THE COMMENT THAT HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. OF COURSE HE DENIES THAT. BUT AS I HAVE READ SOME OF THESE ARTICLES, I AM CONVINCED THAT HE MAYBE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Hi Penny,

Please read the first three paragraphs of what I wrote to Wendy just above. They apply to you.

It sounds like you are preparing emotionally for you and the children to separate from him.

I’m sure that reading Living with a Functioning Alcoholic, A Woman’s Survival Guide would help you reduce your confusion and find some clarity.

Best wishes on some tough choices you may be facing,

Neill

I have been married for 5 years & am now separated, having had to gain the courage to leave even though I didn’t really want to & would have rather made the marriage work but couldn’t due to his non comittal.

I believe my husband is a functioning alcoholic. I have spoken to him on many occasions about this & pleaded with him to get help or come with me to Relate, but he denies he has a problem & just laughs at me, calling me a drama queen, amongst other things.

He drinks every day, feels uncomfortable with people unless he has had a drink, drinks very quickly & admits he has drunk alcohol since he ws 12. He is now 42. He was also on drugs for 15 years & quite freely tells people. He says I make him drink, verbally abuses me & has been violent, controlling & a bully. This led to me having a breakdown which he didn’t support me through, but just went out drinking.

At weekends he will generally go out at around 1pm & return home anytime between 12am & 3am, having been drinking the whole time both Saturday & Sunday. As a result he invariably misses Monday at work. He drink drives, demands sex when drunk & blames me for not wanting to. He falls asleep on the sofa with cigarettes, spends his money then goes to his mother for more & she gives it to him, which he then spends in the pub. He had an ulcer in his early 20s ,where the doctor told him to stop drinking. He did for 3 months until he got the all clear but then went straight back to drinking & drug taking.

I would like to know how this comes across to you & whether in fact he is right, he doesn’t have a problem & I am a drama queen!

I’ve been married to my husband for 24 years. In my teens and early adulthood, I developed chronic depression and severe self-esteem issues, probably caused by a very strict and isolated family life with a verbally abusive father and a depressed (but loving) mother. I was attracted to this man in college because he loved me, and I thought it was amazing that any man would love me. He drank in college. He still drinks.

His drinking and inactivity has made him obese (340 lbs. at 5′8") and way out of shape. He is currently unemployed. But just this last weekend, while I went to church, he had his first drink of the day to kill the pain of a bad back. He continued drinking. At around 6:00 p.m. he got into a very foul mood when I had chores to do that were keeping me from relaxing and hanging out with him. He tried to help me get a plexiglass storm screen in a back window, and was flying into a rage. I told him I could not stand his yelling; it was as though he was totally out of his mind. I told him I was leaving the apartment to get some peace, and he called me a bitch. I stayed outside in the yard, while I heard him yell and bang things around inside our apartment.

I could hardly wait to get back to work on Monday. This is ironic, because I am working only to make money and other than that, I feel I’ve wasted my potential and my life. Anyhow, my husband’s fits of rage happen at least once a year, whether or not he’s had a drink. I cannot drive, and depend on him to get me to work. But I won’t let that make me feel inferior to him. Since I rediscovered my spirituality (I’m a former Catholic who’s now a member of an Episcopal parish), started getting chiropractic work to straighten my hunched back and have been working out at the gym to lose weight, I’ve found it easier to be happy and to live in my own skin.

The problem is - though I still love him in one way and do not want to hurt him, I find myself less and less attracted to him. We haven’t had sex in years, simply because I have no sexual desire at all. It’s no problem for me, but I feel this is very unfair for him! So I find myself imagining a life without him. These thoughts scare me because they seem selfish, and if he dies, in my grief, I will be sorry I had these half-wishes that he’d be out of my life. After all, he loves animals, and is very tender and caring of our budgie and our parrot. I also love it when he hugs me.

My husband has always been a very forceful, sarcastic, intelligent man. And he is stubborn. I gave up talking to him till I’m blue in the mouth about his drinking, not taking showers, (He takes a shower only once a week, and usually after I tell him to.) and leaving the apartment a mess.

He tells me to stop nagging him, so I give up - I cannot help him. Am I copping out here? Short of kicking him out of our rent-subsidized apartment, what else can I do for myself and him?

Nora

Dr. Neill,

I am married to a man that was sober for 9 years and started drinking again 7 months ago. Even when he was sober, he was not really working a program. We had intimacy issues in our relationship. Over the course of our marriage I had two children now ages (3 and 6) and suffered from what I thought was post partum depression. Approximately 2 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I guess what I am saying is that our family life has been filled with stress due to pregancy, births, and disease. After my diagnosis I have worked very hard to get healthy, seeing a therapist and consistantly taking my medication. I began to get more confidence in myself and my husband and I began having more problems due to me wanting to fix our intimacy issues. It was around that time that I found out that my husband had been secretly drinking for a few months.

I must say that my husband is never mean and never misses work. But he does not connect with me or my daughters for more than a few minutes at a time. He is much more interested in removing himself from us and working or drinking. I have set boundaries by saying that he can’t drink in our house or in front of our daughters, but then he just leaves and goes out drinking. Last night I couldn’t take our distance anymore and while we were out on a date I said I didn’t care if he drank, we had fun for the first time in a long time. He opened up and we were talking and it didn’t feel forced. Neither of us got drunk, only had a few drinks. It was a perfect evening. Unfortunately, on our way home he asked if I would mind if he “went out” when we got home. I was devistated. I guess I thought if we were able to relax together and drink that would be enough. I felt abandonded when he left. I know I shouldn’t have enabled him and I wrote him a note telling him such. I would love advice as to my best course of action because I can’t take the lack of interaction/intimacy at the same time I really love this guy and don’t want him to continue down a road of alcoholism that is getting worse.

Dear Angela,

The man you describe is an alcoholic and a bully. He appears to have zero insight into his condition and he is in the process of self-destruction. If living with a death wish is a problem, he has a huge problem. The fact that he doesn’t have any insight into his problem is irrelevant. And you cannot and should not do anything about that.

He is following the usual pattern for alcoholics with no insight: he blames you and he blames everyone else for his life. He may even belief his own hype. That’s what alcoholics do. It has absolutely nothing to do with you beyond the fact that you were there.

You did the smart thing in leaving him. Congratulations! You are not a drama queen; a drama queen would be still there fighting it out.

Have you considered moving as far away as possible?

Dear Nora,

I am glad you are going to church again and looking after your body. What that tells me is that you are taking steps towards getting a life again. For you to gain or regain a sense of yourself, independent of your husband, is the single biggest thing you can do for yourself…and for him. So take a course, learn to drive, take up a sport, see a therapist, get a more fulfilling job, in short, do whatever you can to build a life for yourself.

Self care is not selfishness. We don’t think of Mother Theresa as selfish, but she is reported to have said,”I always fill my own bowl first.”

Of course you love him. But what I just said about taking care of yourself is important to your self worth if you are with him or if you are apart, whether through choice or his death. (You did indicate he is on a self-destructive path.)

When he sees you as capable of taking care of yourself with or without him, he may take notice and do something about his own self care. Many men have, some after years of self abuse. Talking to him about his drinking is useless, as you have found out. The single biggest help you can be to him is to look after you.

I go into a lot more detail about this in my book.

Blessings,
Neill

Dear Dee,

You can’t do anything directly about his drinking, except to tell him how you feel when he goes out. Everything I said to Nora (above) applies to you. Maybe he will change. Maybe he won’t. What you have to decide is whether or not you can accept the present low level of connection and intimacy, or whether you will have to leave and create a new life for yourself. It’s probably one of the toughest decisions you’ll face in life, but you do deserve a chance at fulfillment.

Best wishes.

My comment is in regard to the denial of a functioning alcoholic. Since they don’t lose their job, pay the bill, keep the roof over the families head, they feel there is no debating the alcoholism. The challenge in my opinion is to show them facts rarding their drinking. I left my spouse, went to counseling with him, and the counselor told him my “big ticket” items were alcohol and anger. The response was always, “yes, but those arent our only problems”. It still amazes me to this day that the only one not being able to see his problem was himself.

I need help so bad, I just want to know how one can stay with someone that drinks and hurt you with words all the time.

I’m a very positive person, and he’ a nagitive person in every way.
I’ve done everything that I can think of to make this marriage work.

We have not had sex for over 2 yrs he’s older than I AM AND HE ALWAS TELL ME THAT I’M THE BLAME…

Please help me because I don’t know what to do.
He gets mad and stays mad for weeks….

Help.

My husband who I have been with for 10 years now is an alcoholic. We have three children but are bothfairly young. I am 27 and he is 29. He comes from an alcoholic family and struggles with alcohol daily. When he is stressed he drinks. He has gotten 3 dui’s and is verbally abusinve and breaks things to keep me from yelling at him when I am upset that he drinks. He has cycles where he only has 1-3 beers a day all the way to a half a case a day. He lies and goes out to the bar for “just a beer and a shot”. I feel this is unfair and we are always fighting about it. He proceeds to drink 4-10 more beers when he gets home. I hate to be around him when hes drunk and makes no sense! I do enjoy his company when he is sober but I just cant keep going on this roller coaster. He did say he was never drinking again after his third DUI (which we had dropped after spending most of our saving on a good lawyer.) and attended 1 AA meeting. Any suggestions???

Do these two go hand in hand? The alcoholism has increased in my husband and now he has switched from the TV Playboy channel to internet porn. I travel once a month for a week at a time. I worry about what he is doing while I am going. I am starting to snoop more since I opened the computer to find a message from a dating web-site. What are your suggestions. Are these two addictions?

Dear Neill
I have been married for 10 yrs and we have two children. A son eight and a daughter 4. I have been living with his drinking problem for a long time. He has been arrested twice since we have been married for DUI and hit and run accidents, Thank God no one was hurt. I used to cover up for him, but in the last couple of years I have had enough and I let everyone know how he is. This past holiday he has missed holiday gatherings , because he is out with friends drinking. He lies to me and trys to cover things up. In the last two years he has gone behind my back and made two huge purchases and tried to hide them from me. My son is a lot like my husband and I am really worried that if I continue to let this happen that he will grow up to be just like his dad. I couldn’t handle that!!! He is ruining our marriage and his own life. He has a strong family history of alcoholism, uncles, father, grandfather, etc. I want to break that chain with my son. How do I go about doing that? I have talked to my husband about this until I cannot any longer. Am I doing my children more harm than good staying together.

Dear Dr. Neill,

I believe my boyfriend is a functioning alcoholic. He told me he drank alot for about 5 years then stopped about 2 years ago. He drinking came to a halt because he passed out and fell on his face and knocked out his front tooth. He realized then he should stop. Our relationship is only a few months old and I see the signs already. He doesn’t drink drink much when we are together; an ocassional drink or 2 never more than 3. I notice after one or 2 drinks he slurs his speech,acts very immature, repeats himself and doesn’t make sense. Ive called him out on this and he denys drinking. Sometimes he is perfectly fine then he leaves the room for like a few mins.. comes back, and is all weird, like he is drunk. Night and day. Where the hell is he getting it from?? His car, his room? He is starting to sneak a drink in when Im not looking. He lies like you wouldn’t believe even when I tell him

I know the truth.He often gets angry, blames me or the ocassion for drinking then apologizes within 5 mins. I am starting not to be so sensitive about it. I just let him cool off and then he comes back all lovey dovey and says he is sorry and doesn’t want to lose me. Of course I take him back but tell him one more time I am out of here. This is now the 3 time and I haven’t talked or seen him. He is contacting me but I haven’t responded. I just don’t know what to say. I want him to realize he is losing a great thing due to his drinking. Otherwise, he will never understand the reprecussions of his actions.

We casually dated 9 years ago but it ended because we moved in different directions. We met up again just recently and realized we are totally in love. I waited 9 years to finally be with what I thought was the one and now all I do is worry. I have found him in the middle of the night relieving himself in his room. He believed he was in the bathroom. How does he not know where he is? Another time I found him passed out outside in a corner on New Years. Had my friend not said "oh look at the drunk guy on the floor" I would have walked right passed my boyfriend. He had no coat and could have froze to death. I couldn’t even help him up because I was crying so hard. I cut back my drinking around him, don’t go to places where he could be tempted and Ive told him he needs to get help.

He knows there is a problem then cries and asks me to be there for him and not to judge. He claims his family labels him as a screw up. His father mind you is a recovering alcoholic-16 years. I don’t know how to help him. I can’t help him if he doesn’t want to help himself. He can’t do this on his own.

I want to help but what about me and my happiness? Do I mention something to his family? Do I have someone from AA come to his house? Intervention? need help desparately thanks

I can relate so much to what you are saying, I have been keeping this dysfunctional family together for 15 yrs. I have a son from a previous marriage, that husband was alcoholic. I have a daughter from this marriage and I have tried everything to fix the problem of alcohol. There is no fixing, you either decide to stay in the dysfunction or you get out. I met a lady whose family said the same thing as yours, you made your bed you lie in it. But if there is shit in the bed you shake it out.

I have become an enabler, I am co-dependent and go to al-anon, my husband sits in the room in the bottom of the house, the one that he has made his and drinks everyday from 4pm till bed, sometimes he eats if I cook for him. He has always drank, and he has embarrassed me at functions, spoiled so many xmas’s, birthdays and weekends, I cannot count anymore. We used to have the best sex and I loved being near him, but he just sits in his chair staring at the austar with a garbage bin (big) next to him for the empties, he is a big man 6′ 8 and can drink a carton with no problem.

He is jealous of my son who is 18, my son thinks he is a dickhead and I should have thrown him out ages ago. I work full-time, 2nd yr teaching degree and my son is doing university study too. I have told him to leave before, but missed him too much and we got back together after many promises and one visit to AA.

He told me that I had ruined his life, that he drinks because of me, I took him to pyschologist who told him there was nothing wrong with him lubricating are marriage he put it. The Dr I found out also had drug and alcohol problems.

I have read everybook, scanned the internet, talked to everyone, been to al-anon for years at a time. I loved my husband more than anything and the thought of him not with me, kills me. I wanted him to be a good father to his daughter, I wanted to go on holidays and camp and have fun and our marriage did have some good moments. Not many. He works at a club as a bar manager and works 6 days a week shift work. He associates with all the other drunks and has started playing the poker machines as well. He borrowed money in January and didnt return it for the first time. I have paid his mobile phone bills and looked after him all our marriage.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no alternative. For my sanity and health which are slowly deteriorating and also for the terrible times my kids have been thru it is time to go. I bought a bigger house six bedrooms so we could have more space, I thought he would help me paint and fix it up, he cant even clean his own room. He tells me to f.. off upstairs when I used to sleep downstairs and one night when he told me that, when I was sick I told him if I went upstairs I wouldnt be back.

There is a housing market slump at the moment, the boxes are piled up in the basement, but I have decided to get rid of all my excess stuff and finish the house myself and leave. I dont have the heart to tell him to go, will just tell him that I am putting the house on the market, if he objects I will legally separate with a solicitor, otherwise I will do it myself. He apologises the next day for his outbreaks, he sits and cries because I think he hates the way he is. But everytime I fall for his con job I get hurt again and again, like a cow going near an electric fence, when it stings enough you dont go back…. anyone can email me auntyshazzen1@bigpond.com

my comments I hope will help everyone, so glad I found this site, you think you are the only one going thru this shit and when you read all these letters you see that there are so many people (families) with this terrible problem. I hope wendy @ 7.00 reads my reply. email me.
shaz

Hi Sue,

Your description of your boyfriend’s drinking says he is alcohol dependent, that is, he is an alcoholic. Furthermore, his addiction sounds quite advanced. It is not your fault. I repeat, it is not your fault. However, by being with him and taking him back, you become part of the problem.

Your happiness is important. You cannot fix him. The best thing you could do for him is to leave him permanently. He might turn it around, or he might not. But if you don’t go, he probably won’t change, and you don’t deserve the life of misery that would be in store for you.

Having to leave someone we love,through separation or death, is one of the toughest parts of the human experience. The grief that will follow is normal. In fact, you were already grieving as you wrote.

You have my very best wishes.

Hi Shaz,

Thank you for your courage in baring your soul. My heart goes out to you as you take these difficult actions.

I see that you bought “living with a Functioning Alcoholic, A Woman’s Survival Guide.” If reading it helps you, I’m sure others who are going through what you have suffered would love to hear your comments.

Neill

Hey Doc,

My husband and I decided that he would only drink 3 nights a week (suppose to be weekends) when we were to become pregnant. Well we found out we were pregnant about 5 weeks ago and he’s been keeping his word for the most part. He’s not an aggressive drunk if anything our relationship is better when he drinks. He’s more layed back and seems happier and well not as annoyed with me.LOL. He’s a great father with our first daughter and so on.

Our problem lately has been in the evenings before bed (when he usually drinks) he’s just sensitive, on edge, impatient, and hot tempered. Its pretty consistent the nights he doesn’t drink we get in some sort of "tift" and occasionally a heated argument. Are these signs of bigger problems to come and should I intervene in a different manner or just ride this out?

THanks.

Hi Britt,

Drinking before bed, and not drinking and provoking a tiff just before bed, are both distancing strategies. He is trying not to get emotionally close. Ask yourself if the quality of your sex life is suffering.

The pattern is a pretty strong indicator of something being wrong. Get professional help, but understand that it is probably not about the alcohol.

Neill

Hello…my girlfriend is a police officer. She often drinks when she gets off work in the morning (a few beers) and drinks most of her nights off (6-12 beers). She says that drinking relieves the stress of the job. She has a family history of alcoholism (although not her parents). I have found evidence that she’s put beer in a cup for her trip from her house to mine. Most of the nights off, she drinks enough to make her speech slurred and when she lays down, she goes right to sleep. We’ve dated a year and I used to indulge with her often, however I’ve stopped now because I’m beginning to see a problem. We’re both in our early 30’s. Is this alcoholism? Thank you.

Hi Jesse,
Her drinking pattern certainly suggests alcoholism. She sounds like she is needing to medicate something painful in her life, but it has got to a dangerous level. 3 drinks a day put a woman’s risk of certain common types of cancer 38% above the baseline. There has been no research that I know of to show what the risk is when the consumption level reaches the excessive level you describe.

Sorry I can’t be more positive.

The latest Australian guidelines are two drinks a day and no “saving up” for a binge.

The new guidelines are sobering: http://www.theage.com.au/national/drinkers-given-equal-notice-20090306-8rhs.html

Dr. Neill,
I’m so glad I found this site. As I have read all of these letters, I have been surprised that so many other women are dealing with the exact same symptoms of their husbands that I have with my husband. My husband has been an alcoholic for at least 20 years. It has gotten progressively worse these last few years. He is never abusive, physically or verbally. He is a functioning alcoholic–he goes to work every day and is a good provider. However, he now admits that he is an alcoholic and is attending AA meetings and has a sponsor and thinks that he is cured. Sometimes, he will admit to drinking (he drinks secretly–even though it is very apparent to our children and to me that he is drunk), but lately he doesn’t seem to remember buying the alcohol or drinking it. If I can find the bottle and prove it to him, he is shocked, but if I can’t find the bottle, he will be adament that he DID NOT DRINK ANYTHING! But will have no explanation as to why he can’t remember what happened during the evening. Is it possible to blackout and truly not remember that you drank so much that you couldn’t even stand up straight or walk straight?

I’m so confused and his reasoning and seeming truthfulness make me doubt myself.

I would so appreciate an answer or some information that would help me clarify this whole situation. Thank you.

Hi Paula,

He seems truthful because he really believes he is telling the truth.

When someone is hit on the head and knocked unconscious, the often have a gap in memory. However, the event is not just for the events following the blow, but often for the events leading up to the blow.

Likewise, when someone’s brain damage is from alcohol intoxication, they often don’t remember events leading up to when they started to drink. They are quite conscious of buying the alcohol, although they can’t remember anything the next morning.

As I explained in the article, “Alcoholic blackouts-the Big Lie” and in subsequent comments, the blackout is about memory, not consciousness. If this is not understood, a blackout is a wonderful excuse that has even been used in court successfully, given the right “expert witnesses.”

To confused in california,

What you said sounds exactly like me and the situation i am in right now. I have been married for three years and everytime my husband and i get into an arguement he just tells me to leave. He has been an alcoholic for 10 years now and doesn’t want help. We have a lot of fun together and whenever we are having good times they are really good but when they are bad, they are really bad. I can’t seem to get enough courage to leave him either and it frustrates me. Everytime i try, i remember the good times and end up staying. Why do we do this to ourselves and our children? I have no clue but i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I’m glad i’m not the only one in this world going through the same thing.

Thanks for your reply. It really helps me to understand a little. What can I do to help??? I’m so afraid that he will hurt someone while driving in his blackout state. He does that! I worry about that alot and don’t know what to do or how to make him believe or understand that he is putting not only himself in danger but other innocent people. I also don’t feel comfortable letting him be alone with the grandkids or driving them anywhere–even in the daytime (he usually only drinks in the late afternoon or evening). Do I just have to wait until something horrible happens? I feel frustrated and totally out of control of the situation.

Dear Paula,
Sometimes it’s necessary to involve the police if you know he’s out in the car and has been drinking. It’s harsh, I know. Perhaps you would have to get a friend to do it if you can’t. Or you could take yourself out of the equation by leaving.

The alternative of waiting can be tragic. Some time after my father had died, a drinking driver killed my mother, leaving four children. I was the oldest, at 16.
Neill

My husband is a self-professed alcoholic and doesn’t want to quit. He had an ovi (2nd one) accident 2 years ago and quit drinking for 6 months. He goes to the bar after work every day and gets drunk. I am afraid he will get another ovi and my son who is 9 and I will have to fend for ourselves since he will likely go to jail. I am waiting for the law that makes those with ovi get the breath system to start your car. I hope he will still qualify. I told him he can drink at home but he says he will drink too much then.

He wants to die and leave us his life insurance. He also has ms but he uses that as an excuse since he has it under control with Tysabri infusions.

Anyway, just waiting for the world to come crashing down.

Hi Martha,

I invite you to not just wait. Victims wait to see what will happen to them. Start now to do for yourself and your son whatever you will have to do anyway if he goes to jail or dies. Self care starts now, and that is the one thing you have control over.

Neill

Would like your two free books. Thank you so much.

The two are downloadable:

Just enter your first name and email address at the top left of this page for the codependency ebook.

Go to http://neillneill.com and do the same for the Change ebook.

I have been looking all over for some help.A close relative of mine,drinks 8 PINTS of beer each night.It doesn’t get him drunk,he doesn’t drink in the day,doesnt miss work because of it.But here are my cheif complaints;

*His health number one.I have tried to find information that is specific to his situation and to prove to him (the man who won’t take asprin coz it might hurt his liver) that what he is doing is SO dangerous.It scares me

*Toward the end of his beers (around the 6th/7th) he starts to become forgetful,repetative and just acts a little stupid,it’s a turn off and he makes himself appear oaffish

* When he drinks liquor or more beers that his ‘usual 8pints’ he becomes nasty and verbally abusive,he has never physcially hurt me and don’t believe he would,but he calls me really nasty names and then blames me for causing it.

*He has tried to stop and cannot sleep when he doesnt drink,his argument,if he cant sleep he cant work and earn the money,so thats that.

*He doesnt see any harm and it’s “my problem”

* He honestly doesnt blieve there is any harm in what he is doing or anything unhealhty,he tells me when I can prove it through a reputable source then he will listen.

* MOST of the time we are fine,but even when we are not haing big blow ups it bothers me for the health reasons.

* When we do have big blow ups its awful and upsetting.

* I cant FIND any solid information/studies that are specific to the amount HE drinks,he wants specifics not just a general ‘more than 4 beersis bad for you’ he needs someone to show him exactly what it’s doing to him and scare him.Right now,he has offered to me,to take a test and check his liver (he did one a few years ago and it came back fine even though he didn’t drink for a week before hand) I am not sure how long it takes for your liver to repair enough for the tets to be ok,but his were fine.(liver specific tests and others)
* whenever he goes out with people to a bar,he drinks liquor and usually can’t remember what happens,he blacks out,does stupid things,pee’s in random places,get;s mean,falls over and generally makes an ass out of himself.He is 38 but acts like he’s 18.

I don’t know what to do,I am at my wits end.As long as I don’t complain,we are fine,but it bothers me and upsets me daily.I wish I could show him something that would jolt him.I tried calling a couple of liver specialists but I culdnt speak to a doctor,they told me I would have to come in,I know he wouldnt do that. Sigh…any suggestions?Thanks

Holly

Oh and by the way,he doesnt ever drink and drive,he hasnt ever cheated on me and when we argue he brings these things up like it makes it all ok

I’ve been married for almost 7 years. When my husband & I were dating we did our share of drinking. After we were married and moved in together I realized just how much he actually drank. I took the test and now believe I am married to a functional alcoholic. He slowed down his drinking about 4 years ago and now I think it’s getting worse by the day. The last year of my life has been hell. It seems he is drinking more and he claims he does not have a problem. He becomes very angry and very abusive. (mainly verbal) Lately he’s been drinking every day. He drinks beer, mixed drinks, whatever has alcohol! He doesn’t always go overboard but honestly I’m scared when he drinks because I know he can become an animal.(which I know is not him unless he’s drinking) He is a 46 year old man that has been drinking probably since he was 15 (thanks to his drunk dad that gave him his 1st taste of alcohol). I guess what I really need is advice. Is there any hope for this man? I love him but I don’t want to be stuck having to pick up the pieces because he doesn’t care enough about himself. I wan’t to help him but I don’t know how when he doesn’t see this as a problem…

Thank you!
Maggie

Like you, I also have a husband that claims to be just “buzzed” but I never put into that context. It makes sense that you can’t have a buzz for hours. I have been battling with my husband over his drinking over the years and it has worn me down. For a while I even began drinking with him, in hopes that this would somehow make me not feel so alone in all of this. Lately, I find bottles hidden and receipts from alcohol. He has taken to refilling his bottle slowly that sits in the cabinet so as not to look as though he is drinking more than he claims. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Kim,

As you read the book, you will get lots of guidance as to what to do. at the core, you have to disentagle yourself emtionally from his problem, to make sure you are not contributing to his continuing to drink.

I just read your alcohol test. I am an RN, my husband is also a medical professional and is a functional alchoholic with what has been referred to as late onset or adult onset alcoholism or about 5years ago alcohol abuse(he’s turning 53 years old in June). He has never missed a day of work but has had several episodes, one a year and a half ago I found him at 5:30am in the spare bathroom blacked out on the floor with our front door open. I put it to him, get help or move out. He has been seeing a therapist regularly since then who has expertise in addictions and she is aware of his problem, simple assessment can verify that. Also, his brother and father are also alcoholics, his Dad presently, not in good shape.

Anyway, he admits he needs to be more "moderate" but I am well aware of his denial and obviously abstaining is the only answer with treatment. He willingly did couples counseling for about 12 visits last year I’m sure with the urgings of his therapists but stopped when our last visit I calmly stated my feelings of neglect and emotional abuse….24 years of marriage, no kids, but we were very very spirtual active and focused through the first l8 to 20 years; a year ago I reconnected with my faith and also speak with a therapist, and recently started to attend alanon in earnest (two years ago I went for alittle over 2 weeks every day) but realized I needed to focus on my connection with my higher power…It has been a major source of comfort, balance and strength for me and, although I am a nurse, understanding alcoholism and using the tools of alanon, detachment, etc has been helpful; also going to open AA meetings to hear the minds of those struggling and recovering from their addiction. I must say though sometimes fear and sadness overwhelm me, grieving about what was and being anxious about what future crisis there may be in view of the fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Any comment or contribution to my words I would consider to be a wonderful help. Thank you.

Hi Patti,

“Alcoholism is a progressive disease” is a popular myth promoted by AA and uncritically accepted. Unfortunately, believing it leaves both your husband and you as victims, basically without hope. Abstaining may be the only way for your husband, but he may fear “being in recovery” for the rest of his life. He doesn’t have to be. With some appropriate work on his life after he quits, he can get past the need for alcohol, if he wants to. I did, and I didn’t go to some rehab resort.

If he takes action and overcomes his alcohol abuse, then neither of you need be a victim. You can just get on with your lives.

Call me if you like.

Tonight I surfed the net to find out how I can leave my Alcoholic husband. I found this test. Almost every comment sounds like my husband. Only he starts drinking after he has had his morning coffee, drinks wine all day (literally I never see him without a drink of wine in his hand) and doesn’t stop until he falls asleep on the sofa after sitting there for all of 2-5 minutes to watch tv after supper (which by the way is his only meal of the day).

He is not abusive to me, but if something doesn’t go right he has a very nasty temper and mouth and yells and curses and throws things till he gets it out of his system. Now that I think about it, I never give him anything to be upset about because I always do whatever he wants to keep the peace, but if I did ever do something to make him angry he may treat me the same way, I think that is why I have stayed in the marriage so long because I am afraid of what he might do if I mention to him I want to leave.

I have wanted to leave him since January of 2008 but haven’t had the guts to do it. So I have been living in misery for a year and a half with this man. I have had my clothes and the few sentimental things I want to take with me packed since Jan 08. You see I live a 2 days drive from my home so I kind of feel trapped here, knowing I have to make that drive by myself. I pray every day that God will deliver me from this drinking life, it is like I am on a roller coaster, never knowing when his temper is going to flare.

I am not happy and that is one reason I went to find an answer on the internet because I don’t have any one to talk to about this. I don’t think I can stay in this life style much longer. My husband says I am the one who has the problem when I bring up his drinking or try to explain why I am so unhappy. Needless to say I do not want to be around him. We have not been intimate for about a year. Before that I only did it to appease him but now I feel sick if I even think about being intimate with him. He tries to tickle me by playing but I can not even stand for him to touch me, I just grin and bear it. I feel bad for him and quilty for staying, because I feel if I left he could find someone else that he could have a life with, someone that would want to be around him.

I talked with him about his drinking and my feelings Jan of 08 and about 3 times since then. He told me if I am that unhappy I need to decide what I want to do. I have told him I can not stand to be around him when he is drinking. Tonight at the dinner table we were talking and I looked at him and got sick and had to stop eating and get up from the table when I saw his eyelids almost closed because I knew he was so out of it. Although he is a functioning alcoholic and he can carry on a conversation even tho he slurs when he has has just one drink too much.

Well I know I am just rambling. I don’t even want to get up in the morning, I wish I could just sleep all day, I have nothing to look forward to for the day. Nothing means anything to me any more, my life is empty. I feel sad. I wish I could tell him tomorrow what I am really feeling and just tell him I just can’t take it anymore and load up and leave. I dream about taking off and never looking in my rear view mirror and just going forward to be able to live my life the way I am accustom to with NO DRINKING!

Thank you for listening.

Dear B,

Your husband’s drinking is a choice he makes daily. After all, he could decide to change, get whatever help he needs and move on with his life. As for you, you have been making the same choice every day since January ‘08, the choice to numb out in your unhappiness and stay put, hoping for the improbable.

There is no good time to leave, but you do deserve a life. You just choose to have a life, privately plan what you would have to do to make a happy life possible, however uncertain it might be, choose to pursue a life, and then just do it. No discussion! Years of discussion haven’t changed anything, so why would you expect discussion to help now?

Reading “Living with a Functioning Alcoholic” would help you understand what’s happened. But if you need to leave him to pursue a life, don’t wait for a book. Just do it, and don’t wait for “a good time to leave,” because there is no good time.

Please add another comment if you want. I hope it’s from your new life.

Hi there,
I am beside myself. My husband is barely a functioning alcoholic at this point. He drinks vodka, a 1/5th at least 5 nights a week. When he drinks he becomes verbally abusive and mean. He constatly wants to start fights. It has overcome our lives (especially mine). I feel like I can’t leave the house, I absolutely can’t leave my two boys with him, we don’t have any intimacy, or really a relationship. I am totally the condependent, I hide his alcohol, make excuses, and lie to family and friends.
At this point he is working but the “sick” days are starting to add up. When he does take a “sick” day he just drinks and passes out, repeat,etc. He hides alcohol in the house and garage.
I feel so overwhelmed and alone. I worry all the time and the fighting is exhausting. He either snaps at the boys or wants to be super dad. I try to seperate myself from him when he drinks but he constantly wants to engage. I feel so alone because I am too ashamed to tell friends. His family knows and so does my mom and step dad. His father is a recovering alcoholic and his paternal grandfather was an alcoholic too.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t continue like this but I don’t want to give up…He won’t get any help. Ofcourse he says he can do it on his own…How do I stick to an ultamatum? I’m mentally exhausted..I feel like I’m going to loose my mind..along with my family

amy

You are doing a number of things that support his alcohol abuse. Read the book and make some small changes that will help both of you.

Like Sharon said in another comment, sometimes you just have to put your heart on the back burner and use your head.

I’m a recovering addict alcoholic,ive lost my twins to to my drug addiction i have a total of 5 children age ranging 7-13, it took me 3 programs and many years being in jails institutions untill i finaly got "the message." i woked my self from the bottom straight to the top, 6 years later i am now married and things were awsome until i found that my partner was not on the same maturaty level as i am. my income allows me to stay home and "make up the lost time with the children, However my time and energy is now consumed with m husdbads behavior problems. I have a part as well, i know better than to engage in nonsense, but i am only human.

I know from my own experiance that i cannot do this for him i am an enabeler and now im in to deep. im drowning within myself, i used my recovery tools and have the girls in counceling, as well as myself, we also attend a session together as a couple. im not looking for anything from any one…..just needed to vent. already working on my back up plan. my heart hurts, my eyes are wet, but i still smile, laugh, and play. to let go is not to enable, but to learn from natural consequinces.

thanks, much better.

I love my husband. I dont love his problem. Well over a year ago I stopped helping him. I have been working on my own co-dependancy, but I still worry about him. I worry about our marriage, but it almost seems to be a total loss now. He doesnt admit he has a problem he “just likes the taste of beer” all 12 of them each night I suppose. Im angry now, Ive been hurt and felt let down, now Im just angry. I dont know if this is good. But last night was my last straw, am I going to leave, I dont know but I know I cant go on like this any longer. Not with a son in tow. He is either going to kill himself slowly or cause an accident. The death of his father was the catalyst, but wasnt the beginning, I think there were underlying problems prior to that, I was just to blind in love. Besides, I would have a drink or two at that time as well, but my priorityies changed with children. He seems to miss the past, blaming me, teling me Ive changed, Im not the same person. When in fact he is right, Im not the same, I havent been for a long time. I dont know where to go, where to begin, but Ill get there…eventually.

My story is very similar to the above messages. My husband is also a functional alcoholic. We have been married for thirty years. In the early years I wasn’t all that aware of his problem with alcohol. He has a very demanding job and always managed to keep on top of things in the work place. He drank but was at work at 7 am performing delicate procedures with amazing accuracy each day. I was telling myself that he couldn’t possibly be an alcoholic if he never had problems at work.

Fast forward some twenty years and we have an adult son who is hopelessly an addict, a daughter who is anorexic, and another daugher who wants to be a male. I am in shock. How did this happen? He has never been violent towards me but he has with our oldest son. My son is now facing charges with a third DUI and is awaiting trial in a sobriety house. I am in shock. My husband still is functioning in his profession and makes a great deal of money. I am waiting for the floor to fall out from under our feet. Everyday the stress is unbelievable. I have learned to cope and I am not in the position to leave.

I have lived a life of solitude and without real love. This is a sad time for me. I have come to realize that I should have made changes in my life that would have opened up opportunities for him to make changes in his. My son has never learn to function with his alcoholism and in some ways I think his recovery may come earlier because of it.

I hope that my story may help a younger women gain the wisdom she needs to read your book and help herself gain her life back before she is faced with a family that has been torn apart because of this horrible disease.

Kay

I have been with the same man for 35 yrs. but married for 30 yrs. Many times I wanted to leave but I’ve stayed because I love him. We are both 51 and in the last 5 years it has gotten worst. He was only drinking beer and now it is hard liquor and smoking cigarettes and marijuana. I didn’t realize how serious it was until I would clean the garage to find hidden liquor bottles behind the refrigerator or in cabinets.

I just don’t understand him at all. Instead of acting like an adult he acts as if he were in his early 30’s. He tells me that I am not cool and that people don’t want to come over to our house because I have too many rules. I have a nice house and we have worked had to get where we are today and I am not about to loose it because of his stupidity. He works for the post office and he does work to pay the bills but the past 2 years he has drank to the point that he will miss a Monday off from work because he has gotten sick. When I ask him if he is fine? He gets angry and tells me not to worry. He is a diabetic, has high blood pressure and cholesterol. But when he sees his doctor she tells me that he is healthy. Is there something wrong with this picture?

He sometime wakes up vomiting several times and that doesn’t seem to faze him either. He has never been physical towards me but he is verbally abusive. To the point that when I know he is about to come home I get nervous because I do not know what will set him off to argue about the stupidest things. I work too and I just recently voiced my pain to a couple of co-workers of mine. They were very surprised because I hold my pain very well. My husband tells me that I am controlling, that I am the problem and that I have a problem. I believe him put if it weren’t for me he would be in jail with a DWI. I am always the designated driver from all gatherings since we were 18. In NYC the legal age for drinking was 18, but that never stopped him I later found out that he and his sisters and friends used to go bar hopping at 15. How sad is that?

He recently saw the book that I had purchased “Living with a Functioning Alcoholic A Woman’s Survival Guide” Do you know what he said? Arlene, why don’t you just drop it already! How insensitive could he be! The man that I love doesn’t see that he is hurting me so much. A lot of people wish for money, but I wish for good health and happiness for all! I can only wish that my husband could some how find it in his heart to know and understand that I love him and to get the help he needs. I really don’t know what else to do.

Dr. Neill,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I wanted to comment to thank you for your website. My alcoholic husband and I have been married for 8 years. He has always made excuses to talk me and himself out of believing that he was an alcoholic. “I only drink beer.” “I don’t cheat on you.” “I don’t beat you.” “I don’t hang out at bars.” “I bring home a paycheck.”

He has been drinking/smoking pot since he was 13. He stopped pot about 10 years ago, but increased his drinking, until 6 months ago. He pushed our 2 year old son down because he was angry at him. He is in AA, but not working the program.

He is extremely mentally disconnected to me, has a negative attitude, only talks to me to complain about something I did, so hateful, and is verbally and emotionally abusive to me.

I already checked out of the marriage. Now I am getting things lined up and ready to leave. I plan on reading your books. Thank you so much. I am educating myself as much as possible, so I won’t second guess my decisions.

Arlene,

His sorry life is not your fault. Take care of your own needs.

Principle: Just because we love someone does not mean we can or should live with them.

Many lives have been made smaller by going against this principle.

Christie,

If you find yourself wavering in your resolve to get a life, think of your son and what you would be modeling if you didn’t take action.

my husband comes from an alcoholic family. his father is one and his mom goes thru way too much. now i am going thru way too much, he( my husband) is i believe a functioning alcohlic on week days b/c of his job.but on w/e he is an ass.we have a son who i do not want to end up like his dad or grandfather, i want to leave him but i am trapped….. he becomes violent and scares us-me even though i will not let him see it. my children are my world to me and i want out of this shit so bad. today. after his drunkin rage (last night) he acts as though nothing has happened. i am terrified that one day i will hurt him while trying to protect my children, or worse yet he will hurt me, he will never put his hands (yet) on the kids, but "his dad" has a couple child abuse charges on him.he is on tether today for getting drunk and hurting his grand son (my nephew)….. but he( my husband)was raised by that man and now his son -my husband-is raising my son…. i know it was not his intention to be a alcoholic any more than my own son is intending.. but children live what they learn .and learn what they live.. .i want to do all to insure that my family is protected and safe. we havnt felt safe in our Family HOME IN A LONG TIME, i have no family to go to for help i am on my own and his parents ;like i said they is in the same boat; she never took the time to protect her children from her alcoholic husband. if me i would have been gone long before he put hands on her or her children and that is exactly why i am seeking advise and/or help. 0.

Hi Lynnette,

You are feeling unsafe because you are unsafe. There is always a way to leave. Talk to a lawyer, minister or drug and alcohol counselor. Talk with your friends about what’s happening. Find out where there is a shelter. In other words, don’t try to do everything on your own.

Remember, if you stay no matter what, you are providing the worst possible model for your son. Finances, geography and everything else pale in comparison to the importance of letting your son grow up safe and healthy. He needs a mother…alive.

Hello,
My Boyfriend started Drinking when we gave up smoking weed, In may of this year. He would drink before, but really it was when we went out or maybe a beer or two after work. Now it’s more a 6 pack and/or what ever else is around everyday… Now it’s like he needs to want to drink, (If that makes since?) Our live is not Bad, you know he don’t like his little job, But who truly dose. It hasn’t changed other then the no smoking. I have tried pointing out that he has started drinking more, That didn’t go well. He pretty much came back with - It doesn’t affect his job or his Home Life, So it can’t be that Bad. And That is mostly because I Don’t want to spend our time arguing and complaining. we get a little bit of time together a week as it is. (He work mornings & I works Nights)
Anyways, I was getting ready for work last week and over heard the T.V. Say something about a functioning alcoholic. He happened to be there at that time, I looked at him and smiled (Kinda). He said whats a functioning alcoholic? I said I don’t know the true definition, But I would assume it is someone who drinks Daily and is still able to go to work and function, and not affect their home life. Even though he is spending a great deal of time drinking, we might be watching a movie or playing a game (on my days off). So I can see how he would think it doesn’t affect his home life. But honestly I am starting to worry a bit. I like what I have with him, I don’t want to it change for the worse if it doesn’t have it.
So my main question is What is the true definition of a functioning alcoholic? and What would be the steps to take on this? I just don’t want this to get any worse…
Please Help and God Bless…

I just resently took your test and I am wanting to look at how I can get help for both myself and him with out making him so angry that he feels like he is loosing everything.

I also have seen what he is doing and it makes me angry espesially recently when he said that I was leaving my son with him as a consequence and he stated I was leaving my son with him thanks in a very angry tone. I feel so alone even with my family knowing about the problem and I thought that IF I just ignore it maybe it will go away and see that I love him and we need him but that has not worked. I just could use some help on how to deal with this. any Ideas would be fantistic. thank you
Lisa

Hi Tiffany, There are several articles on this site which will help you get clearer about the concept, "functioning alcoholic." Start with http://alcoholism.neillneill.com/9/the-functioning-alcoholic-part-one/ Basically, it is the term alcoholics love to use to excuse their alcoholic behavior. You’ll get a much fuller understanding of the area from the book, http://alcoholism.neillneill.com/living-with-a-functioning-alcoholic/

As far a what to do, you can’t do much besides looking after yourself. He would love to hook you in to being responsible for his drinking. But you are not responsible. Only he can decide to live a more fulfilling life without alcohol to bury his fears.

Hi Lisa,

As I said to Tiffany above, there isn’t much you can do. Unfortunately, the harder you try, the more he will believe the drinking is your problem, not his. You have a right to be angry, because this isn’t the deal you thought you were getting when you first connected. He has a choice about his life, but so do you. Your choice is between leaving, or staying and watching him deteriorate.

I’m not surprised you feel lonely. A marriage that isn’t working is the loneliest place on earth.

Please DON’T ever blame yourself, you are the bigger person. I am Asian. I left my husband who has now passed away. With 5 children, you have to be strong for your kids. My eldest child is 24 my youngest is 15, but I am always there. Be STRONG. YOU CAN DO IT FOR YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF. Take care because there IS help out there if you want it. x

I took the test and my husband has all the issue with drinking. he tried going into rehab but only to save his job. He always accuse me of throwing out his alchol. It’s getting hard to stay with him. he’s very mean at times and he has been arrested for dui. i need help.

Dear Tee,

If you don’t want to risk having to look after an invalid (stroke, heart attack, etc.)for the rest of his life, make a decision and take action soon. Get some professional coaching to get you through the transition. you deserve a life, so don’t give up on yourself.

I beleive I have fallen for a functional alcoholic. It’s been 6 yrs and I too used to have a few (2-3 beers) but the last 3 yrs. I have gave it up because we just were not getting along anymore. He was untrue to me more than 4 x’s and I always came back for more—co-dependent woman. Now it is that we both have children of our own and have separate homes. Now a days if I want to stay at my house for a day or two he says to just stay there and maybe i’ll see you a a couple of weeks—now what’s that suppose to mean. I have two grown children that have my grnadchildren that I love very much and he has to make comments like that and it makes me feel so miserable… Is this a relationship that need to end or what

Ann,

It ended long ago. Please do the humane thing and put it out of its misery soon.

My Husband has had an alcohol problem since he was about 19 now he is 27. When we first started dating he lived within walking distance of 3 bars which also happen to be right outside of his work. He would go to work and then straight to the bar. That lasted for about two years until we got together, he was 24, he would drink but I got him to cut back dramatically. About a year later I became pregnant with our daughter and we moved into a house across town(away from the bars) and he would go occasionally(1-2 times a month) with his friends even though he knew it stressed me out.
He still drinks, every once in awhile. He thinks it isn’t a big deal because he doesn’t go out and get drunk as much as he used to. However when he does go out and drink he can’t seem to control it. He goes with the intention of having 1 or 2 beers with his friends and it turns into shots and into hours of hanging out at the bar or we might go out to the pizza place and he will have a few really strong beers and get drunk and if I try to cut him off he gets angry because *I am trying to control him*. He has left his credit cards or wallet places, he has lost his cell phone. All because of his drinking.
He has also called in sick the day after he gets drunk because he wants to sleep all day, but when I ask him to take time off for medical appointments he seems reluctant to use leave.
I really just do not want to be around him when he drinks and I definitely do not want our daughter to see him that way.
Lately the past year or so when he gets drunk he gets angry with me. He has never hit me but he has said some very mean things to me and cussed me out. He has grabbed my wrists or my arms really hard. I am just afraid that if he doesn’t get help it will continue to escalate.
I really do not want to leave him but if he doesn’t quit I will have no choice. I will not continue to be treated like that and I will not have my daughter in that sort of atmosphere.
I am hoping his parents will be able to support me in this, his dad was a huge alcoholic and quit when my husband was born.

Hello Dr. Neil-my husband is a professional Dr. (DVM) and has always drand ever since we have met and prior to our meeting-he comes from an alcoholic family not so much abusive but grandparents that drank heavliy and his Dad when he was younger-however, his parents are great successful people as he & i are as well-we both own our own businesses and have 3 great kids-he always drank heavy and at first that was what we both did but then we had our 1st child and so on to the 3rd child and he never seemed to stop when I obviously did to become a responisble caring parent-he does not have to get up and drink at all-he goes to work, takes our kids to school and continues daily activity but by the end of the day he is usally drinking and not just one or two but several-he manages to function day after day with such a high tolerance it is often unbelievable for the amount that he consumes-for the last 5 years he has developed a tremor effect only on his left side with a duration of 30sec to 2 minutes-totaly unvoluntary motion and he cannot stop it-i have left him at least 3 times he has tried to quit but only went for 3 months-we have had peaks and valleys with our marriage due to the drinking and my anger that i have towards him-i come from an alcoholic father who was absolutely a crazy drinker-binge drinker not abusivive physcially more just mentally abusive towards-he was like no other however but i don’t feel that i should blame him for what is going on now in my life-i have people tell me that i am co-dependent which i don’t fully understand and i know that i am an enabler-we are not currently on a roller coaster ride were he was arrested because we got in an arguement that i started but he ended up hitting me as well as i did in defense-i called the cops and he was arrested and now currently is court ordered not to consume alcohol becasue of the bond release which allowed him to have direct contact with me and return hope to me and kids-we are working on everything now i just don’t know were to start

My husaband has lied, has hidden his drinking, has been charged with drinking and driving. He is irresponsible with important things, and his mother was an alcoholic. He goes to work, works around the house, but I feel it is just the guilt that makes him work so hard. I have lost myself through all this. Our daughter was born with cp and the first 3 years of her life I concentrated on getting her walking so I put his alcohol problem on the back burner. We have had domestic sistuations where I was charged once and him another, WHile he was out of the house because of the courts he was caught drinking and driving. He did not listen to his end results of the trial and has avoided getting his ignition machine installed in his car to prevent drinking and driving. I have kicked him out, and he is not taking ownership of his porblems and telling everyone that I suffer from depression. Is this guy who acted so NICE an alcoholic, from what I have reaseahed he is!!! My heart is broken because he has choosen to carry on and has no words or remorse in his part. His family is in denial as well and thinks I am crazy. Maybe I am would’nt you be after having a child with a disability, working like crazy to get her to walk, and living with someone like this!!! He does not fit the typical alcholic person, very sneaky and accomadating when needed. He has painted me as the BITCH!Sorry for the type o’s

Hi Dr.Neil,

Thank you for this site…it made me think.

I guess I should explain my problem…but I don’t know where to start…I guess ‘feeling like up against a brick wall” would be the best description for my situation…well..I’ve read every post here and realized I am not alone…my husband of 6 years is alcoholic…same as many of husbands mentioned above…his personality changes when he drinks…don’t get my wrong..he is never voilent or anything..he is a happy drunk..but he does get very defensive and could be abusive verbally when I even show slight anger about his drinking problem while he is drunk…anyway…my problem is that we are in a country in Asia where there is no counseller or supporting group like AA…we don’t even have rehab for alcoholics here…so I can’t get any medical help for him here…and another thing is that he came from another country to marry me.. he doesn’t speak the local language so he doesn’t have many friends here…the only ones he has are his drinking buddies…He tried to give up drinking for a few times but failed because when he stops drinking, he loses contact with all his friends…and with minimum choice of foreigners here, it’s almost impossible for him to make new friends…I wants to help him but I just realized that over years, I became so weak…i dare not mention his alcohol problems any more and we just avoid the problem…prend it doesn’t exist..because I don’t see there is any possiblity of solving it…I thought about divorce…but we’ve got a 3 year old daughter..once after a fight over drinking…he stormed out and I was crying…my daughter asked me…what’s wrong mum? why are you crying? …I said…because mummy doesn’t know the answer to a question…then I mentioned to her:” what if we don’t live with daddy any more? what if mummy kicks daddy out…? …I didn’t expect a proper answer from her since I didn’t think a three year old would understand that…to my surprise…she replied..” no..it’s not good…if mummy kicks daddy out..I wouldn’t have a daddy any more.”……..sometimes I just feel I should run and start afresh…but then thinking about my daughter…I don’t know what to do…

Dr. Neill,

I think my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He grew up in a very religious home where alcohol was seen as evil and banned. He did not drink in high school or college.

But then, after about 20 years of a bad marriage with me…he started having a few beers on occasion.
But that quickly grew to anywhere from 6- 15 beers a night. He has driven when he was drunk…and he often drinks alone..and secludes himself in the computer room and blasts old rock for hours on end by himself.

He has destroyed my personal belonings after a night of drinkig, and he does stumble and pass out most weekends. My children have asked him to quit…and he has made promises to them (including grand gestures like pouring all the booze down the drain) but then he starts slowly brining it back into the house and the drinking resumes.

When I ask him to consider the effect of his drinkig on the kids he says,”If this was coming from someone who I thought gave a damn about me, I might listen”.

He doesn’t drink every night…but starting Thursday night he starts his routine of drinking heavily every night of the weekend. He is often on the road…and he often works at home alone all day…so I don’t know his habits then.

In your opinion, is he an alcoholic? And, how can I get him to do something about it, as he won’t listen to me or the kids?

Thanks

Annie,

It does sound like your relationship deterioration may have gone beyond the point of no return, of course, I can’t be sure. It will be up to you to determine that.

Another article I wrote might be of some help regarding the question of your daughter. http://www.neillneill.com/154/unhappy-marriage-for-your-children/

Anna,

there is little doubt he is alcohol dependent, that is, an alcoholic. There is little you can do for him until he is ready, except to look after yourself.

Get my book. It should give you a lot of help on both counts.

I have been married for 22 years. I have two grown children, he has one grown child and we have a 15 year old son. When all the children were at home, and our son was 18 months old, (married 8 years) I caught my Husband smoking pot, I took my three children and left him and his child at our home, I went as far as filing for divorce but when it was in the last week, he promised to never use drugs again, and I moved back with him. He was an occasional drinker during those years, but for the last 8 years that I can remember, I caught him smoking again, but have learned to deal with it, also he is a heavy drinker, he buys a 12 pack a night and usually drinks all of them, he is not abusive physically, but mentally he is. He is a very layed back and on the weekends he starts drinking at noon and drinks till 11pm or till he passes out, he only drinks beer, but recently he is getting more verbally abusive toward me and our son. He has been lying about things, we do not go into bars at all, but when he is with his friends he is going to bars and this weekend he went to a casino and did not mention it to me at all, a friend came up to him at the races and asked why he left the casino last night. That leads me to believe that there is more secrets he keeps from me. As far as our sex life, I am in the same boat as a previous writer, Who wants to sleep with a drunk? It really irritates him, he asked as he is going to bed, but by the time I get dressed and up to bed, he is passed out, the when morning comes, EVERYTHING is all OK and he is not drunk, so I should give in, which I do, but he don’t wake up till my alarm clock goes off, so it is always a hurry up thing. I have threatened may times that I am going to leave him, but we own our own business and we both work here, I run the office and he runs the day to day operations, He is always at work during the day, If I need him he will work, He complains if it is past 4 because he needs to drink Beer. In the evenings if I run to the store after I close the business, I am asked where I was at, who I was with and the whole nine yards. I do not have any friends that I do things with because I caught him with one of them many many years ago, and at that time, I realized I was not going to put him it that situation again. So I chose to have my children as my friends. In the evenings I hate to go home, I have a drunk husband that I can not talk to because come morning he forgets what I said and How many times he told me the same story over and over, I spend alot of time in the basement doing laundry, or watching TV. I recently started playing Farmville on Facebook with my sister in Michigan, and I get ridiculed for spending an hour on the computer in the evenings, chatting and playing with her. I feel I have too much time invested in this marrage, but the breaking point was that I asked our son what he would do it I drank as much as his dad, and he said he would move in with a Friend of my husbands that does not drink, he said he could not stand two parents that acted like his Father. He denies that he is an alcoholic, and all reality of anyone that drinks 12 beers during the week every night and 18-24 each Saturday and Sunday. He tells me he is always broke, I tell him to add up what he spends a week on his addictions and if he would quit he would have money in his pocket. He had $700 two weeks ago, he is broke now, but like I mentioned he went to the casino and I have no idea how much he lost there, or what he spent his money on. I have never said anything like this to anyone. Our son knows what I go thru, because he is there everynight with us, while he drinks beer after beer. I am at the end. I cry all the time, I don’t understand why I put up with him. We do nothing together unless it involves beer or at a place where he can drink. We go out to eat, but it has to be somewhere that serves beer. Then we have to rush home so he can use the bathroom. We went thru this period that his whites of his eyes were RED, not bloodshot, they were totally red, I told him he needed to go to the doctor and get a check up, well he had to go for a physical one time, and the Dr. made the comment about his pupils being dialated, and he realized they knew he smoked dope so he refuses to go to a Dr. But he claimed it was his contact solution and I bought him the unbrand aerosol can and his eyes did clear up, I really thought that he either had kidney problems or was doing other drugs I had not idea about. Please give me some advise, he will not get counseling and will not admit he has a problem, but I don’t know what to do to make him realize he is a drunk, all of his friends but one is a drunk, he can not do ANYTHING without drinking, and he says everyone drinks its OK!! When he makes his comments about I don’t Love him, I tell him I do Love him, I just can’t stand him. And that is really how I feel.

My husband will drink 5 nights a week, frequently I find empty mikes’ hard lemonade bottles hidden in the car. He will go to a convenience store and fill a cup with ice and pour them in and drink and drive. Every weekend night he stays up until 4 or 5 am in the basement drinking alone…he will leave social situations to go home and drink, walking 3 miles or more home. Has even walked a mile to a convenience store to buy a case of beer because I took the keys away. I haven’t spent a weekend night with him in months. He says he does not have a problem.

Brenda and Susan,I’m send you the same response.

Your alcoholic husbands’ lives revolve around alcohol, and you are just part of the furniture. It works for them, so why would they change?

To compound the neglect and loneliness I’m sure you both experience, one of you at least is also being abused.

Even if either of them said they have a problem and would go for a few sessions of counselling, it won’t make any difference, except perhaps to get you to stay a bit longer. As soon as they think you will stay, the old patterns will return.

Love is not a good enough reason to not have a life. Self-neglect in the name of a cause (children, business, security, etc.)is still self-neglect.

Many spouses of alcoholics have gone on to make new lives for themselves. Many have continued to run a business with their ex partners. The children are usually better off, just knowing their father or mother is a drunk, rather than having to see it and dodge the bullets every day.

Please look after yourselves.

My husband is a functional alcolholic! We have been married for ten years, together fourteen and he has had a drinking problem the entire time! I do not know what to do anymore! Our three children are getting older and I am not able to cover for their dad as I have done in the past! He does and says horrible things when he is drunk, which lately is atleast twice a week! Our kids hear the way he talks to me and I can see the hurt and anxiety in our oldest boys eyes! When I will not buy him beer or take him to the bar he will leave and drive himself, which scares me to death! I have made deals with him, ignored it and enabled him to the hilt! I love him immensely and have learned to view him as two different people, the one I love who is good to me and the other guy I can’t stand to be around! Many people do not see his drinking as a problem and his family chooses not to take it on either. I am very scared that one of our boys will become like him and I can’t stand the idea. I know staying is wrong because I am just as much to blame for what the kids go through because of it, but I don’t know how to leave either! I am a classic co-dependent! I need some advice!

Your son turning out like his dad would be sad. But it would be just as sad if he were to find himself in a toxic relationship and couldn’t end it no matter what. That’s what you are modeling.

Sometimes you have to put your heart on the back burner, use your head, and just do it even if you don’t know how or what will happen.

Dear Dr Neil,
I really need some advice. My husband is an alcholic and admits it. We got married in May this year. We are still young, I am 25, he is 27 but our lives are so boring. I can’t drive and its a real effort to get him interested in doing anything in the evening. A usual evening would be him drinking and watching TV, making a mess wherever he went and going to bed/passing out on the sofa about 8pm. I should have known. IHe promised me when he asked me to marry him that he would quit and that was 2 years ago.
I know it sounds stupid but I find it hard to cope, not knowing what mood he is in, he’s so up and down - he also has a caffeine addiction which affects his ability to function at work.He only drinks in the evening but lies about it and hides it. He rarely has any money or motivation to do anything. He has abnormal blood test results which indicate he has an alcoholic liver. The doctor has said he will get cirrhosis if he doesn’t stop.
I desperately want children and feel it would be wrong to get pregnant right now. I don’t know what to do and feel I am getting maybe a bit depressed about it. I keep crying and recently feel like I can’t breathe and have been having panic attacks.
I told my husband all this and he acts as if I am exaggerating but I am not, at least I don’t think I am but he messes with my head.
It got really bad and I told him if he doesn’t stop drinking in the evenings during the week and drinking redbull during the day I will kick him out. I have given him until christmas and he was doing okay. He lasted about 5 days. This week he has been dry 1 - 2 nights but it’s hard to tell. I knew he was drunk Mon/Tues but he lied and said I was watching for it so I would think that and that it was all in my head.
I am finding it hard to cope. My family support me but there is nothing that they can do. Noone understands how lonely it is. I have near to no friends in the area and can’t drive to see anyone. I am too ashamed to tell people because I know if I were them I would think me an idiot for staying with him. I don’t know what to do - when he is sober we get on fantastically - it’s like a rollercoaster of emotions and I am sooo tired of worrying what he is doing/if he is drinking/about his health/if he will embarrass me when we are out etc.
He doesn’t see the seriousness of it all, I get so angry I wanna hurt him so I say really nasty things because I am frustrated. Just when I have had enough he will be really nice to me and I will forgive him and so it goes on….
Please help, I can’t do this anymore, it’s messing with my head

I have just been caught drinking alone by my pregnant fiancee. I was on my 7th beer, I told her it was my third (there were three bottles on the table, the others I’d already chucked).

I drink regularly after work, sometimes one or two, sometimes more - if I know I will get away with it. I also smoke heavily. I have mostly been able to keep this hidden from those I love.

I do NOT want to be this man. I have a good job, a loving (normally drinking) family and a great fiancee who I will marry next year and who will have our first child soon. I do NOT want fuck this up.

I am weeping as I write this because I am terrified that I can not stop. God knows I want to! But, but… it’s all bullshit. I know I’ll probably pick up a beer again in the next few days. Why? Why do something that I know will cause me and those I love pain? I cannot explain it, it is outside of me, a compulsion I cannot live without.

I will now go to bed. I will make the usual resolutions that this is the last time but in my heart of hearts I know that I am already planning my next drinking session.

My finacee’s father is an alcoholic. I do not want to visit this foolishness upon her twice or my children at all. I will stop. Please let me stop. Please.

John,
I composed a private response to you, only to find your email address was fake.

Call me if this is not a spoof.

married 31 yrs. can’t work, i had brain surgery, am an epileptic. i used to drink many years ago and found out i was not an alcoholic. 31 yrs. ago we went to marriage counseling. 4 other times. he went to AA while in the military and started again.

he gets verbal with me, no intimacy and blames it on me saying that i gossip all the time, he is self indulgent and i know that i am part to blame in this, not putting a "gun" to his head and say drink but in the past getting his beverage.

well, for 4 yrs or however long he drinks and drives which is dangerous, against the law, and stupid. he could kill someone and/or himself. i told him to quit or i leave. i have had it. he has not worked since the summer. he begged me to stay but from a letter on the pc i got from him it sounds like he is still drinking because he is at his job in another state and he gets aggravated if i call him too much saying he needs me time.

well i don’t really know what to do. i have made financial mess, too many pets and i am rectifying this situation. i plan to not be so impulsive in the future but i still think when i told him last week i was going to leave and he begged me not to; i don’t trust him. i am scared and alone. my family is many hundreds of miles away from me. i already talked to a lawyer and i feel in my heart of dealing with this nonsense i deserve to have a happy life filled with positive stuff and not drunken behavior and nastiness. i agreed to sit down and write out things with him and told him he must quit and i suggested AA again. at first he begged me to stay then i said how to you intend to quit, cold turkey he says - he will need support. most folks at his jobs drink after work out of state. alot of them are divorced because of drugs, drinking, and affairs or all of the above.

my husband says i keep him too broke to have a girlfriend - too bad i said you aren’t supposed to have one. i don’t feel loved anymore, i have never been asked how was my day in all these yrs. i get yelled at for putting a home cooked meal on the table because he isn’t hungry most of the time (buzz kill). he pops a beer in the am until night time or a beer afternoon nap. i personally am no angel. i have done my share of drinking in my 20’s. my husband suggested i was an alcoholic and i went to AA only to find out i was a lonely wife who drank to try to resolve problems. now, i rarely drink except 1/2 inch red wine as my heart dr. told me which i dislike the taste of.

anyways, i am so frustrated and this guy is a big time manipulator. yes, i had way too many pets and lived beyond my means and now its kicking my butt and i am trying to fix it, one day at a time.

God Bless and Happy Turkey Day Marie ; < )

So Dr. what do you suggest I do?

Marie,

You don’t deserve this.

If you can come up with some rational reasons to stay, then stay. If not, then leave. Staying together no matter what is sometimes a dumb idea, especially if the “what” includes abuse.

Thank you for your reply. I will see how he is when he comes home from another state on wed. night and leaves on sunday. we
have agreed as to what pets for me to part with and I am the one who pays the bills,takes care of the pets, etc. i just feel scared and know that if i walk out the door that is it - very final. i feel i have to give him an ultimatum. he said it is a money factor, i said no if it were about money i would have been gone a very long time ago. he knows that i have a lawyer waiting in the wings, my mom (God Bless her) has been helping us $ wise and will help me if i decide to go. i have always believed in God and second chances, but this is way too many times. i really believe he will drink in the other state or when he is not around me. he already told me when the neighbors got into a fight as i drove us to dinner, that is right he was already drinking; that if i acted up i could move and live w/my mom. he sounds like he is bullying me into this decision, and is a procrastinator at the same time so i look like the bad guy. everyone loses in this situation. i lose so much, his selfishness (if he chooses to still drink) leave me w/no medical coverage and i am an epileptic w/no income; i lose my cute puppy, the only home i ever had w/him. then i acquire a mound of debt. so no one wins. it really is a sad situation.

Marie,

It is a sad situation. If you choose to leave, you are choosing not to be a victim of his abuse. But it is your choice

I have been married to an functioning alcoholic for almost 30 years. Over time I have given myself numerous target dates…once the kids are out of high school….after they get out of college….once we get college paid for is my current one. I feel like I’m caught in a vortex of my own making and I can’t figure out how to stop the spinning.

A couple of years ago he got very sick and almost died (MRSA). While he fought the virus, he also fought DT’s and when he was finally released from the hospital he was alcohol free. And I thought now things will work. Once again I was wrong. You see he didn’t remember what happened and I’m not sure he believed the DT’s part. Anyway, it started out slowly and now he is doing exactly the same stuff he was doing before he was sick.

I think I know what I need to do, but I just don’t have the courage to do it. And I’m scared that if I leave him he will spin out of control. It’s as if I am more worried about him then he is about himself.

I’m not sure I have a question, I just needed someone to tell this to. I’m just so alone.

I married an alcoholic. He knew he had a problem, and checked himself in a rehab center & went to AA for a year. He was sober for almost 2 years. (our relationship was nice then) Then he started drinking beer instead of whiskey thinking it would be ok.

It’s NOT OK. I never get to talk to him sober. He works & when he comes home he leaves to drive around and puts away so much beer he comes home a different person. If I want to tell him something goofy or just have fun. He wants to take any happiness from me with comments that he would never say sober.

I’m beginning to never see him sober & now if I do, it’s like he is mad at me. I don’t confront or fight with him. My daughter does point out the drinking which makes him mad. Most of us just try to avoid him when husband comes home by leaving the room, because they do not want to be around him. He treats our pre-teen children & teens so different. Picks on them and makes them think they are stupid.

As for me, I don’t like him. Right now he has turned up the TV so loud, and wants someone to say turn it down, so he can get mad. I don’t feel like my happy-go-lucky self like I used to. I want my children to be happy.

DUI - 2 times. Makes me feel like it’s my fault - yes I’m rambling, but thanks for reading, this helped just saying it. I’m going to go, because I do not want him to see what I’m doing.

Hi Tina,

You have taken the first step in getting out of the vortex — you have recognized it. Alcoholics are very skilled at making others feel responsible for their well-being. Getting out of the vortex means giving that responsibility back to him. It never was yours to have.

Pam, you come across as a woman in a lot of emotional pain. You don’t deserve this.

Hi Dr. Neill Neill,

I gave my husband an ultimatum and said I was leaving. This was the Friday before Thanksgiving. He begged me to stay and said he wouldn’t do any more of his negative priorities like drinking. He said we’ll write it all out on a piece of paper. Well, he is home for 3 days. On the 3rd day I am wondering why I felt I had to be the one to get 2 sheets of paper out and write down things we would not do anymore and things to improve on in our relationship. Ironically he read his list folded it up and I didn’t see it. Mine was on the table and I read mine off. So far I have placed 7 of my pets elsewhere and 3 more to go and I have to sell a gorgeous golden pup that is to be my Epileptic Dog.

I feel since he went back to work in TX I had a feeling he would still drink and I was right. He came home on Sat. for 1 hour to fill in for a guy 3 hours away who had seizures. Well I said have you been drinking. Yes I might have had one in TX. My heart sank. I said why? He said because I don’t f**king care. Then a present he handed me for Christmas was a movie and I said you wrap it and I saw a receipt for that and a 6 pack 2 days prior. Then his email he says to his boss, hey lets grab a cold one. He lied and said our older son hadn’t contacted him, he went to England. Evidentally my son mentioned that 1st wives should be starter one LOL. So he has been talking back and forth w/our son. This son does’t want to talk to me - he is alcoholic, so is other son. I went out of my way to get my husband Eric Clapton tickets, if I knew this was gonna happen, I would have left.

I feel like a dope. I decorated everything for xmas and my momma is supposed to be driving down here next sunday, 10 1/2 hour drive. I don’t know what to do. I still have to place his cat and the others and sell pup. Please I am desperate.

thanks

Oh I forgot to say my husband got cocky with me and says you don’t walk out after 31 yrs - like I threatened him. Its not a threat, its a promise. this is ridiculous.

Sometimes, Marie, you just have to put your heart on the back burner and use your head. There is no future for you there.You haven’t had a life for a long time. Placing the animals an excuse, because anyone could handle that for you.

You have been waiting for the right time to make a move.There is no good time.

There will be pain, but sometimes a short period of pain is a necessary part of healing. Weigh it against prolonging the pain you already experience.

Hi Dr. Neil Neil,

Well I did go to ALA Non and a church. I am trying to change my ways. It seems/appears as my husband is asking me to let him know my plans as he would not let the house go to pot and rent it out. He also mentioned he needs to find a place to take his cat w/him to TX. Well, after 4 weeks ago of him begging me to stay why he is thinking this way unless he figures this is “his way out” and says neither one of us is in any position to get an apt. Well, my mom is willing to help me - but
I have come to the conclusion that I have to take care of me and I plan on getting a job. I refuse to be put down anymore. Yes, the pets I saved them and I wasn’t mentally “with it” for a long time due to the brain surgery many years ago. Now it is like a light bulb went off in my head. So, he kept telling my today ALL day via text message, and email that once I make
a decision its permanent. So, this I know - I stand to lose much, you are right NO time is “right” for the move. I think I am so very scared for the first time in my life to “cut” the cord… Thank you again. Enjoy the Holidays and God Bless.
Marie

Dr. Neill, Sunday night I told my husband he needed to find a place to stay for a while. Not the start to 2010 I was expecting. I don’t know what happened. I was upset with him for something that happened New Years day (that was alcohol related, it could have been building?). Anyway he was out most of Sunday, but came home and made dinner, I figured he was ok. Within a period of 2 hours he was so drunk he could barely stand. I had never seen him like this in all of our 15 years of marriage. He was a mess in front of our 10 year old daughter. I have believed for quite some time that my husband has a drinking problem, but it has been difficult because he doesn’t drink anything in front of me except beer, and only a beer or two a night at that. He hides his drinking and lies about it. I have found bottles of booze hidden in his work bench (at first by accident). Also any alcohol in our house that we have ends up disappearing or has less than an inch left in the bottle eventually. My husband swears he doesn’t drink it, but it has to be him because it isn’t me. He has denied it all. He goes to work every day. Never missed a day of work. Any evidence I put in front of him he lies about. He is one of five boys in his family. Three of them have acknowledged problems with alcohol and don‘t drink now (they all live in another part of the country). His father was/is an alcoholic as was at least one of his uncles that I know of.

So here are my two immediate questions Dr. Neill, since we have been living like this for years, is it possible to change really? If he hides it and lies, how will I ever really know if he stops or if he starts again? I have told him that he can not come back home until he figures this out. I am so scared and alone (and wondering how I am going to do it financially) but I won’t live this anymore. I am tired of the lies. I am done.

My daughter will not see her dad like that again. She will not grow up in a house with a alcoholic….and I believe with the things I have been reading the last two days she has been. How could I not have known all the non-drinking signs? We really had a decent life.

Next question, is it normal for an alcoholic to just lose it one day out of the blue like my husband did? I know you can’t really tell me. I just don’t get any of it.

Kathleen,

Yes it is possible to change, but it seldom happens in a “closed system” like a marriage. Usually change requires outside professional help in addition to a commitment to change. Then when the change occurs, everything else changes, sometime including the one who wanted their partner to change, not wanting to be with that partner any more.

His ‘losing it’ may have been a lot less “out of the blue” than it appeared.

The point is, whether he changes or not, you deserve a life. So does your daughter. And part of having a life is being able to trust the people in your life to be honest with you. That’s the issue you need to examine…for you.

Dr. Neil. Neill,

Thank you for the reply. I do deserve a life. I read about so many women that stay and stay, I don’t know how they do it. I can’t live a moment longer with my husband if he is going to continue to drink and or lie. It just isn’t a life I want or deserve. I have made an appointment with a therapist, for myself. You see, the more that I have read about alcoholism this last week, the more that I have realized just how long the problem has gone on in our house and just what he has taken from our family in time. Falling asleep every night way too early, having sleep problems, no energy to do anything, no family vacations, going to the hardware store how many times a weekend, and the list goes on! How absence he has been, etc. I also have found out that he has been spending a lot of money each month. Oh my, was I ever the trusting…or should I say stupid wife. My eyes are wide open now.

He came home today, with the promise that he has contacted someone for help and is making an appointment. I told him all that I know and that he will only be able to stay if he isn’t drinking and if he is making progress, not just promises, in getting help. I also told him that I will leave him period, if things don’t get better. I believe that he wants his family, but I also realize that alcohol has a very stong hold on people.

The bottom line is that my daughter and I will have a better life without him if he decides to continue to drink. The most difficult part for me is the lying. I am not sure I can really get past the lying. I am hoping the therapist will help me work through all of this. I feel like I have been hit with a ton of bricks, but am determined to pick myself up and dust myself off and figure out what is next for my daughter an I.

Hi,
I am newly married to a husband who is generous, gregarious, caring, and intelligent. We have a lot of fun together and have been called “the perfect couple.” We have a large circle of friends who go out drinking and drink at cookouts, etc. They tend to call out anyone who gets out of line. He and I have had several nights where we drank together and had a ball, no problems.

For work, he comes and goes for months at a time. He has never missed work because of drinking. He never hides alcohol. He may even be at work for a couple of months without drinking a drop.

However, my husband is beginning to worry me more and more. I have started drinking a lot less when we go out because I worry that I will have to “wrangle” him again. The more I lay off on my drinks the more I notice his inability to stop drinking once he starts. He has said to me before, “Why aren’t you drinking with me?” He gets defensive if I suggest that he is drunk. There have been several occasions when he complained about “our” $120+ bartab when I had only had 2 drinks. I didn’t mention it.

The night before our wedding, he got angry because we didn’t stay out drinking with his friends longer. We did not have sex on our wedding night because he was passed out.

When we were first drinking together, I didn’t know how to react to his behavior. I thought, “Well, I’ve had a few drinks. Maybe he’s right and it IS me.” He would try to intimidate me with his size and yell in my face. I yelled right back and once got so angry at how patronizing he was that I threw my glass at the wall beside us. He made me feel so guilty the next day for throwing a glass and in turn minimized his behavior.

One night he grabbed me and squeezed me so tight that I couldn’t breathe and had to drop all of my weight to the ground to get away. He said he was trying to “get control of me” because I was “freaking out” when in fact I was trying to hurry into the house so the neighbors wouldn’t hear him yelling. I was not freaking out and was attempting to talk to him in a soft voice.

I have learned to sit calmly and talk to him in a slow voice and an understanding tone. It doesn’t help tremendously. Everything he sees and hears is warped; I call it his “drunken magnifying glass.” The slightest comment can make him defensive. When I tell him he needs to stop doing something he says, “I have lived over 30 years without you, I think I can do just fine.”

Once, my sister was visiting us and we decided to go home after being out on the town. My husband was out of control and did not want to go home. He tried to open the door and jump out of my rolling car! He was also very rude to my sister (yelling, bringing up her personal past) when she told him he was out of line.

One night we vowed to stay in and not go out. I fell asleep in his lap while we were watching a movie and he was drinking. I woke up alone and his car was gone. He drove to the bar down the street, completely wasted. When I went to pick him up he said, “it’s no big deal, I wasn’t chasing girls.”

He has said things to me while drinking that I will never be able to forget. He doesn’t call me names or hit me but he will look me right in the eyes and try vehemently to cut me to the core. It is so unlike him that I always end up crying in a heap because arguing does no good. I am also afraid to just walk away (he has driven away a number of times or walked down the road.) I wake up feeling empty and somehow like it’s my fault. He usually tries to blame me and sometimes I get trapped into apologizing.(!) Sometimes he blacks out and can’t remember things he says but it seems to have less impact when I repeat the scenarios and words back to him the next day. I tell him how damaging it is to me–always tearfully. He even apologizes sometimes. I tell him that it feels like I lose him when he is that way.
I have also noticed that his drinking has stages. I have named them:

Eeyore–kind of sad and melancholy, drinking begins

Clown–the world is great, everyone’s happy, he’s telling dramatic stories

Don Juan–suddenly I am the most beautiful girl in the world, he is very complimentary, seems to lose ability to stop drinking at this stage

Lightswitch–the man I know turns off, sometimes speech becomes really slurred (I have watched it happen in mid-sentence) or sentences don’t make sense, gets loud, turns into any of these:

Xerox–he gets stuck on one thought, or demands repeatedly that I answer his questions with only “Yes or No!”

Executioner–has to have the last word, threatens to end relationship because of something I have said to him

Blindman–blacked out, stumbles, knocks pictures off walls, wanders off in wrong direction, falls, leaves doors open (our dogs once escaped and ran across a busy road at night)

This doesn’t seem like typical alcoholism–or does it? Is it just bad binging? Am I enabling? Very tired of thinking about it and afraid it will happen again when he comes back.

Thanks for reading. Sorry it is long but it is the first time I’ve told anyone besides my sister.

My husband of 32 years this past December is an alcoholic. I left him in April of last year and he is still killing me. This past December he passed out and the furnace went out when he was found his body temp was 86 degrees. Everything was shuting down. Well believe it or not he pulled through, he is back home, alone, and drinking again. Our daughter is beside herself with guilt. While I have tried to tell her he won’t listen, and I think I should know because I tried for 31 and a half years, to get him to stop.

The last 10 years have been hell. He has gotten so nasty. Screaming, smashing walls for no reason, smashing anything in front of him when he got in one of his moods. I have my periods of guilt but I will not go back. I would only make it easier for him to drink, at least now he has to go and get it himself. He will be dead soon, either from an accident or another issue like he (and my daughter and I just went through with him in Dec.) Yes he wasn’t the only one suffering, they never seem to realize that, or care who else suffers. Just so they get that drink.

He doesn.t even know he suffered a bit of brain damage this past December, or maybe he just doesn’t care. I understand it is an illness but when everyone around you is in pain isn’t it time to seek help? His grandson is afraid of him, yet he says to me every now and then "I miss Pappy, why is he so mean?" His grandson misses him and he doesn’t even appear to care, maybe he doesn’t.

It has been a rough 10 years or so. I tried, he didn’t, What happens now happens. He only has himself to blame.