Alcoholism Test

I don't have a comment so much as a question. My dad is a recovering alcoholic, sober for 20 years now. I believe my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He goes to work and still interacts with his family, but he drinks on a daily basis, sometimes lies about it, was just recently in a car accident that he claims he was sober for, but I smelled liquor on his breath. The question I have, though, is whether or not you need a lot of alcohol to get that feeling when you have been drinking for a long time(about 2 years now). He will have a mixed drink(rum and coke) and already I start to notice the slurred words, the different vocabulary, the heavy lidded eyes. I asked my dad and he said that it was possible. Does anyone else know anything about this? Thanks for the time and help.

Casey

Hi Casey,

Yes, it does happen, but you deserve a fuller explanation than I can give here now. I'll try to write up a more detailed explanation of what could be going on. Expect a post in the next week or so.

Neill

I think my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He admitted this in the past, briefly attended AA, and stopped drinking for a few weeks. He has since started drinking again and now says he doesn't have a problem. He stays out til 4 AM and drinks heavily sometimes 4 or 5 nights a week, often instead of spending time with me or working. We are having lots of problems (obviously), and I have given him the ultimatum that I will only stay with him if he agrees to reconsider reducing his drinking and make an appointment for us to attend couple's counseling. Friends and family members are telling me that ultimatums aren't productive and lead to codependent behavior. Any thoughts? I could really use some help.

I belive my son who is 22 is an alcoholic. His biological dad has alcoholism all in his immediate family. My son lies constantly and has no conscience. He steals our credit cards to go out even though he knows he will get caught. He can not hold a job and has dropped out of college. He can go days w/o drinking, but has a hard time ever drinking 1 drink or 2. He has mentioned recently he thinks he is a functioning alcoholic. I am scared to death. Any words of advice?

Hello again Casey,

As promised, I wrote up a fuller explanation than I could include here. It begins: "We normally associate alcoholism with increased tolerance to alcohol. Alcoholics often are able to drink a great deal before the usual symptoms of intoxication kick in — slurred speech, falling asleep, getting loud, poor balance, and poor judgment which could lead to and accident or a DUI charge. However, there are exceptions. Some functioning alcoholics do indeed show signs of intoxication with as little as a single drink. There are at least two different reasons why this might happen." Read full post. I hope this may be of some help to you.

Neill

Hi J,

Ultimatums are OK as long as you are not bluffing. If you can't follow through, you may already be slipping into codependency. Remember, "The ultimate bluff is no bluff at all." I suggest you read my two little ebooks, "Addiction and codependency simplified" and "The personal change manifesto." At this point you can still get them free when you subscribe to my monthly letter, so do it now.

Neill

Dear Kathy,

 My heart goes out to you. I have been through the same thing as a parent. I am very reluctant to offer direct advice-I know so little about you. What I can say is that in our case, we had to require our son to leave the house and visit only when invited, institute a policy of never giving him money (no exceptions), never give advice unless asked, and always love him. We privately worried about suicide. We got professional help for ourselves. It took incredible patience, but after a few years, rehab a couple of times, medical problems, lost friends, etc., he cleaned up. He's now happier than I have ever seen him and the family relationships are excellent. Read Addiction with a twist.

Love and blessings,

Neill

My husband has always been a good provider and never missed a day of work because of drinking. He used to drink beer all the time but switched to wine. He now buys boxes of wine(they last a couple of days) and he only drinks at night after working 14 hour days. We can not really discuss his drinking because he gets very defensive about it but my concern is lately he seems to have extensive memory loss. For example, I can have a conversation with him yesterday and then today he does not seem to remember. Or he knew right after work yesterday I was going to church to work a supper we were having but he still called the house twice looking for me. It must have dawned on him because he then came looking for me before he went home. Is this a sign things are getting worse? I have been very angry and hostile toward him because I just don't know how to deal with it but that is not fair to him or our children either. Thank you for your help. I try very hard not to let anyone know that this is a concern in our home but our children are getting older and things are getting much harder because my older daughter is starting to provoke him more and more.

Dear Jean,

Yes, your husband's memory loss is a sign that things are getting worse. The fact that he is getting defensive about his drinking is also a sign that things are getting worse. So is your anger and the fact that you are keeping things secret, and so is the fact that he is getting grouchy with the kids when they approach him. Some of my other articles under the categories of "Alcoholism" and "Codependency" may be of help to you. Jean, please join my mailing list if you have not already done so. I will be releasing a book this spring, entitled "Living with a Functioning Alcoholic, A Woman's Survival Guide."

Take care,

Neill

PS: I just added an an article about functional alcoholics and their memory problems.

I'm enjoying your site…please take a look and comment in ours…we just started it last week. We are three men who are all long-time Al-Anons, and whose lives have been terribly affected by the disease of addiction.

Ken P

Dear Ken,

Thank you for your comment. I will be watching the growth of your site with interest. Men living with addicted spouses, adult children or parents is a huge but largely invisible problem.

Best wishes,

Neill

hi well i am 15 and i think my dad is an alcholic he always has drank since i can remember because of drinking my mam and dad split up and i havent talked to my dad for a year now he started getting nasty. i dont know what the symptons are though he knewst to complain about bleeding from his back side and coughed up blood and had nose bleeds often every day and has always shook if we went out for the day he would shake until he had a drink. he drinks every day witout a fail and his fridge is full of beer no food just beer he denys and goes mad when you tell him he is an alcholic and gets his way out of it why he is coughing up blood what does this mean does it mean his liver is failing? or he is close to been 6ft under? please write back i need to know asap kasey please can you email me the answers if you do write back would mean alot if you did

Dear Kasey,

I’m not a medical doctor and I cannot give medical advice. What I can say is that if he were a member of my family I would try to get him to see a doctor right away. The bleeding could be a sign of a severe health problem. What you describe about his drinking behavior and symptoms does sound like advanced alcoholism.

Again, he needs to see a doctor, because quitting drinking alone could be dangerous. But whatever happens, always remember that you did not cause it. You can ask him to see a doctor, but whether he does or not, it will be his decision, not yours. It is possible he has chosen to die, and this is his way of speeding it up. It’s not your fault one way or the other.

I lost both my parents when I was young, dad when I was 8 and mom when I was 16, not to alcohol, but to accidents. I know how scary it can be. But he’s still with you. Ask your mom if you can go to a counselor. It could help you a lot. It never occurred to me to do that when I was your age, but I have often wished I had gone to see someone. It would have saved me a mountain of grief later in life. From this awful time I hope you have already made your own decision that you will never go down the path your father has chosen. If you have learned that, it could be the biggest gift you could ever give him. Blessings,

Neill

In reading through your list, it just confirms what I have known, but have refused to admit to others. That my husband is a functioning alcholic. I have known it for some time now..3+ years. I grew up with a VERY abusive & alcholic father myself. While my husband has never ever been physically abusive, I can look back and see the emotional/verbal abuse. It absolutely kills me that our daughter has to deal with the same crap I had to deal with growing up.

She is nearly the same age I was when my parents finally split up - for our safety (me, little brother & mom). I no longer speak to my dad -he hasn't been involved in my life in over 6 -7 years now. After 30+ years of "dealing with it" I just couldnt anymore. While my husband has always been a 'beer drinker'. I notice it is more and more and that he is also 'sneaking' drinks. -usually the hard alcohol-. he will mix with a soda and pretend he isnt drinking. But the slurred words, the facial expressions - I can tell immediately.

Our marriage has had its ups & downs -as do all- but we have survived some pretty extreme problems. 1st our son died @ 20 days old, never came home,was in hospitals entire 20 days of life. 2nd. my medical problems. I had ulcerative colitis (part genetic, partly caused by stress from my own father-started at age 12). then 3rd -just over 2years ago now I nearly died from Necrotizing Faciitis (the flesh eating bacteria). I was in the hospital for 29days with 10 surgeries total. So with ALL the bills for myself and all of my physical ailments then from when our son became ill on his 4th day of life & his stay in 3 different hospitals. I have always tried so hard to keep a positive lookout -no matter what has happened. We only argue (usually) when he has been drinking, and now our 9 1/2 year old daughter is having trouble in school. She has always been an excellent student in K-3rd grades. Now in 4th -she is struggling, we are catching her in lies about schoolwork too. I have always told her -that she can come to me no matter what and talk to me about anything -we have a very close relationship. But I have directly asked her if the problems that her Dad and I have might possibly have something to do with her problems this year. She admited that Yes, she worries about our arguements and is stressed out that we are going to divorce.

I have done my best to assure her that this will not happen, and even explained it to my husband. At first he did not believe me -when I told him about our daughters struggles -and the cause of them. So I told him to ask her himself. She did admit to him and he too assured her, that we loved each other and are not divorcing. (We both come from divorced families and commited in the very beginning to not become a statistic -as our parents did. I know that his Dad too, also had problems with alcohol when he was young-but doesnt anymore). I am just so tired and stressed out and this isnt good for me physically with all my medical problems (there are more than what I listed earlier). His main 'problem' with me (so he says) is Sex. I was unable to for over 1 year -due to the Necrotizing Faciitis -and where it was(groin area-I came close to loosing some female body parts). So now that we can - I still have no 'Desire' to, ESPECIALLY once he has had a few beers. I just cant. He used to tell me, I am not like your dad, but in reality he is starting to become like him -the verbal abuse -that he doesnt seem to be aware of.

I can talk with our closest friends about it. But even then its very embarresing still. My husband also likes to ask me-quite often- If I want him to 'get it' somewhere else? If I wont do it, then what is he supposed to do? ((it is ALWAYS about him.."what about me" he is often saying)). And I just think…well -what about ME Dammit! And how am I supposed to have desire -for a drunk. NO WAY! Is there Anything you could recommend. I have brought up with him -only when sober- that he might have a problem with alcohol and he agreed that 'sometimes he drinks too much'. but of course - its my fault.

I will mention that I used to drink too -not as much as him though, but due to a problem with my liver I am not supposed to. I have Secondary Sclerosing Cholangitis = caused by my ulcerative colitis. –just another one of my many medical problems. so I really have enough to worry about with myself, His crap just adds to the stress of daily life. Like I said before, I am just so tired of it all. Thank you.

Lara in Oregon

I'm quite sure my husband is a functioning alcoholic. His mother is an alcoholic and has been for a long time. He has never gotten along with his mother and is quite embarassed and disgusted by what she has become from her drinking. His family has never much discussed her alcoholism, though they all know she is one. He and his family have never been known for their communication skills.

My husband has always been a beer drinker and loves his beer. I have often thought he may have a problem, but am quick to discount it and make excuses. He is not at all abusive verbally or physically, in fact, he's in a much better mood once he's had a couple beers after a day at work. I have noticed he has been drinking about 10 beers a night. He gets up every morning and goes to work, doesn't drink and drive, and there are really no terrible things happening…yet. We don't have children yet, though I want to start a family soon, and the excessive drinking scares me. He doesn't seem to black out, just comes to bed a little tipsy at the end of the evening. I asked him about it a week or so ago and he told me he'd cut back and said he understood where I was coming from. I have since found beers hidden, and between the hidden beers and the ones in the fridge, he is still drinking 10 a night.

It's so hard to really say too much since he isn't turning into a terrible person when he drinks, though I assume if he keeps this up, that will change, maybe. I'm feeling very lost, and like a bit of an idiot for beleiving him when he told me he'd cut back. Any recommendations on how to approach him so he doesn't get upset and defensive, but rather is able to understand what I"m saying? Am I right to think that he has a problem?

Lara,

I saw your note on Dr. Neill's web site. It sounding like ME talking! Except for your medical problems. I hope you are doing much better in that area. I would love to talk to you….please feel free to email me at sweetdrmr2@aol.com anytime. Thanks so much and I'll be praying for you.

Harriet

Dear Lara and Sharon,

My heart goes out to both of you. Your questions are important, but too difficult to answer properly in a short comment section. So instead of attempting it, I have written two longer posts, one on March 20 called Alcoholism and Marriage and one on Mach 25 called Getting Help for a Marriage with a Functioning Alcoholic. I hope these articles are of some help to you. My book on living with a functioning alcoholic will be available in May. If you haven't already done so, sign up for Practical Psychology for Capable People at the top of the page and you will be notified.

Neill

In June (2007), my husband and I will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. Honestly, it is a true miracle we have survived this long. I firmly believe that my husband is a functioning alcoholic. I see here that we fit the alcoholic test. My concern is if there is hope in our marriage. I feel as if I'm up against a brick wall. My husband claims to be happy with the marriage. However, I recently found out that he is cheating when he drinks as well. The first known incidence he claims the girl pursued him. The second incidence he doesn't remember. Recently, the third incidence I caught him. He was drinking but not drunk. He tried to claim I was losing my mind/psychotic. I feel I was very calm giving the situation. I feel there is no turning back. He claims he can and will do better. What do I look for that he is sincere at improving? I don't want to waste my time on hopeful promises like I have in years past. I need some direction. I'm do love him but dread his vicious cycle.

Dear Tonya,

My heart goes out to you. From what you say, your husband may have a sex addiction in addition to his alcoholism. Addiction is compulsive behavior and is not likely to change just because he intends it. My guess is, and it is a guess since I don't know you, that the reason you are still there after all the betrayal, excuses and blame is that you have become codependent with him, that is, you are addicted to his care, and your addiction keeps you from looking after yourself. Read my articles on codependency, but more importantly, get some professional help for yourself so you can gain some clarity. If you get clear and he goes into rehab because he wants to, your marriage could survive. I'm sorry I can't be more encouraging, Tonya.

Neill

My husband and I will be married 3 years in July, 2007, we're both 42 years old. We both drank socially before we were married and at the beginning of the marriage. He, at the time, worked as an inventory warehouse manager and I as an accountant. In addition over the next 2 years put a 2-story addition on our house and are renovating the older section of the house.

During that time, we drank more often while working. It was fun, we were newlyweds, we didn't think much of it. In July of 2006, he was 'let-go' from his job because of a new management team coming in, basically, and we decided he should start his own home improvement company. Over the next 2 months I got the corporation started, applied for the home improvement license which he had to take a test for, took care of all the insurance requirements, etc. He started advertising and doing small side jobs until the license came in.

By October into November of 2006 I noticed he was home everytime I would stop by, he was sleeping most of the time. And slept most of the night and still saying he was tired in the morning. He was also buying porn off the TV at $14.00 a show, which was adding up and also not showing up for jobs, which the customers were calling me to see why he hadn't shown up. He also started a couple jobs and never went back. I assumed he was depressed and having problems with being fired. So I called to make an appointment for him to see a psychologist. She gave him an anti-depressant called Lexapro which he took for a while and then said it made him feel funny so he wanted to change it to another. In the end he changed types 4 times and continued to drink through the entire process even though the doctor advised him not to. I, in the meantime, had to have a cervical fushion and was out of work for 6 weeks and then could only work part time for the next 3 months. During this time, he turned everything and everyone's attention to me.

Everything from my kids (not his) were bad and didn't help around the house to I have issues from my childhood that I need to deal with, etc. He got his whole family involved and against me (while I was doing nothing but trying to help him) I hadn't been drinking because of the surgery and he had been saying he hadn't been drinking since January because of the medicine, I just recently found out that he's been lying to me, not only about the drinking, but also about taking the anti-depressants. He had taken the Lexapro but none of the others. He was hiding the alcohol (he drinks whiskey) outside. I've threatened to leave several times and have even gone to see a lawyer, but then one week he'll admit he has a problem and the next says he doesn't.

I see a counselor that told me I can't monitor another adult, but find it hard to not know if he's been drinking. I have to worry if he drives with my 6 year old daughter or my older boys or even me for that matter. I do check his bottle on occasion and notice he drinks in the middle of the night and in the morning. If I complain he'll just hide it. I'm not sure what to do at this point. The rollercoaster ride is killing me. It's just so strange to me that everything was fine before the firing and the new business (he did admit to having anxiety about going to jobs). I'm worried about codependency and what I should do. I know I can't help him, he has to want to help himself. If anyone else wants to email me my address is JCiotola@gsgcpaonline.com.

Thanks, ~Janet

Hello Janet,

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. There are some things you can be sure of. One of them is that alcoholic lie. Period. I've never met one who didn't. Another is that alcohol is a depressant, and there is no point in taking antidepressants and depressants together. By blaming others he is by definition making himself a victim. If you respond to his cry to be rescued, you enable him to continue his alcohol abuse. You don't help anyone if you become addicted to his care. (codependency)

Safety comes first. If you are out together, you drive and it's non-negotiable until some months have passed after this is all worked out. (His word about his relationship to alcohol is worthless.) He NEVER drives your kids anywhere. The kids are told not to ride with him and they deserve a truthful explanation. To let an alcoholic drive your kids, even if he hasn't had a drink in a week, is child neglect, because you cannot know whether he has had a drink or might have one when he is out with them. This all probably sounds pretty heavy, Janet, but alcoholism and codependency are that way. I go into a lot more detail in the book which should be out in late May. I'll be notifying you.

Neill

my husband of 8 years, is an alcoholic. he admits to it, and says he's not going to quit. when he is sober, he is always apoligizing, but when he drinks, he could care less if i walked out. in fact he instagates arguments, trying to get a rise out of me. I don't want to leave him, because 98% of the time, he is wonderful, and loves me, and treats me great. If I give him an ultimatum, I know he will go get grunk, blame me, then say go ahead he doesn't need me anyway. what's is my problem? Why can't i gather enough strength to leave? i love him to death, and we have so much fun inbetween these times, i forget about the bad times…

 Confused in CA.

Dear Confused in CA,

Of course you love him! He is counting on it (partially unconsciously) to keep the cycle of abuse and apology in place. If you leave him now there will be a lot of heartache. If you put your life on hold for 10 or 15 years and then separate, there will be a lot more heartache all through that waiting period. What’s best for you? Getting a life, and if that means separating, then face the pain and do it. What’s best for him? Your leaving may catch his attention and he may take responsibility for himself (eventually). It sounds like he doesn’t want to be with you, but can’t face the responsibility of initiating a separation. If no one takes action it will only get worse as his alcoholism progresses. Find a good counselor who, without judgment, can help you get some clarity about your life, and then do what you have to do. I feel for what you are going through and wish you the life you deserve.

Neill

Dear Neill,

I found your web site trying to confirm whether or not my husband is an alcoholic. My husband drinks every single day at the same time of day. His personality goes through stages. At the beginning of his drinking 3PM he is usually happy and enthusiastic about life. He comes up with ideas for trips, vacations, purchases etc. Then as time goes on he becomes angry and mean. By 6pm , I am afraid to come home. I have twin 3year olds and a 4 year old. They are now frightened by their dad's evening behavior. They want to spend time with him in the evening but I must keep them away from him for fear that any contact with him will trigger an episode. Nothing I do is right though, If I do not contact him , he will be angry. If I do , he will be angry. We have frequent calls from bill collectors and banks. He always claims they are wrong or just annoying. We live in a big house with a large mortgage. I know nothing about our finances because he keeps me isolated. He won't talk about anything without anger, especially his drinking. He says he drinks for stress, mostly that I cause. I have 3 small children and always believed a family with a mom and dad was the best. I am now wondering whether staying with this man is really beneficial in the end , to the children. The answer seems obvious, but I am still unsure. My husband will not admit his share of the problem. thanks for being there.

karen

I came across your site in search of help.I am a codependant and my husband of almost 20 years is a binge drinker. He has had doctors talk to him about the shape his liver is in for a man his age(41). He has said many times he needs help, but he has made no effort to get help. I have recently decided , once again, to leave him. I have told him before i was leaving, but after tears, promises,begging, and threats, I would always stay. This time I'm looking for an apartment first and moving out while he is at work. It does'nt feel right, almost cowardly, doing that way, but I think once I get out I wont move back in.This will happen in the next 2 weeks or sooner if I can find an apartment I can afford. Any suggestions at all for me.We have no children and he has never hit me. The walls get a beating but as far as me it's verbal abuse and making me feel like I'm a terrible wife.

Dr. Neill,

I have been married 25 years. I had to file for divorce because I could not take the drinking anymore. What I worry about is did I do enough to try to get him help. His excuse to drinking is money situation and stress. Everything seems to be that I am the problem. He has been drinking pretty hard for 6 years now. I have begged for him to get help and he has even quit a couple times, but money situations seems to always be the reason he goes back. I have even tried to get his father to help him but he says he's a grown man and he'll have to make his own decisions. We have a daughter that is 19 and he has even threatened to not have anything to do with her if she shows even the least bit of kindness towards me. I had to have him served with a mental hygiene petition because he stayed drunk for 3 days and urinated himself repeatedly. They picked him up and put him in handcuffs for 5 hours while he sobered up. After 4 hours of sitting there they check is blood alcohol level and it was at 2.86. Of course since he sobered up he was mental able to talk his way out of the petition. But to this day he says that was the turning point in our marriage. The officer told me it would either make him realize he needed help or turn him against me. Well it turned him against me. All his friends he has now are drinkers and they are backing him up and turning on me. Did I do the right thing? Or what would you have done different?

Teresa

Hi Teresa,

From what you say, the only thing you did wrong was wait too long. By waiting and trying to help, you dug yourself in deeper. Alcoholics refuse to take responsibility for themselves; otherwise they wouldn’t be alcoholics. Blaming you for his addiction offloads his responsibility onto you. It never was your fault. It never was your responsibility to get him help; it was always his. And only a truly insensitive boor, and addict or a psychotic would use his child as an instrument to bully his wife. His father is right. Don’t walk, run. And stay away from his poisonous friends. Leave all the negotiating to your lawyer and thereby attempt to maintain your sanity. Your daughter will figure things out. Best wishes in creating a new life for yourself.

Neill

Dr Neill,

My husband admits that he is an alcoholic and tells me he has no intention of cutting back or quitting because he enjoys it. He is not abusive and functions with regards to work and most of his responsibilities. However he starts drinking as soon as he gets home from work and often stays up late. He always seems to get the drunkest at functions in which I attend. He really celebrates my special occasions until he totally ruins it for me. He says he is just having a good time. The past number of occassions he was so drunk he started falling down on the floor. I have tried to talk to him about what this is doing to his health and our family, he just ignores me. He doesn't fight with me, he just gets up and goes to another room. I may be upset about this and later he will go along as if there is nothing wrong, talking as if everything is fine.

I am not a rude person, if someone speaks to me I will answer. He pays no attention to the sadness on my face or in my voice and I feel like I am dying inside. I have become a workaholic in order to avoid social functions. Friends have come to accept that I am very busy and have given up inviting us out. He then says he drinks from boredom because I work too much. He nows goes out a few times with guys from work and that gets me off the hook. I am tried of always being with the drunkest man at a party, but I am also tired of sitting with a drunk man in our home so much. I have been very seriously thinking of leaving lately but I have a couple of reservations. I have worked very hard to get where I am today and at the age of 52, I do not want to start over as I have no retirement pension or medical insurance and he does. Also I am worried on how God looks on divorce. I feel helpless! I would really appreciate any advise you could offer.

I've been with my husband for 3.5 years…there were only about 4-5 days that he didn't drink(before oparation, the visiting of his oder sister whom he hides his drinking behavior from). He loves Vodka, easily finishes 1.5 liter(half gallon) in 2-3 days. He always drinks after work, starts from 5pm until be goes to bed. I DON'T DRINK AT ALL…so, I can see how he changes from time to time during the evening. He denies it all the time and always blames me on everything I do. His father was an alcoholic and died when he was only 55(my husband is 52 now). Actullay, my husband is a very sweet person but everytime he gets drunk, he'll be very angry, nasty and vicious. I didn't know what it was before until 8 months ago. I always thought that because we didn't get along or I didn't do good enough for him. Everybody seemed to know that he was drunk when they talked to him on the phone but I just never thought he was that bad. I start to realize that we have nothing in common, he loves to drink and hangs out at the bar..I can't drink and hate sitting at the bar, he's 52 and he's not gonna change it.Thanks god we don't have kids together. Yes..I'm hopeless and helpless. His family knows about his problem and understands if I'll leave him. I love him very much but I'm SO UNHAPPY. It's getting worse, he just drank up all 2 bottles of 1.5 liter Vodka in 4 days. I hate the weekend because he'll start to drink since 12 or 1 pm and will gets drunk by 6 pm, the nightmare will start from there. He's also very verbal abusive, he doesn't hit me or anything though(i'm sure he's afraid to go to jail). He wouldn't admit that he's an alcoholic, he had got DUI 3 times, he went to rehab once..and he's STILL THE SAME. Please advise..THANK YOU

My dear husband is 39 he is never mean no matter how much he drinks…he isn't even embarassing and doesn't fall down. He goes to work like he is supposed to and always does a project around the house when he gets home. Spends a few moments doing something with the kids and holding me affectionately saying how much he appreciates my love and patience. He drinks at least 12 beers every night, eats like a bird often skipping dinner, and seems to be losing his memory …we never argue about it, because I never say anything..you see, my first husband died of a drug overdose(I have never done drugs) and my 2nd husband died shortly after we divorced…the doctors felt he may have damaged his heart in his binge drinking 20's…I can't face it again…I can't beg someone to stop killing themselves again and I don't want to leave because I love him so..he has 2 kids, I have 2 kids and we have a 6 month old daughter together…he has never, not once in 2 years raised his voice at me or said anything negative or cruel..he admits he has a problem but does not want to go toAA because he feels some members are addicted to meetings and doesn't want to deal with corny chanting and what-not..will he need a doctor's help to quit since he drinks so much? That is a lot isn't it? Thank you

I wrote my first comment back on April 17, 2007. Here is my update: After trying to recruit help from his family with no success, I tried to go to counseling together with him, he made it extremely difficult to the point the counselor only wanted me there. Then I tried to get him to go see a different counselor alone and he made up some excuse about her cursing at him, which was untrue because I called the woman the next day and of course she said it was not true. At times it did seem to be getting better, he was at least working (so I thought). Come to find out he had hired workers and was coming home and paying them to do the work while he drank all day at home alone. He continued to lie to me about drinking during the day by hiding the bottles (I found stashes all over). He would be good for a while and then something would set him off and he would run away to the mountains for days. Finally almost 3 weeks ago he ran off again. He called his workers a few days later and told them he was folding the company. I had to have a few of the jobs he left finished and collect what ever I could. I sent him separation papers the next day. Which he signed because there was a monetary settlement involved. My only issue is that he is telling everyone that the reason we are separated is because I cheated on him - 4 times for that matter, which is an out and out lie. I never came close to cheating on him ever. He also is telling everyone intimate details about our sex life during our marriage trying to persuade them to believe him. We're now separated and he still trying to ruin my life. HELP!!!

Hi Janet,

Congratulations on moving on. When he tells lies about you and tries to ruin your life, take consolation in the fact that all alcoholics lie. Most will recognize that he is not telling the truth. Move as fast as possible to complete a divorce. While you are still married, he will continue to abuse you. When you are divorced, there is little point and he will probably lose interest. If he doesn’t, you have legal remedies. Whatever happens, don’t cave in when he tries to sweet talk you into taking him back. Don’t even let him stay on the couch overnight. You may be tempted, but don’t give in.

Best wishes,

Neill

Dear Dawn,

Your post touched me deeply. I couldn’t answer you right away because I have personally had to face the deaths of a son, three client, an uncle and a close friend in the past 9 months. Your husband sounds like a really good man who for some reason is on a self-destructive path with alcohol. That was my path years ago. I was a good breadwinner, husband and father, but I wouldn’t alive today if I hadn’t stopped drinking. I don’t know what he is keeping buried by drinking; he may not even know.

I didn’t realize till years later that I was burying the pain of being separated from my first two children You said, “I can’t beg someone to stop killing themselves again.” You are absolutely right not to do that; it only makes things worse. But by all means do tell him of your fears and what his drinking is bringing up in you. He cares about you and need to know that. Do your research on treatment options so you have the info at your fingertips if and when he wants to change. He says that some AA members are addicted to meetings. He’s right: some are addicted to meetings and some will be “in recovery” for the rest of their lives. But many people use AA and its principles for short-term help and move on to live fulfilling lives without alcohol. You asked, “…will he need a doctor’s help to quit since he drinks so much?” Your husband may be able to quit on his own. I did; but if I had known what I know now, I wouldn’t have attempted it on my own. There can be very serious symptoms during the detoxification period–sometimes even death–and there is no way to know in advance what any particular person will experience. So medical supevision is the best option. However, quitting and detoxing is just the first step. During the post-acute withdrawal phase, which could last several years, a lot of old baggage will come up. Failure to recognize and deal with the underlying mental health issues, with or without professional help, is a primary cause of relapse into alcoholism. All of these issues are covered in more detail in my forthcoming book, Living With A Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide. I hope this has been of some help.

Love and Blessings,

Neill

I am in love with a fireman… and i know he really loves me too… but I think he is an alcoholic. He denies that he has a problem… but he drinks almost every single day. He comes home from his "part-time" job, usually getting off around 2pm. If he doesnt stop for a drink on the way home, he opens a bottle of wine once he gets home. On good days, he will lay on the couch and watch baseball, finish off a bottle of wine and go to bed. Other days, he is out with his buddies "celebrating". When I expressed my concerns over his drinking, he gets very defensive… denying he is an alcoholic, stating "I hang out with my buddies… it is just what we do." And his tone is telling me to just "drop it".

Every social activity or outing involves stopping for a "cocktail" or having a drink with dinner. He is a wonderful man, caring and loving. He never misses work and is able to function completely in his work environment. He usually cuts back on drinking the day before his firefighter's shift or doesnt drink at all. His drinking is far worse in the summer months when the temptation to be "out" with his buddies is a daily carrot dangled before him. He is inhibited by weather during the winter, and social activities are minimal. Every summer he retreats from me, disappearing for weeks at a time. I think it is because he is hiding his addiction. I've noticed memory losses too. He breaks his promises to call constantly when he is "out" with his buddies. He was involved in 911, but we dont talk about it. I'm worried about him… and I love him, yet I think for my own happiness, I should move on. He has disappeared for over a month this time… and I'm broken-hearted. I dont know if he is okay, or just hiding. My friends think he cheats when he is out drinking, and then he is so consumed with guilt that he cannot face me. The fireman needs saving, but I dont know how to save him. Any advice? Or should I just move on?

Dear Cyn,

Any man who denies heavily and disappears is a very troubled man. And alcohol helps him to further dissociate from reality or whatever else he doesn’t want to face. Whether he is fully addicted to alcohol or not, he is showing all the usual signs of deterioration into alcoholism. There are a few articles on my website in the category “Alcoholism” which you may find helpful. Everything is covered at a deeper level in my ebook, LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC – A WOMAN’S SURVIVAL GUIDE. It will be available for sale on my website about September 15, or sooner if you are on my Newsletter list. I’m sure this is tearing you up, Cyn, and eventually you may decide to leave because you can’t accept living with an alcoholic. I suggest you continue to educate yourself about alcoholism and what you as his partner should do and not do, whether you are still there or have moved on. I hope this is of some help.

Blessings,

Neill

I am a mother of three children under 7 and one of my children is a very well managed type 1 diabetic. My life is complex and I know my lawyer/husband is a functioning alcoholic. What I have recently discovered is how stupid I have been. For years he convinced me he didn't get drunk, but BUZZED. Now that I have snapped out of denial I am proud to say "there is no difference between buzzed for hours and being drunk". Now I am building my own life with our children and forgeting his chaos. The loss of our family, but now my children will have a choice of how to live.

Dear Dr. Neill Neill,

My heart goes out to you for being such a giving and supportive individual to all the people who have written to you this year. I am sure your comments have lifted many of them and I was happy to read that Gerald has had some success with his wife. It saddens me to hear there are so many men/women with this disease. All the best to you and yours. The world needs more caring individuals like yourself.

I've been with a wonderful man for the last 3 years. He's definitely an alcoholic, but is never abusive or violent. He drinks beer, liquor and wine daily. He is divorced and has a 10 year old daughter who is with him every other weekend and one night per week. I am not much of a drinker, but will have a glass of wine or a cocktail in a social setting. His father is an alcoholic, and his mother drinks, too, but I don't think she's a problem drinker. The problem with him is his emotional distance. One minute I'm the love of his life and the next, he wants space. He's admitted repeatedly that he has a "bad habit" and that he needs to cut back, but never seems to do it. Recently, his daugther has started displaying signs that she doesn't want to spend time with him (crying, wanting to call her mom several times a day, telling me confidentially that he acts "weird"). All his friends are heavy drinkers, and one in particular is one paycheck away from living on the streets. He has no structure in his life to support him should he decide to stop drinking. About a month ago, he went 13 days without a drink (on his own), caved in, and then went another 8 days. He recently ended our relationship - which may be a blessing in disguise, I suppose - but I don't understand it. He claims to love me, has acknowledged many times that I'm the only non-drinking person in his life and that I'm so supportive. So what gives? I've heard from a close friend ours that since our break-up he's been drinking heavily with one of buddies. Should I simply walk (or run!) away, or should I try to offer support in the capacity of a concerned friend?

I divorced a man who had drank for 20+ yrs. I was dumb anough to think having a family would make him stop. It didn't….he went to the bar 5 days/week. Made promises he didn't keep, and after 3 yrs. of being divorced he continues to drink. Only now it's 6, sometimes 7 days a week. He's had 2 DUI's which did not affect his alcohol abuse. I wish there were a 'magic cure' for alcoholism.

My husband has been a functional alcoholic for at least 20 years. He's had more than one doctor tell him to quit drinking, although no medical problem has resulted from his drinking (so far). He drinks whiskey daily, most of the times until he passes out. He also has a shot (or two) in the morning on weekends. If he wakes up in the middle of the night and can't sleep, he has a couple of drinks, and this morning, in fact, he was drunk at 6:30 AM when my son and I got up, and had to call out of work. I "disassociated" myself from his drinking years ago (when I stopped drinking myself). However, my problem is my two children. I have a 17 year old son we just discovered is smoking pot regularly, and a 15 year old daughter who hates my husband's drinking, and has hidden and dumped out his cache. We're starting family counselling this week for my son's issues, but I know my husband's addiction will surface (how could it not?). I'm just hopeful he will stay with it, but I have my doubts……. I just wanted to let you know your "test" was right on. I've read a lot about this over the years, so nothing was a surprise to me, but he sure fit the profile. I hope I'm not enabling him, I try to be aware of it. I do cover all the kids evening activities because he can't drive, but other than that I don't even bring up his drinking anymore because there doesn't seem to be a reason to fight about something only he can decide to change. Thanks for listening.

I found you through an internet search. I was searching for some guidance to tell me whether or not I am an Alcoholic. I figure I am; and pretty much knew I was from long ago. I am a 36 year old single parent of two wonderful and successful children; girls the both of them. They have developed into strong, smart, self determined, and unique individuals of the age of 13 and 14. I am their best friend without a doubt, but as a human being and father I feel less than adequate.

I drink daily to the point of "numbness," physically or perhaps more importantly physiologically. As an individual I suffer some medical consequences some or none of which may be related. I am a diabetic at the age of 36 an have high blood pressure; apparently no high cholesterol. I exercise every day walking 8.5km a day and 7 days a week to mitigate the health issues associated with my physical problems.

I haven't told my doctor of my drinking problem mostly due to the shame I feel associated with it. I'm curious if my drinking has much to do with my health problems or if that is just a result of my family history associated with it. I diet religiously and exercise religiously, though I continue to consume on average 800 calories worth of alcohol a day. I've lost over 60lbs of weight in the last 2 years despite my unhealthy practice of drinking nearly daily. I'm religious in my diet and exercise routines; how is my lack of transparency affecting my health and my doctors ability to diagnose and treat me? Any information would be appreciated.

Casey-
I have noticed the same behavioral changes after one drink. My husband thinks I am crazy, but there is a marked difference. I have left my husband with my four month-old, because I was scared of his actions. I can still see the man behind the disease though and am wondering if its foolish to hope he will change?

MY NAME IS JACKIE AND I AM MARRIED TO A WONDERFUL MAN. HE IS A SCHOOL TEACHER AND A COACH, VERY SUCCESSFUL. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 4 MONTHS. DATING, WE WOULD SIT BY THE POOL AND DRANK. BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED I NOTICED THAT HE WOULD DRINK ALONE AT HIS HOUSE, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD A PROBLEM AND HE SAID NO. IT IS BEGINNING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR ME. HE RARELY DRANKS THROUGH THE WEEK AND IF HE DOES ITS 4-6 BEERS. ON THE WEEKENDS IF WE HAVE NO PLANS HE SITS IN HIS RECLINER, READS THE PAPER, WATCHES TV, AND DRINKS HIS BEER (USUALLY AROUND 15). THE PROBLEM I AM HAVING IS THIS: NO MATTER HOW MANY HE HAS HE WETS THE BED, THIS IS VERY FRUSTRATING. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, I HAVE TALKED WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY ABOUT THIS, AS WELL AS HIM. I AM NOT SURE IF HE IS AN ACOHOLIC, BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER BEEN AROUND ONE. BEFORE I MET HIM, I WOULD GO OUT TO BARS WITH THE GIRLS AND GET DRUNK. WHY IS IT SOOO HARD FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE DOES THIS. HE DOESNT GO TO BARS, DOESNT HIDE DRINKING FROM ME, AND ISNT ABUSIVE. PLEASE ADVISE - I DONT WANT OUR MARRIAGE TO END…

Hi Jackie,
First of all he should go to his doctor and be checked for any physical problem–prostate, bladder, diabetes, etc. If all is clear there, the bed wetting may be psychological in origin.

Regardless, it sounds like he is alcohol dependent, that is, he is an alcoholic. The reason for his alcohol abuse may be to avoid facing the same past events that are leading to his bed wetting. So my second recommendation is that you both stop drinking completely for at least 5 months and see what happens. If he can get some good psychotherapy too, that would be even better.

A good marriage is worth fighting for.

Love and blessings,
Neill

My boyfriend and i have been together for almost four years. I have a eight yr. old son that just adores him the problem is my boyfriend drinks every night. on the weekdays he will have 6 to 8 beers, on the weekends he will go through 12 or more a day. Every night he falls asleep on the couch around 8 or 9. i am having a really hard time telling if he has an alcohol problem because he does go to work and is doing a great job, he also comes home and helps clean on occasion. I am just concerned because my son is starting to make comments about his drinking and says all he does while i am not home is drink and not play with him and is always sleeping. i have also caught my boyfriend a few times waking up at 1am and peeing in the garbage can (on those nights when he has 12 or more beers) please i need to know what you make of all of this. I have no idea if he really is a functioning alcoholic or not. I need to know for me and my son.

Dear Kim,
My heart goes out to you. There is little doubt that your boyfriend is an alcoholic. He may be still functioning at work, but he is past functioning at home and without a change, he won’t last. It is a slow way to die. There are a lot of things in my book that will help you to help him, while still looking after yourself and your son.

Neill

I lived with an alcoholic for 3 years. He lost his job 3 months ago and seems perfectly happy to sit home all day, drink an 18 pack and not try to find a job. All of his unemployment is spent on cigarettes and beer. He has not given me any money towards bills. I work 4 jobs and have two small children 9 and 7. He told me the other night I shouldn't buy things for my children. I blew and told him to get out. He can spend 40 a day on cigarettes and beer and I don't drink and the bills are paid by me and I'm not supposed to buy my children things! I don't think so. I asked him to choose between the beer and me. Surprise, he chose the beer. I hope he's happy with her, hope she pays his bills for him. Chalk another relationship destroyed up to alcoholism.

I have been married for almost 10 years. My husbands drinking has been a problem for at least 3-4 years. I have confronted him several times and he is currently doing the right thing. I have prayed a lot about it. He is a good father as far as playing with our 7 and 5 year. He helps with them in all ways, including shower time, eating, etc. He tries to quit drinking and has been successful in about two week increments as far as I know. In the past, I was ready to leave him but now am a bit more relaxed about it. Currently, if his alcoholism is not affecting the kids and I, I feel unjustified for leaving him. We are doing good at this moment. But just a little over a week ago, I left the house and came back unexpectedly. He had a drink fixed and poured it out when he knew I found it. I have become so calm about it. I just keep telling him that he should remember that he is responsible for his drinking, NOT ME, and that eventually it will reach the bad point again (driving around for hours after work, yelling at myself and the kids over little things, being disrespectful) but do I wait until the next time he messes up. How do I determine when enough is enough? He recently started Paxil as prescribed by his doctor to assist with him to stop drinking. He took it over the Thanksgiving holiday and it made him lie around and sleep the whole time. What do I do?

Also, when he is not drinking, I love to be around him. I still love him.

I think the term "functional alcoholism" is amazing. As an aspiring alcoholic I think the issue truly lies in sobriety. If people would spend a little more time making the sober world better, we would spend more time in it.

Hi Jesse,
You are one of the “people” and you are already making the word better through your amazing artwork. So lets together do our bit to make the world better. I would invite you simply to be more conscious of your gifts; and that may mean sobriety or significant periods of sobriety.

Best wishes,
Neill

My exhusband is a functioning alcoholic. We were married 20 years before he left me. He is rarely visably drunk, but can't go for more that 4 hours without a drink and drinks himself to sleep every night. At time of divorce he was charging about $250 a month at the liquor store. That didn't include cash and what he spend at bars. He says he needs a drink just to be able to act "normal'. When I asked him to cut back, he hid it in the garage. The problem is that he now has joint custody of our now 10 yr. old girl. I voiced my concerns about his drinking at our divorce hearings, but lawyer said with no DUI's or proof (other than credit card bills) I didn't have a case. He is not supposed to drink 24hrs prior or while he has custody of our child.

Our daughter says he drinks while he has her, but I don't know how to prove it. She is terrified to spend the night with him and cries hystericaly if he tries to make her. Right now, he is not "forcing" her to spend the night, but he hints that it is his right and one day she will HAVE to stay over. She knows from experience she may not be able to wake him in the night if she has a problem. He uses the fact that he could "force" her to spend the night and is not doing so to intimidate me. I don't want to keep our daughter from him, but I DO want him to be responsible and sober when he has her. What should I do? I don't have money to hire a lawyer, nor do I have the proof for a case…yet. In the mean time, our daughter is being traumatized by the thought that she may be forced to spend the night with her alcoholic father. Thank you.

my boyfriend drinks from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed (at least 12 a day ) but almost always more than that ! he is never mean abusive or anything like that, he helps with the house chores and attends school functions with me for my 2 children ,never slurs stumbles around or wets the bed, he and i are not working i recently had surgery and he recently was fired (unclear of reason why) I just found out this time ariund he had been to rehab prior to our meeting my son admires him for who he is w/o the drinking (he is 14) my 12 yr old daughter and he tangle all the time she says he is weird. he and i are both 43 yrs old theres alot to this way to much to carry on . i loved him in the past with all my heart now somewhere in my heart i am trying to find where and why i do love him money and jobs are scarce but when there is a few dollers he does bring home bread milk etc. but there is always THE BEER for 6 months now i have never seen him drink anything not even water just beer and an occasional jack daniels shot even when he takes his "HAVE TO TYLONOL PM " to sleep he drinks beer to wash it down. he goes nowhere with friends at all only to events we ask him to most of the time then its straight to the fridge with shaky hands hes a heavy smoker too He is a gourgeous man and im watching him crumble in size skinny skinny legs belly getting bigger and bigger I could go on but i think you all are getting the picture here . We dated 3 months I was totally in love scared but totally in love (not scared of the drinking because i didnt know then but scared of the feeling of what was happening to me ) then out of the blue he sent a txt just want to be single .hope you understand ! i was devastated I lost a good position at work for failure to show ,I lost interest in my kids and myself i lost 30 pds — then outof the blue again a friend calls and says there is a problem with him and i go to him seriously though I think if i had went or anyone had of went a day let alone an hour hed of been dead I took him under my wing and brought him out of it except for the drinking he has his rental house rent 3 months late a nice truck 3 payments late staying with me (long story ) i seem to not be able to stop but truth is I love the man I first meet although he broke my heart to pieces I love him now but just not the same , I am afraid to tell him to go home although the hints are there be it my friends family or my daughter I think what if he does commit suicide - by the way did i mentoin he brought guns to our home - Am I afraid ? HELL YES !!!!! But part of my heart loves him so much !!!! i cant sleep and am afraid to leave him with my children especially my daughter (remember shes says he is weird and strange )even though i feel and trust in my heart and soul hed never harm my beautiful baby — WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?! did i mentoin he eats like a bird , sometimes does not shower for 3 days and to brush his teeth maybe 4 days w/o ,he use to smell so good now its hard to sit near him . I go in for lung testing soon he knows and still smokes in our home Remember I LOVE HIM —-Please help me lofe is short i know and i am doing this fast as i can type he just sent me a txt he is on his way to try to see about his income tax - and the money and the beer are all gone

Hi CC,
I have no doubt you love this man. The problem is that loving someone does not mean you can live with him. He is an alcoholic on a self-destructive path and there is nothing YOU can do about it. Your choice is between going down that path with him or leaving him and deciding for yourself and your kids that you want to live. I know this is harsh, but reality is sometimes harsh.

Whatever you decide, you have my best wishes.
Neill

Hi. I was wondering if you could advise me. I live with my long term partner of 15 years. I am concerned about his drinking habits. He has drunk steadily all the time I have known him, mainly lager maybe two - four cans daily. Usually when he has done a 12 hour shift at work. Is this quite normal ? He sometimes works nights and does not drink at all when he does nights so I do know he does not need to drink but I worry he drinks too much. He is normally fit and well in himself and is never violent or aggresive in drink. He is a loving father and a kind and generous man. Is this about a normal intake of alcohol?

Hi Jo,
 Your partner sounds like a really good man. The drinking pattern you describe is on the high side of healthy but may be OK for him. The problem is that it is a habit, and habits can become obsessive and can turn into an addiction with all the related health and social consequences. It’s often a long slow process.

The only real way he can know for sure that he isn’t headed that way is to quit drinking completely for a few months, say five months, and see how he is with it. He will learn a lot about himself in the process. He may or may not resume drinking his beer after the five months, but I’ll bet it will be at a reduced level if he does.

My best wishes to you both.

My husband has admitted that he may have a problem. It's not as bad as it was years ago- but he a completely different person when he drinks. The beer cans he actually tossed out (I'm imagining there are more because he hides the cans throughout the house)totalled the equivalant of more than 3 cases in the span of 3-4 weeks. This is just from home- no social drinking. He hides his drinking and when I call him on it, he says he hides it because he doesn't want to hear about it from me. He's never physically abused me, he holds down a job- never calling in sick (though some days he smells so bad theat he probably should) he doesn't drive drunk. So is this a functional alcoholic? I don't want to believe it because I would like us to be a normal couple that can go out and have a couple of drinks at dinner or socially- he handles that great, but the home drinking is a different story. We have an 18 month-old daughter and I'm afraid that she will learn that Daddy acts different when he smells funny. I've put numbers for help right in front of him and yet he refuses to call.

I have been married to my husband for 19yrs. We have 3 teenaged sons. My husband DOES NOT admit that he has a drinking problem. However, I have a problem with his drinking and so do our sons, his parents, his siblins, my family, some friends, etc. He has had one DUI two years ago. He was supposed to refrain from alcohol for 1yr but hasn't. Can you tell me if you think he has a problem?

I am pretty sure my husband is a "functioning alcoholic". He drinks at least a six pack a night and spends most of his time alone in the garage. We have two children together a 5 month girl and a 9 yr old boy. He spends very little time with them and even less time with me. I guess I make excuses for him to other people who do not know him, but I am very blunt with him. I have had to resort to telling him that he either quits the drinking or he loses his family. I am not sure what else to do….He is now very defensive and pouts the whole time he is home, he has been "sober" for three days now. I am so scared of what else to do, I cannot leave our children with him becuase he drinks so heavily he forgets about them. I had to beg him to not drink so I could attend my orientation for college. Am I doing the right thing??? Or should I just leave him???

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married almost 10. We lost a daugther due to prematurity 9 years ago. We have another daughter that was also premature and she will be 9 this summer. She has cerebral palsy and is totally dependent on us. She is a very happy little girl.

My husband has drank ever since he was 13 years old. He is definitely an alcoholic. He doesn't miss work for it, but he drinks beer every single day after work. He tends to drink more on weekends. He usually drinks at home, but he never wants to go with me and my daughter when I take her swimming or do anything with us like that. He would rather go to a bar for a drink until we come back home. My daughter requires us to feed her via g-tube. I usually do all of her feeding and when I ask him to do it he says "Why can't you?" He is pretty much lazy when he is at home. I also work full-time and do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. at home.

I am getting pretty tired of it. I am getting ready to tell him "it's either his daughter and me or his booze." I really feel alone. My family is starting to hate him. He makes people feel uncomfortable when they come over. He is very demeaning and can be very rude when he has been drinking. His body odor is not that pleasant either. We don't sleep in the same bedroom anymore. He has his own room and my daughter and I have our own as well. I am really needing some help here. What would be the best way to approach this situation. My daughter requires a lot of attention and it seems like I am her sole caregiver. She definitely favors me versus her father. HELP, DESPERATE IN GREELEY!

I am in a similar situation where my husband is a good, kind and generous person, but had behaviors that made me nervous and seem unhealthy. It used to be that he had a drink every night, sometimes fell asleep with the drink in his hand. At some point I let him know that it was bothering me, then one day I found dozens of empty bottles hidden in his clothes closet. He has sought counseling but still I continue to find hidden bottles or carefully emptied beer cans placed among the full ones in a case after a house party. He seems normal most of the time, takes care of our kids and is a great dad, but I am tired of being lied to. He doesn't seem to have the sloppy drunk behaviors, but I can't live with the hiding. I feel angry about this, and scared b/c I don't want our family to go through pain or break up.

I think my husband is an alcoholic. Over the last 5 months he has gone from one beer to several beers. He drinks during the daytime and even forgets to pick up the children from school because he's drunk. Lately he's become violent. He's hit me on several occasions and the last time I had to go to the hospital due to bruising and a bite mark that is now a scar on my face. He says he's sorry and he's stressed out. He ignores our children and he seems very possesive lately. He's a wonderful man when he isn't drinking but now he's always drinking. I dont feel safe anymore when hes drinking and no matter what i say to him while hes drunk he turns it negative and becomes confrontational. I dont want to end my marriage but I'm afraid he will only get more violent. Can I fix this and save our marriage?

I am very disappointed by your questionnaire, especially with regards to questions 1, 2, 5 & 7 — I have answered yes to all the other questions, but not to those. If most alcoholics admitted that they have a drinking problem and sought help for it, that would be half the problem solved. My husband has never admitted he has a problem. And as far as questions 5 & 7: if the quotes he "often has a drink in the morning" and "lost days at work or school because of drinking" were true, he would not (in my opinion) be a true functioning alcoholic. The point is, and why no one else really knows the truth, is because he functions normally during the day and never misses work (or is even late for work) because of his drinking, nor does he drink and drive (thank God) — these are the things that make him a functioning alcoholic. I was really hopeful that this would be a good questionnaire, leading to some true answers and help, but it's not. I will try to seek help elsewhere.

Sylvia –

My heart goes out to you. It's bad enough to deal with an alcoholic husband, but you have so much to deal with with respect to your daughter. I am not a professional and I don't know your whole situation, but if your husband doesn't get help AND if he's at all abuse towards you or your daughter, you would be better off without him. I know how hard leaving is. Because of my circumstances, I cannot leave my husband, but if I could, I would. You are not alone. You and your daughter deserve to have a life, a good life. I wish you and your daughter all the best.

Take care

Hi Sylvia,
I can’t say it better than Samantha says it. You don’t deserve this. You deserve a better life than you describe.You took the first action of writing your comment/ question. what will be your next step?
Neill

Hi Samantha,
Thank you for your comments. The questions about whether or not your husband is a functioning alcoholic are merely areas to look at to see if any of them apply to your situation. They don’t all have to.

The fact is that all of the items relate in one way or another to alcoholism. Notice I said "alcoholism," not "functioning alcoholism." I’m not sure there is any such animal as a "true functioning alcoholic," but there certainly are alcoholics and your husband may be one.

Your husband may function at work and not drink and drive,(that’s the way I was) but your words suggest he is not functioning as a marriage partner. You might read my article about whether there Is there any such thing as a "functioning alcoholic" Does anyone else want to weigh in on this discussion?

Neill

My husband is a "functioning alcoholic" he and I both know it. I am a hugh co-dependent. He goes to work everyday- drinks everyday after work…beers at home…"watching the game." On weekends he super iduldges- drunk Friday - Sunday night!! We have 4 children in the home- and I react negatively to his drinking- and I feel guilty because the kids always see me yelling and saying mean things to him. The kids don't realize that mama is the one providing all care for them because daddy is too drunk and in-attentive to his children, so therefore I look like a big meany. On weeknights he is mostly in the garage- the "devils dungeon" as I call it, doing his drinking. ocassionally we have hugh blow out fights, and it is usually when I can't take enough. Like when I find him sleeping on the toilet, or he has drunk himself to such a stuper at a gathering he sleeps in the car because I can't carry him in the house as well as the 4 children. Financially we can't afford for him to drink. He will overdraw the bank account for a 12 pack. He knows he is a alcoholic, he laughs it off and says well my daddy is too. He thinks that divorce is out of the question, because his mother is still married to her alcoholic. I need a way out. i want my family and marriage to work. But my husband doesn't want help= he says he was like that when i met him 13 years ago and he is who he is and he doesn't need to change.

I just stumbled upon this website today - my first hit after entering 'marriage alcoholic' on google.

I came home last night to yet another evening of my husband consuming wine on the couch. At 11:30 at night I heard him open up another bottle. At 1:30 I was awakened by some noise he made. When I went to see him (I don't always, but did this time) I found him in a very drunken state. I know it is severe with anyone when they seemed to be completely off in another world, their eyes don't focus and they have a particular look on their face. It's difficult to describe, but I am sure many would know what I meant when they saw it - not in reality, dazed, almost another individual.

To me, a person reaching this state is extreme and serious. My husband has drank since before we got married 21 years ago. He has gone through various periods where it hasn't seemed to be an issue at all to almost splitting our marriage last year. I am very interested in pursuing the approach indicated on this website where I focus on the relationship and being healthy myself. Everything that happens in our lifes offers us opportunity to learn about ourselves. I find this situation brings up a lot of fear in me and I worry a lot.

I worry about my safety, whether the house will burn down because he lit a candle and left it, whether he will hurt himself while intoxicated, whether he will have a short life due to illness because of this, my children and what they see (which at this point luckily hasn't been anything to the extreme I mentioned earlier). I find the approach I want to take is to just leave…run and leave. I have a thought that it will be easier on my own and not living in such a stressful environment will be easier. Yet, on the other hand, it's not what I really want which is a healthy environment, happiness and more health! How do I manage these struggling thoughts? Of course with them, the relationship suffers because I have a lack of trust and also distract myself by keeping busy and doing other things - however, that doesn't get rid of the problem and it's always still on my mind. Any advise on first steps you have would be appreciated. Oh, we have been in counselling a few times in our years together, however we have never focused specifically on the alcohol problem - which really is the underlying biggest issue.

Dear Dr. Neill,

I have taken the alcoholism test and my answers are as follows.

1. The word functional comes up by wife on a regular basis and this is supposed to be o.k.
2. She has never sought help and is in total denial.
3. I go to Al-Anon and a psychologist that helps people living with alcoholism.
4. My wifes father was a heavy drinker but her brother is an alcoholic.
5. My wife gets drunk without knowing it and denies she is drunk and tells me she is really tired.
6. I have discovered 2 stashes in the house and since going to Al-Anon I don't even look anymore.
7. We have marital problems with my wifes drinking being the contributing factor.
8. My wife does not say she needs a drink when under stress but always reaches for a drink when stress is there.
9. Always drinks after a quarell and blames me.
10. I have threatened to move out, divorce, …….
11. I feel very alone and anxious and don't see a lot of hope.

I am doing the best I can and have learned very good coping skills however it is not easy. This is the biggest challenge of my life and I am trying to concentrate on myself but it is difficult as I live with my wifes alcoholism every day. My wife drinks 1-1.5 or more litres of wine viturally every day with some days being 500-ml. to 600-ml. on the good days.
I am a male and have 2 children aged 11 and 14 and my wife is a stay at home mother. I am 50 years old and the laws in the Province of Ontario make it very difficult for me to get custody of my children and my wife plays a very good game with people as far as hiding her alcoholism.
I live one day at a time and pray that things get better.

Glen

It kinda sounds like my husband. We have 1 son that is 3 and a baby girl on the way. He doesnt go out a lot but he drinks by himself or has an excuse if he didnt come home from work that the guys from work pressured him. Its a sad thing because i feel like what am i doing wrong and im his wife not them and they know hes had a few drinks what kind of friends are these to let him get behind the wheel. When we use to go out together he would actually try and start fights. I look at him as a binge drinker which sometimes can be really bad you never know what to expect when you know there going to drink. They say things they would never say if they were sober and make so many excuses for why they drink. Keep your head up if you love him sometimes its better to show tough love its hard but im sure your a bright person and if you delt with this you can get through anything.

My husband is 40 years old and been drinking heavily for most of his life(since about 15), He doesn't always drink everday, but usually 24-35 beers at a time, atleast 3-4 times a week. I am in the nursing profession and I know how hard this kind of drinking is on a person.
I know my husband is an alcoholic, and I think he knows it too, but he has made several comments in the past about having no intention on quitting.
I have a 10yr old and we have 5 yr/o twins together and they are already showing signs of co-dependancy and feeling they need to take care of Daddy.(wake him up, if he passes out, help him to bed, etc)
His attitude towards me is tolerant at best, when he's sober, it's almost worse, he is anxious and can be very innapropriate, and degrading.
I am financially, unable to leave,(he drinks all the money) The dredded payday.
I need some help learning how to cope, and not enable while I live here, he wears me out…….
This deeply saddens me.

Dear Samantha,

I had not forgotten you. With my son dying this spring from heart failure as a result of drug and alcohol abuse, I have neglected a lot of things. Sorry.

I have frequently seen adults in my practice that tell me that they remember when they were 10 praying every night that mom would leave dad because of his drinking. They come to see me to deal with their anger about why their parents stayed together until the kids were grown up.

Be careful what you model for your children. You both made a commitment when you married. He no longer honors his. Would you want your daughter or son to stay in a marriage no matter how bad, or would you want them after serious attempts to make it work, to seek a happier, more meaningful life apart?

You have some tough choices to make.

I understand your sadness.

Neill

PS: If you haven't already done so, read my book. It could help you gain some clarity.

Dear Glen,

In the turmoil and heartache of losing a son to drug and alcohol abuse this spring, I missed your letter (and a lot of other things.) I'm sorry.

You have children, so please read my response to Samantha above.

I know male custody is difficult in Ontario, but not impossible. My two divorces were in Ontario. Then I met Eileen and we have been together for 30 years and going strong.

It's not easy to figure out what's right, so just hold a strong intention to do what is right and take action. The future is never knowable in the midst of change.

I hope to be posting an article on personal change on my other website, http://www.neillneill.com in the next couple of days. You might find it interesting.

you have my very best wishes through this difficult time.

Neill

Hi!

I believe my husband is an alcoholic. He says he is not, but he gets drunk almost every night. He doesn't just have a few drinks, he gets drunk.

Right now it is 11:00p.m and he is on his way to work, and he is very drunk. The problem is he is a truck driver, so he is putting his life and others at risk. I will not sleep for fear of getting a call from the police saying he is arrested or dead.

When he gets this way his personality changes. He acts crazy. It is only getting worse, and he has put me through so much this year. Alot of verbal abuse and on some cases physical abuse. I can live with it, and be ok but the problem is my kids. I have two children, and I have to keep there best interest at heart. I am not sure to wether the best thing for them is to stay in this situation, or to remove them from it.

How do you know when to leave for your childrens benefit?

Dear Scantey, The violence has already escalated from verbal to physical. His personality changes. You are in danger. Get out. Your children need (a) a mother who is alive and (b) a mother who models self care. When your kids are grown up and your daughter gets into a relationship where her life in real danger from her partner, would you want her to stay with him no matter what, "until death do us part?" If not, then don't model it. Get some professional help. Chapter 24 in my book is "When to Pull the Plug on an Alcoholic Marriage."