National Recovery Month: Is There Help for My Alcoholic Partner?
The following is an interview I participated in on IdeaMarketers.com for National Recovery Month.
September is National Recovery Month. A month dedicated to the message that recovery from alcohol or drug abuse is possible. There are many people who live with the secret that they have an alcoholic in their family. These same people struggle with questions on what they can do to help their partner and family.
In recognition of National Recovery Month, Dr. Neill Neill has submitted his responses to common questions partners may have in regard to an alcohol problem in their family. Dr. Neill Neill is an alcoholism expert. He is a psychologist, columnist and author, who maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice in Qualicum Beach, BC, Canada. He is consulting psychologist to a private addiction rehab facility for men. A significant part of Dr. Neill’s practice is with individuals and families touched by alcohol and drug abuse.
Question: You use the term "functioning alcoholic." What does that term mean, and how does a "functioning alcoholic" differ from an "alcoholic?"
Answer: What I say applies just as well to women as men. I will use the male version in my answer, because I work with male alcoholics.
An alcoholic is someone who is alcohol-dependent, that is, he has a compulsive need to seek and drink alcohol. "Functioning alcoholic" is the term the alcoholic typically uses to describe himself, so as to say that he is still able to function in life. He narrows his definition of "alcoholic" to the drunk at the homeless shelter. The high-functioning alcoholic may be successfully employed, married and supporting children. At the lower end of "functioning," he could be getting by at work, but privately abusing his wife, neglecting his children and slowly dying of liver disease.
As listed in my book, if the self-abuse is serious enough to do any of the following,
- putting his health at risk, or
- subjecting his family to abuse or neglect or
- being unable to work
then he is not "functioning."
That’s the bar I set for myself years ago as I overcame my own alcohol dependence.
Many alcoholics use the fact that they are able to hold a job or run a business to convince themselves there is no problem. They also use it to justify their alcoholism to others, especially their families.
Any alcoholic, functioning or not, may need help to find a less self-destructive route to meaning and happiness in life.
Question: Spouses/partners are usually the ones who notice their significant other may have an alcohol problem. Are there specific symptoms of alcohol dependence? If so, what are a few?
Answer: There are many clues to alcohol dependence, but here are a few. He sometimes questions his level of drinking. He drinks by himself. He drinks in the morning. He gets drunk without meaning to. His personality changes when he is drinking. On the subject of his drinking, he lies, minimizes and denies, sometimes without any awareness he is doing it (alcohol affects/damages the brain). He has memory blackouts. He becomes angry and defensive about his drinking. He has lost friends over it. He has driven his car after drinking. He asks his wife to call in to his work because he has the flu, but she knows he just has a hangover. He blames others, especially his wife, for his drinking.
Question: Once a person has been diagnosed with alcohol dependence, what is the next step for the spouse/partner and her family?
Answer: Once she concludes her partner has an alcohol problem (see Alcoholism Test), she needs to protect herself from buying into his alcoholism. She should refuse to "keep family secrets" and encourage her kids to be open as well. This includes keeping the family doctor, minister and friends informed and up to date. To keep perspective, she is best to maintain her own friendships and outside interests. Self-care is critical.
This is also the time for her to educate herself on alcoholism and its treatment. When the day comes that he decides he needs to change, she is ready with the options and the phone numbers.
The hope is that he decides there is a next step while the marriage is still intact.
My premise in what I have said is that she is safe. If there is verbal violence, it likely will escalate to physical violence. The physical violence often starts with punching walls smashing things, before it escalates to violence against her. If there is escalating verbal violence, she is not safe. Period! A woman killed at the hands of her spouse probably believed she could handle him. An intoxicated violent man may be too much for even four police officers to handle. If she is unsafe she should take careful steps to preserve her safety.
Question: Dr. Neill, September is National Recovery Month. A month dedicated to the message that recovery from alcohol and drug use disorders is possible. What would be your advice to a spouse/partner who is trying to help their significant other begin recovery? Is there hope?
Answer: There is always hope. No one, not the one who is alcohol dependent or the partner, has to be a victim of alcohol, because there is always choice.
So…to you the spouse/partner of someone with a drinking or drug problem:
- Put self-care first, that is, look after yourself.
- Always remember you didn’t cause this.
- Tell your addicted spouse (when he is sober) how you think and feel about the substance abuse and its effects on you and the children.
- Tell your family doctor and minister what’s happening.
- Do your research and have the phone numbers of help agencies handy for the time your partner admits there is a problem or might need help. You cannot be the therapist.
- Although you may hope it never becomes necessary, plan and be prepared to leave if you are not safe.
Never give up on life.
Dr. Neill Neill can be contacted at neill@neillneill.com.
Interview Conducted by:
Luanna Rodham
Luanna is a Virtual Assistant and Staff Editor for IdeaMarketers. She helps small business owners save their precious time by taking care of the basic needs they have to keep their businesses up and running.
Filed under Addiction Recovery, Alcoholism and Marriage by Dr. Neill Neill
Comments on National Recovery Month: Is There Help for My Alcoholic Partner? »
karen @ 4:53 pm
We have split up, but he has kept me waiting because he has said he still loves me and the kids and wants us back.
I have had loads of worries and responsibilites, bills, roof over our head, when to me he has just disappeared away from everything. Then he admits he is an acoholic and for the year he has been away has kept a driving job down and every night been on the drink. He has also let me and the kids down. You know he was to have the kids, but instead went on the drink, should have seen his child in a show, but couldnt make it. Always blames me for drinking because of the arguing, I make him want to drink. Takes no responsibility in my eyes for the mess he has caused.
I couldnt stand living with a drunk. He even slept in his own sick on the kitchen floor. I find it all disgusting and hate what he has done to me and the kids, to our family.
Now about a week later he is not an alcoholic and he has at the moment given up the drink, his body doesnt depend on the drink, you know he doesnt shake or need a drink in the morning. But he is saying he will drink when he wants because he aint got a drink problem…
I dont know what to do anymore. At the moment I have said until he sorts he life out, just go away from me and the kids, because all he does is let us down and blames us. I cant help him if he cant help himself. I really have had enough and have now given up on him. He blames me for not seeing his kids, but I can’t hand them over to him. What should I do for the best? I dont want to argue. I want to be happy. I want to move on. Please help.
Karen and her two kids
Dr. Neill Neill @ 8:36 am
Dear Karen,
You have a right to be happy. I can’t know for sure if this applies to you, of course, but marriages sometimes reach a point where they are not fixable. Can hate and blame be turned into liking and taking full personal responsibility?
The chances are high that he won’t change if you stay together. And the clock is ticking regarding how much emotional damage the kids have already suffered from their parents’ fighting. They deserve better, and there is more urgency with children because they grow up so fast.
You have some tough choices to make. You can do it.
Sorry for your anguish.
Neill
shaz @ 1:00 am
Hello Dr Neill and Karen,
Just thought I would check in and fill in my mates on how things are for me. If you look back at my prior entries you will notice me going through this change. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. I cant believe I left him and moved to another state, changed jobs moved my kids and found myself somewhere to live. I had been married for 10 years and been with him for 10, there were some good times earlier, but mostly these were when we were out drinking together. Then slowly things changed and one day his drinking starts to become a problem and I can start to write a book on all the crappy days I am having due to his drinking. He started to blame me, accused me of being a whinger, a liar and told me to f off and go upstairs and sits downstair and keeps drinking and not helping with the house or kids, doesnt help with the bills and changes into a different person each night. Only through this website did I realise that I am living the life of problems when you stay with an alcoholic, and even though you hope and deny there is a problem you only delay the inevitable because only a few ever stop. Things are better since he is not in the house with us and we have lost that anxious feeling of not knowing what he was going to say or do when he was drunk. He sends me text messages when he is drunk saying he is going to do himself in, and the next morning he is angry and wants more money from our house settlement. He is such a mess and he cant see that the problems and deterioration of our marriage were assisted by his drinking (he works as manager of a club). I feel happy and strong, a little scared to be on my own and have to start all over again at 46 y/o. But I think being at peace and being happy for the rest of my days without all those stressful days and events due to alcohol will surely out way the very few moments that I had with him. I cant trust what he says when he is drinking and even when he is not, because he tells me what he thinks will win me over and I know if I went back it would be just back to the way it was before. Have booked a holiday and another flight to Sydney for a party. My prayers and good thoughts to everyone trying to make the decision to leave it is so hard to know what is the right thing, for yourself and the kids. I believed that things would only get worse, and there wouldnt have been much to look forward to in the future. I could see me having to nurse him when he gets sick and my whole life would have been wasted. Best wishes all
shaz
xx