Alcoholism and Marriage

Hmmm..not sure about the “…there’s hope yet…and it starts with you.” I have been in and out of therapy for 2 years as the wife of a functioning alcholic whom will not believe/agree that he is an alcoholic. The damage it has done to me, despite learning coping mechanisms, learing to combat co-dependancy and protect my daughter and his from his previous marriage from witnessing destructive behaviours as much as possible has been, I feel, insurmountable. I would ask yourself why you are putting saving the marriage before the health and welfare and the opportunity to live as a fulfilling live as possible of you and any children? I’m not out of the woods yet, though seperated for 10 months I feel ‘compelled’ to stay in the relationship - just ’safe’ enough to stay yet not free to life a fulfilling life. And yes, I recognise this is my doing, my being compliant to the co-dependancy I have developed. My long-term friends no-longer recognise me from who I once was…and I want that woman back…it’s a long road and I’m not so sure that it can be a journey travelled by two.

Hi Katherine,

If I have given you the impression that I put the marriage ahead of health, safety and life fulfillment, I apologize. Safety comes first, absolutely. If you are doing the work on yourself, and it appears you have been, then it may be time to ask yourself “Can I accept this man as my partner as he is?” If the answer is “no,” then perhaps it’s time to walk (or even run.)

What I wrote arose from the fact that so many people start with blaming their partner’s drinking for their unhappiness and end the marriage without taking a look at themselves. The choice is to look inside of yourself now or to do it later in your next marriage. Ugh!

My wife and I have each been in three long-term marriages. We are now in our 27th year with each other. No, it often cannot be a “journey travelled by two” until it’s the right two.

And one more thing: give yourself a big boost by replacing “coping” and “combating” with “transforming.”

I hope this have been of some help.

Neill

never thought that marriage would be like this. There’s rarely any communication between us. As for sex,I can totally live without it because I can never compete with the attention and care that he seems to give to his bottle. Of course he seems to maintain his sexual drive because I continue to be that loving wife, even though I feel so alone. Even though my husband is a functioning alcoholic as far as work is concerned and paying bills, he isn’t functioning when it comes to this marriage. And sadly I’ve been advised by an older christian women, that I should be thankful that my husband drinks at home and pays the bills but by knowing the God I serve, my God has told me that I have a right to expect more out of my marriage. Marriage to me is complete intimacy of the heart and soul. Therefore I hold no bitterness towards that older lady’s advise.

i feel exactly the same way that Linda feels, I would love to run, but I can’t afford to do it financially. It would take me a few years to pay down debt to get to the point of being able to afford to be on my own with my girls…

I have been in a marriage for 28 years with an alcoholic spouse. She was sexually abused by her older brother when she was a small child for several years. That is where the problem begins, however. I have been the enabler and finally I am starting to try and change my behavior. I have made it way to easy for her to continue her drinking. I am now getting my ducks lined up to end this dreaded nightmare.

Dear Tom,

 You note serves as a reminder that there are many alcohol-distressed marriages out there where the alcoholic is the woman, not the man.

Thank you.

Neill

I have scoured the web for information like this and appreciate the forum. I have, within the last 4 days separated households from my Wife, who will admit to "managing all issues in her life with alcohol", but will patently deny she has an alcohol dependency problem, and refused to address it - as far as she is concerned, it is not a problem for her. I have been asking her to address the problem for almost 3 years, nothing has changed, recently it has gotten worse. As I read many posts from websites, it seems that is a common theme that rings loud and clear from those that have the courage to exit their situations, which is "I can’t believe I have stayed so long", they wish they would have left years earlier and they are healing and finding happiness. I have been out for a few days and already feel relieved, sad for sure, but when I think about going home tonight I am looking forward to it, not necessarily to being alone, but not being degraded and ignored by a drunk Wife who does not consider me in anyway.

If you are on the edge of leaving, if you are out of ideas and getting no encouragement from the offender, my advice is follow through on your instincts - you can’t ever get the time back and you will wake up one day (if you stay in the relationship) and be too old to care about the quality of the rest of your life. I feel like I am healing by the minute.

Justin,

Thanks for the note. I can’t believe how difficult life can be when your partner is an alcoholic. T

hank you for the comment, I do appreciate it. I wish you the best.

Thank you Tom

My husband and I have been married 11 years this January. He has been an alcoholic for the entire time I have known him. He stopped drinking for about 3 years but started back I think around 2 years ago. I am finding myself scared and at the end of my rope. My father passed away in December (almost 1 year ago) and I have been trying to cope with that. My husbands drinking and inappropriate behavior over the last year has felt like a slap in the face. In January and March I found him texting and having lunch with 2 different women. And the drinking as become completely out of control. He was hospitalized about 6 years ago with Pancreatitis and could have died. At that time he was drinking over a 5th of vodka a day (everyday, even at work). This time he has gotten on Jim Beam. I am finding countless (empty) 1/2 gallons of Jim Beam around the house. I love my home and don’t want to leave, but I can’t afford it on my own. I know I need to leave. I do love him, but I feel more like his mother than his wife. He is drunk all the time and seems like a small child in his behavior. He talks slow, his gaze is glassy and out of focus, he stumbles, and forgets things. We have a 9 year old daughter that I feel so guilty about subjecting to this lifestyle. I know this is the time to do it. We just refinanced our house and paid off everything we had financed together except the house. We could sell it, split the money and be done. I am just so afraid to take that step. We were separated once before for 11 months when she was around 2 years old. We got back together because I couldn’t stand to leave her with him and it was easier to just be there with her. I am only 33 years old and I feel like I am wasting my life and probably damaging my child’s as well. What makes things worse is my husband is a law enforcement officer and I don’t want to ruin his reputation. He needs help, but I can’t do it anymore. His father is his best friend and he is just as much an alcoholic and really responsible for starting the whole mess. I guess I just need some encouraging advice. I feel so alone since my dad died, just really really depressed and hurt. I feel so hurt that he would put me through so much extra pain, on top of the loss I have to cope with already. Thanks. Lori

On 22nd December I finally “cracked” and kicked my husband out. We have been together for 21 1/2 years, married for 18 1/2 and have two sons, 15 and 12. He has been an alcoholic for that whole time but the abuse escallated in the last few years after someone committed suicide by jumping under his truck. I tried everything I could to help him, not realising how codependant I was being. I got so stressed towards the end, that I was getting physically ill. My health problems over the last few years include depression, migraines, back ache, stomach pains etc. As soon as he left those problems have been vastly improved! His health has deteriorated so much over the last few years that he is impotent and has liver problems ( nearly cirrosis). He has chosen to keep drinking, rather than go through rehabilitation and counselling so that we can live together again. We are both children of alcoholics and I think we attracted each other because of it. Finally I am putting myself and my children first and not letting him drag us down any further. Financially I will be better off - he was spending $300 - $450 per week on booze - no wonder we were going backwards! If anyone reads this, please know that you Can do it - you can leave him/her and have a better life. No matter how much you try to fix them, the alcohol will always win in the end. Good luck

So…what are the literal steps when you want to leave an alcoholic husband?

Find a divorce lawyer? Find an apt? Trade in your car for an undistinguishable car?

What do you do first, second, third???

Obviously, I’m about to leave but want to know what to do when to benefit and protect me most. Any stories on that?

Hi Leigh,

Every woman’s situation is unique, but the first thing to do is decide whether you will be in any danger. Women are most at risk of being harmed by their partners at the point of leaving and during the first year or so afterwards. This decision will have a bearing on everything else.

Next, find and talk to a lawyer and work out a strategy for separation.

When everything is in place, make your move. Sometimes it’s best to do it when he’s away, but you will have worked that out with your lawyer.

One woman I know moved out with the children to a safe house, immediately got a court order to get him out of the house and her and kids back in, got a restraining order and changed the locks. In another case she had to move half way across the country for her safety, and work through a lawyer and family members to get her due. It usually comes down to this: work out a plan as if you are single, then do it. It’s not about winning an argument, it’s about taking charge of your life again. I hope this has been of some help.

Best wishes. Neill

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We’ve been together for 6 and have known each other for 15. He’s mentioned a handful of times in the past 6 years that he feels he’s an alcoholic. I’ve known this the entire time we’ve been together. He comes from a very abusive past, has struggled with low self esteem (which I feel has actually gotten better). However, He cycles - about every 4 - 5 months he hits a low. While in the “low” he drinks every night, excesively (8+ microbrews). And this happens for about a month, then things get better and he’s back to 3 or 4 beers a night, he’s happier. During during his “cycle” it’s impossible to talk to him. He gets very defensive (NEVER abusive). He just closes up and drinks. He becomes emotionless, sometimes overly sensitive.

This is very difficult for me because our marriage will be great, and then all of a sudden it crashes during this time, then after a coule weeks or so it’s great again. I don’t know if what i’m doing is enabling this cylce or what. I know that a huge part of this is his drinking. I’ll try to talk to him about it when things are good and he just says that he loves the taste of beer and then he can’t go without it. He doesn’t see this as a cycle. He usually just blames this on something I’ve done, maybe it is, but it isn’t entirely. I really think that root of the issue is his self esteem. I do get very impatient when he starts drinking exsively.

I should also include that He is very responsible. He just started his own business, he takes his work very seriously. Never has he missed work due to a hangover or anything like that. That’s another reason why it’s hard to bring it up. He’s very responsible, yet he clearly has a drinking problem. He refusing to seek help.

I’ve been spending time on this site, thank you all for providing your comments, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. This is the first time that I’ve branched out and gone to a site like this for help in understanding alcoholism. Any comments would be so meaning. Thank you.

Good morning. I am happy to have come across this web site. I am crushed this am. I am married to an alcoholic who has had periods of sobriety throughout our 13 yr marriage, but cannot get sober this time. He started drinking again about 3 yrs ago. Finally after several failed attempts to quit on his own went to an inpatient rehab center. He has been home for 3 month and we were just starting to feel hopeful enough to try to start putting our marriage together again. He came home at 2:00 this morning, so drunk he could barely stand. I don’t know what to do?? I know I cannot live with his active alcoholism but when do I give up. When is it a relapse vs a slip?

When, as a wife and mother of our 9 yo do I give up?

Stacy,
I understand what you are going through. My husband and I go through the same thing every couple of months. My husband is a drinker and comes from a family (mostly father and uncle) of drinkers. Latley the drunken yelling has really become incredibly embarressing as my husband left on 4th of July weekend after drinking large amnts of beer (which subsiquently led to a HUGE blowout infront of my family and friends before he left.) During his worst, I am the b*tch who has ruined his life and he usually storms out whilst telling me he wants a divorce. But during his best he is very loving towards my daughter and I. He has always been a big drinker (several beers a night to a case every day or so) and he acctually quit drinking certain types of hard alcohol after some very very bad nights. I love him so much but I am at the point that I dont even want alcohol in our home, we have very little of a sex life as I dont even feel the urge most of the time, and I find myself feeling incrediby depressed (like Im backed into a corner and I have to watch what I do and what I say). He knows he has a drinking problem and he has said he will stop but it never happens. What can I do?? We are at the point that if another incedent, while he is drunk, happens, we may not be together afterwards as its to emotionally stressful for me and Ive told him that I will not tolerate it any longer.

My husband and I have been married 7 years. I just moved out 3 days ago, feeling like I had no other choice. He drinks just beer, every day, at least 6 most days. Only beer now, quit the “hard stuff” not but 6-12 months ago. Even with the threat of me leaving, and actually doing it, he wouldn’t commit to “quitting.” He’s admitted he has a problem but he’s let me go. He’s blaming me, he says I gave up on him. I under no circumstances want our marriage to end but this is my last resort. Is there still hope for us? Is there hope for him?

My husband and I have been married 1 year. During this time, he has gotten drunk and left me about 9 times. The last time he left, he was sober but wanting desperately to drink, and getting mad and leaving me was a great excuse. I knew him for several years before we married and knew he drank, but had no idea the extent. When we dated, if he drank too much he stayed at his home, stating he didn’t want my children (13 & 15) to see him. After we married, all that changed. He came home drunk, yelled at them, yelled at me, blamed all of us for his drinking. I have not let him come back since the last time he left, which was about 5 weeks ago. Ironically, I had reached the point of letting him go - I was okay if he never came back. His verbal abuse had escalated to the point that I was afraid it would turn physical at any minute. My oldest daughter can’t stand to be around him and my youngest is like her mother - always willing to give one more chance. Now that I have reached the bottom and was prepared to let go, he has decided to change - attending AA, staying sober, going to church (first time in 15 years), and saying all the right things. He appears to have his anger in check but still does not trust me - he is extremely jealous although I have never cheated on him (his ex-wife did). I know only time will tell if this is real, but even if it is, I am so scared to do it all again. And how long do you wait to see if it is “real”? Every time he left and came back, it was with promises to change, which never lasted. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I am in the same situation. I am so torn between leaving and staying. I ask myself every day why I put up with the mental agony that he puts me and the kids through. I ask this question…What is healthier for the children when you are living with a functioning alcoholic? To stay and protect them from being alone with the alcoholic or to leave and risk them being in the car while he is drinking…or home passed out and unable to respond to an emergency. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Ree, I have been through this too. A year ago, I was at the point you were at. My husband got so drunk and yelled and screamed at me horrible things…and then told the kids (ages 5 and 9 at the time) that he was leaving me because I was a bad wife. I was so angered by this, but I remained calm and let him leave. In the 3 days he was gone, I was at 100% peace with it. I was done. My husband came crawling back though and did all the things you are describing. An outpatient rehabilitation treatment program, AA every night, counseling etc. Life was OK, but it never had the chance to continue improving because he relapsed once the holidays approached. He’s been strugling every day since and I regret not moving forward with the separation last year. I could be out of this relationship at this point. He is now back to denial again. Stating he can have 2 beers and be fine, yet his behavior is SO irratic that it is embarrasing. He stormed out in anger at our Thankgiving Dinner at my families house and still isn’t home now. He is on his way though, (3 days later) and I am paralized with fear. Only you can make up your mind what is best, but your children (and mine) deserve a peaceful childhood and unfortuantly, with an alcoholic step-parent…they are not going to get it. One more thing…my oldest who is 18 now…has decided it is easier to be gone and at friends houses than to be with us. He wouldn’t even spend Thanksgiving with us. Ask yourself where you want your daughter to be in a few years…with you or avoiding the alcoholic. Good luck. You are in my prayers.

Lori,
I’m not sure when you posted your comment, but I know what you mean about leaving the children unattended with him. I feel the same way! It is the ONLY reason I stay. Have you gotten any advice? Let me know if you did. Good luck!

To Beth, Ree and every other mother who is torn between leaving or staying.

Your kids’ emotional health is far more dependent on how well you parents handle conflict than on whether you are together or apart. If he is verbally or physically abusive towards you, get out for the sake of the kids.

When your daughter grows up,would you want her to stay with an abusive man no matter what? If your answer is “no,” then don’t model that behavior for you children.

My book will help you sort this out.

Neill

Dear Dr. Neill and Beth,

Thank you for your responses to my post. Since my last post, my husband has decided that AA is not for him and has stopped going. I understand that not everyone benefits from that type of program, and he is a very private person, so it does not surprise me. He is still being very active in church and says that being there is all he needs. He swears he has not been drinking at all and that his whole attitude has changed, that he understands where all the anger came from and knows how to control it since the alcohol is gone. I am really doubtful that 15+ years of alcohol abuse has been “fixed” (his word) in 10 weeks, but he believes it. He does not understand why I can’t just forget about the last year of verbal and emotional abuse – after all, it wasn’t his fault, it was the alcohol. He doesn’t seem to comprehend that he is the one that decided to drink the alcohol.

I still feel so torn about what to do, but my girls and I have finally started getting our relationship back and I don’t want to risk it. I still love him, and I feel like a coward for not being willing to take a chance, but if he comes back and this blows up again, I don’t know that me or my children can take it. I feel like no matter what choice I make, I hurt the people I love. There really is no easy way out.

Beth,
Thank you for the prayers and please know that you, and anyone else in this situation, are in mine. I hope that you and your 18 year old can mend your relationship. My oldest daughter (soon 16) tried to move out the last time I let her step-father come home, but her daddy refused to let her stay with him - said she needed to learn how to deal with it. That was a real wake-up call for me. I was so busy trying to earn my husband’s trust and respect (which I should have had to start with) that my daughter no longer trusts me to keep her safe emotionally. I’m trying to do everything I can to undo the damage I have caused, but it is a slow process. Good luck with your son - I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I imagine hundreds, if not thousands, of spouses/partners are reading this site today. I used to believe the holidays brought out the best in people but after 20+ with an alcoholic I realize the holidays bring out the worst. It dawned on my yesterday why I hate to host Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners; why I don’t decorate for the holidays; who would when the holiday is always spoiled?

Yesterday, I found the courage to do what’s best for me: I told my husband to leave my home. That I did not want alcohol in my house, basement or garage. Emotionally, I left him months ago as I conscientiously took steps to rebuild my life without him in it. Now that is paying off for I feel I can have a better life that does not pinge on his presence. It has not been easy. As a matter of fact it’s been heartbreaking. Who wants to believe that a drinking spouse will choose booze over the relationship? That’s the worst! But it is true. The alcoholic always chooses boose over you, and will always do so.

I knew my marriage was ready to be dissolved when I admitted to myself that if I had to do it all over again I would not marry him. Talk about a huge breakthrough. You might “think” that thought…but until you actually say those very words out loud to yourself, and then to a trusted friend, you aren’t ready to leave the marriage.

I’m torn between feeling hopeful that I can lead a fulfilling life as I turn 47 and feeling that I’ve wasted 20 years on a life of arguing, heartwrenching exchanges, and relationships ruined. If you are reading this please say a prayer for me so I can make it to the next stage with my sanity in tact.

Good luck to you.

He’s finally REALLY admitted it. He even called and told his parents. What do I do now? How do I support him without shoving AA, ect. down his throat? I’ve been living w/my parents for 3 months and I don’t feel it would be right to rush home…even though he wants me there for support and motivation. What is my role?

There is nothing that stresses a marriage more than alcoholism. It isn’t an occasional drink we’re talking about, here, but a third party to the relationship, with more influence in the alcoholic’s life than the spouse. Alcoholism alters the marriage, often adding violence and risking the lives, careers and health of everyone. Many marriages and families have survived alcoholism, but, unless recovery is maintained, none thrive.
—————-
Brukewilliams

Alcoholism Information

So my feeling as far as alcoholism and marriage goes is this: if there is any kind of abuse involved, that you leave – without question!! Putting your (and your children’s) lives at stake is a risk you just cannot take. And if you find it difficult, just think of the kids and the harm you’re doing them by leaving them exposed to that kind of environment. You may not be responsible for your husband or wife’s drinking, but you are responsible for leaving your kids. ——————————————– Juliana url="http://www.alcoholisminformation.org”]DoFollow[/url

My husband is also a highly functioning alcoholic. Although he’s not physically violent towards me. I think I have been suffering from a form of emotional abuse that has left me feeling very uncertain about many thing I once took for granted. I am now even questioning my husband’s true sexual orientation.

We’ve been married for 9 years and the first year of our marriage was fantastic. Although he drank, it wasn’t a major problem as far as the marriage was concerned. He worked away from home a lot and I knew he drank more during those times but when he was home he seemed to be able to control his drinking. The problems for me started out of the blue when I organised a surprise weekend away to celebrate our first anniversary. He knew I had something nice planned but when the time came, he just didn’t come home from work that weekend. He was working interstate and chose to stay and attend a lunch with some male work colleagues. He didn’t phone me or get anyone else to phone, he just didn’t turn up.

Shortly after that, we were asleep one night and I rolled over and accidently touched him, he sat bolt up right, got straight out of bed and angrily accused me of ‘fiddling’ with him. He always sleeps with very tight underpants on and I if I were asked to give a description of his body I would be at a loss because I’ve hardly ever seen him fully naked since our first year of marriage. The has been no intimacy since then. I have tried to get him into counselling and when I asked him to please come to counselling after our second anniversary, he said the problem wasn’t me but due to the pressures of his work (and problems with his family) He felt they were just too great for him to deal along with with issues surrounding intimacy as well. He asked me to please wait until he retires, which was six years in the future and then it will all be alright. I love my husband and so I waited and believe me it just about sent me batty! He’s been retired now for almost almost two years and instead of improving the problems surrounding intimacy have deepened.

I am his second wife and I now know he and his first wife slept in separate bedrooms for at least the last the last ten years of their marriage. He says that’s why the eventually broke up but he won’t discuss it any further than that.

I have tried to get counselling for us in the past but it only made matters worse. The couple of times when I’ve raised the issue since he retired, he’s become very angry and taken to hitting himself, smashing his watch (he’s done that twice) or the most frightening of all, he’s gone to the kitchen, picked up the large butcher’s knife and threatened to cut his penis off. This was all the more frightening given his hang ups around me seeing him naked, in the shower, on the loo etc and vice versa. He says it makes him feel dirty.

This all got too much for me a few months ago and so I moved into our second home, ten miles up the road from him. As a result of my moving out, he’s started drinking even more and has now completely shut down emotionally. He absolutely refuses to speak about our marriage except for basics things like investments etc. the milk bill etc. I even went as far as to outline my understanding of what a marriage of convenience was and asked him is that’s what he felt comfortable with and he thought that sounded just fine because again, he felt I was rushing him. I am in a state of shock. Nine years and I’m rushing him? He said he would see a counsellor (he’s said that before and never done anything) and so I said I would leave it a month and then we discuss the details of either where we go from here or how we separate. He felt one month was too short a time and so we agreed on three months. The relief in his voice was palpable. Not wishing to sound too pessimistic but I’m not holding out much hope that he will have shifted or changed any by then.

I must admit I have wondered if maybe my husband is actually repressing a homosexual orientation. I have asked him in the past but he adamantly denies he is.

I have been attending Alanon meetings and am finding them very helpful regarding the nature of the disease of alcoholism. But I also get the feeling he could be using alcohol as a self medication for deeper problems.

I seem to have come to a dead end in seeking information or advice on how help my husband and I and hopefully our marriage. I worked with a counsellor in the lead up to us retiring but we couldn’t go any further with regard to issues surrounding intimacy because my husband would refuse to engage in couples counselling or throw up other crises with his family etc, that continually took the focus away from our problem. The counsellor was a great help for me and I think it’s as a result of working with her that, when the time came, I was able to move out and at least start attempting to move on with my life.

I should point out that in terms of intimacy, it’s not just a lack of physical intimacy that was withdrawn. There is no spiritual or emotional intimacy either. Apart from generalities, he phased out many years ago. I could be a strange on a bus. He perks up a bit when he’s drinking but there’s no depth to our conversations. He is very cold and aloof. Also I usually have to repeat myself when I do say something because he seems to be in this little world of his own and is never fully tuned in. I should mention too that since he retired 2 years ago, his drinking had increased and before I left, he was starting as early as 10am and hiding his wine in coffee cups behind the computer etc. He doesn’t do ANYTHING except watch TV and sit in front of a computer and he has no desire to do anything. He blames me for his retirement and says he should have stayed working. We retired because we no longer needed to work and so we bought a RV with the intention of travelling the country for a couple of years. He spent years finding the ‘perfect’ RV. We were only on the road for four weeks before he lost interest but wouldn’t say why. I figured it might be because he can’t drink until he passes out. Anyway he says he doesn’t like it and so he’s selling the rig. We ended up going no where.

I realise the nature of my query is very personal but I am working on the notion I am not the only wife in the world who’s experiencing this and that there may be some other avenues I could explore. I want to understand what happened. I don’t feel I can let go without some sort of understanding

I love my husband and would have dearly loved to have had a healthy, fully functioning marriage. In my heart of hearts I know it takes two people willing to do the hard yards to make a marriage work and I can’t make him but for me I can’t seem to move on with my life not understanding what happened. My husband is 58 and I just turned 55. There is still so much I want to do in life. I can’t live in a marriage of convenience any more than I can live the lie of pretending everything is alright when it’s not.

Thank you

How do you know which came first - the alcoholism or the marriage issues? Seems like its the increase in use that has led to the marital problems, but the drinking could also be used to deal with the marital issues.

My husband is definitely a functioning alcoholic and has moved into the apathy/numb stage, where he won’t admit he has a problem, but says he’s not sure why he got married, that he just wants to be alone, of course, because now I’m making an issue of the situation and he wants to avoid accountability.

I want to help him he’s sick. He has been verbally abusive so its hard for me to tell what he’s really thinking and feeling and what he is trying to get me to respond. He seems to be a classic functional type, which suggests if he could just start dealing with it some of his feelings about the relationship of 12 1/2 yrs,  might go back to where they were before he started drinking.

But how can I tell if that’s part of why he started drinking? I want to stay because this new person doesn’t seem like me husband. He had oxycodone for a surgery for a few days and it seemed like the stress of it all melted away and the man I knew was back. He’s obviously overwhelmed by life and responsibility and drinks bc of his anxieties. He’s just not connecting it yet.

He started counseling and is trying to use her to enable his desire to leave. We had a joint session and I tried to show the counselor how he’s manipulating her (lies of ommision and revisonist history). I think she’s sees but not sure she’s equipped to really help him with his mental issues. She keep telling him to workout to improve his mood and relieve stress. I’m like we are so past that, but its his sessions and I doubt I’ll be invited back anytime soon.

I’m trying to move past enabling but there isn’t enough info out here in cyber space to identify the other behaviors I’m enabling besides the drinking and how to stop enabling his stinky thinking, etc. Will he see the light? Would appropriate medication for anxiety help instead of his self medicating? He was called a functional at our shared session, he’s trying to cut back on his own but I’m not sure if that’s making it worse or not. Its so hard to separate fact from fiction. He blames his inability to focus at work on the marriage, not his crazy lifestyle.

Am I holding out too much hope that once this alcoholic idea finishes creeping in and he addresses it that some of these symptoms will improve?

Dear Alice,

It’s often very difficult to tell which came first. However, it is highly probable that the emotional/mental problems are at the root of the problem, and they likely go back a lot further than 12 1/2 years. As he deals with them, the drinking my fade away. Anxiety medication, also highly addictive, may provide some “living space,” but it provides no insight and won’t remove the underlying problems.

If he has developed an alcohol dependency, this may require some treatment too.

You raise a third possibility, that he is just unhappy in his marriage and doesn’t know how to leave without feeling like even more of a jerk. If this is in the mix, and he is getting good counseling for the underlying issues, he should become clearer about what he wants in life.

I’m glad he is working on his stuff. Read the articles on codependency on this site. It may help you get more clarity on areas you may be contributing. The book will give you a lot more help.

Your focus needs to be on you, your well being, your life. You will look back at this time as one of the darkest in your life. I’m sorry you have to go through it.
Neill

I am on the verge of leaving my alcoholic husband - we have only been married for 3 months , with hindsight a mistake. I cannot take the anger and being blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life anymore. The straw that broke me was a weekend with his son where he was drunk constantly - unacceptable in my eyes … please give me hope there is light at the end of the tunnnel ??

Hi Karen,

I think you know that none of this is your fault. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel leads away from the marriage. You have walked into a marriage with a full-blown alcoholic. There is no foundation to build on, so you have nothing to lose by leaving, except a false pride. When the dust settles, you will be proud of yourself for leaving. Don’t wait for the pain to get worse.

There is always hope for a fulfilling life.

You have my best wishes for the good life you seek.

Neill

Karen, I am in the exact same situation. I have been married just over 3 months to an alcoholic. She has struggled for years, but it has become unbearable the last couple of months. Unfortunately, her rants have rolled into the times I have my children, mostly in the form of anger about their mother. This is unacceptable.

I moved out about a week ago. A few days ago she acknowledged her problem and sought help through a program at the hospital. She wants me back, and I miss her desperately. But I can’t go back, no matter how much I love her. And I do love her. But I can’t afford having my kids seeing or hearing inappropriate behavior.

I am grieving for the loss of the one I love. I can only hope for her sake that she can make a full recovery. But I can’t be a part of it due to my having children whom I love more than anything and will always protect.

I just hope I am doing the right thing. My head tells me I am. But my heart is screaming to go back.

Hey Kurt

I feel the exact same way, the is the first time in my life I going with my head and not my heart. Alcohol is a curse, how true if we have been unfortunate enough to fall in love with an alcoholic. The future is extremely sad. We lose are ourselves in denial that the problem is not that bad. We do everything to cover up and even lie to others so they wont worry about us. I havent told anyone half of the crap that I have gone thru with my husband. I told him in the last few weeks that I didnt want to be married anymore, I lived in hope that he might say I’ll change shaz, but he didnt. He tries, and acts nicely and makes me think that it will be different, but then he goes and asks can I drop him to the club. He drinks everyday, lives downstairs and I know nothing will change.

I have changed for some reason. The rose coloured glasses fell off, and I saw my marriage for what it really is. We used to have the best sexual relationship together, but things were always dependent on if he was drinking, how much he had had, etc etc. It has been so hard to tell him I am moving and selling the house, but if I stay, the next 14 years will be the same as the last, and I just cant do it anymore.

Hello Dr.

I have been married for over 4 years to an alcoholic and I have come to drink myself..I hate myself when I drink…I feel that I cannot help my husband because I know he needs to go to rehab, but we need his income..it is distroying our lives and we are not around each other when he drinks, because it becomes an argument..so our sex life if 0000! I worry about the neighbors and others seeing him drunk…

I don’t want to live like this..I love him very much and want him to get help..what should I do?

My husband quit drinking 9 months ago. He claims not to even miss the alcohol. He has not yet quit breaking promises, lying, making excuses for lying and breaking promises, or denying and avoiding responsibility for any aspect of our marriage (emotional or sexual). Every time we go through his entire argument cycle (denial, excuses, reasons he shouldn’t be expected to keep that promise anyway, well if I don’t like it I should just leave, a bunch of yelling back and forth, then he’s so sorry, he sees now that what he’s done has been very hurtful to me and is making no progress, and he’s going to work harder on it, I’ll see, just please give him another chance even though he doesn’t deserve it), because he refuses to work toward solving a problem, unless he’s already tried every last way he can come up with to assert that he should not actually bear any responsibilty in that situation. He never keeps the promise he makes at the end of the cycle, but he wants me to act like he has, because he "intended to" and "really meant it when he said it".

The argument cycle and broken promises started 3 years ago when he was drinking most heavily, and haven’t stopped or slowed down since he quit. What do I do from here?

Hello Heidi,

I feel your pain. Above all, look after yourself.

There are alternatives to rehab if he really wants to change. They may cost as much as rehab, but he can continue working.

I am working on developing such an alternative my self in the next few months. Stay tuned.

Hi Cara,

What you are describing is the post acute withdrawal phase, or “dry drunk” phase of recovery from alcoholism. I’m sure it must be very confusing when nothing changes except the drinking.

The real work of recovery begins after the drinking has stopped. Now he has to recreate his life. It sounds like he hasn’t figured that out yet. See my comment to Heidi, above.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for 6 years. My husband and I have been married for 26 years. He and I met as "drinking buddies’ and continually abused alcohol together the entire marriage until I quit. He still drinks.

He is what I would call a binge drinker. He can go for periods of not drinking or moderate drinking, but he still craves it and uses it as a mood changer and has been ‘drunk’ in front of me over a hundred times since I quit. I can’t take it. It’s a major wedge in our marriage.

I don’t do meetings and never have. I don’t want to drink ever again and I’m not tempted by his drinking. I’m very spiritual and have found peace in most areas but this. He said once to me when we were drinking, "if you quit, I’ll quit" and "why don’t we quit drinking…together". I’m just totally turned off by his personality when he drinks and it’s affecting our relationship. A lot.

I feel like if you’re devoted to your spouse and you claim you can take booze or leave it(he claims this), why wouldn’t you quit for them or at least show some solidarity and not drink in front of them through their recovery. Am I totally wrong about this? I honestly don’t know. I love this man and I hate alcohol. My mother’s an alcoholic, I was raised in New Orleans in a totally alcoholic mentality and family, it is dysfunction at it’s peak. We have four incredible children and I’m getting better every day. I have the greatest relationship with my children and he does too. That’s what makes it so hard. He’s an amazing father and provider. It’s just about us…I mean what about us? I’m getting farther and farther away from him. I just wish he would come on board. "the dysfunction stops here"..that is my motto.

I have only been married for 9 months and seperated for 3 months. My alcoholic wife left me after I called 911 after she was drinking and drink attempting a 90+ mile drive back to our house. All they do is lie and deceive to support their addiction which after much counseling and Alanon groups have affirmed addiction is stronger than love and destroyes everything and all trust. Lying, cheating, deceiving and being so selfish - these are not people that can be married. Remember that. Not even vows matterv to the alcoholic as their morals like them become lost. Tragic and sad. It is as if you swim out to save them all the time. When you feel they are drowning you with them it is over. The worst part is that we spouses can’t save them. ONLY they can. I used to think my favorite 3 words were “I Love You” but they became a desire to hear “I need help”. Go to ivillage.com under alcoholism and read my story on calling 911 on my wife and read all the postings. It will help you too. It is lonely and baffeling. They have no idea of the pain they inflict
Tony

There is no way to live ever happily with an alcoholic no matter how much you convince yourself otherwise. Alcoholism destroys the person drinking and the entire family it WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH. I have been living with an alcoholic for a year and a half and you have no idea how it has changed my life. Wonderful man horrible drunk . GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and for once start living your life like I have. Freedom from this horrible disease. Unless the person really recognizes the problem and desperate for help you are 100% wasting your time and will for ever never be truly happy. GET OUT LIFE IS SHORT

my heart goes out to all of ye it reilly does ive bin married to a funciational alcoholic for 4 years and with him for 18 years tinking he would change and i love him so much it hurts bur he will never change never he tried everything noting works he comes from a family of alcoholics his mam dad sister and brother all anties and uncles on both sides granny and grandad and now cousins and our own son i think will be the same i no he drinks heavily he is 17 sad i should have left him years ago im 35 now and have had enough i through him out at christmas and he lives woth his parents who now cant cope with him either not my probem zanymor

i have to put my kids first

so i tink if hes not going to change wat is the point in staying till im old and cant have a life untill im in my 50s im very lonely and confused and hurt but im happier than iv been in years im trying to buy my own house now so hpefully this will happen it will cause i will make it happen we as parents have a responsibility to our kids to protect them from abuse and harm and if the grow up like this the will think when their older that my mam put up with this all her life why cant i thats not rite i have 3 fab kids and the come first and i want them to be happy and have a brillant childhood and happy life as kids and when the grow up i cant help my husband ive tried for years i give up hes not willing to help himself for his kids then wat sort of a man is he

pray for me please to heal

thanks

I feel so alone. As soon as my husband gets off work he opens a beer and he doesn’t stop drinking until he goes to sleep, beer cans on the night stand… I crave his attention, his love…but I just go to sleep, curled up with my pillows…alone and so sad. I would do anything to have my sober husband touch me and hold me at night, to be able to cuddle with him and talk to him. I think, “if he would only slow down his drinking, but I can’t see that happening”. I want us to make love but I can’t make love to my husband when he is drunk. I feel lost…do not know what to do.

Hey tammy I know how you feel, it is the worst feeling in the world. I have lived with that feeling for years.

I lived in hope that one night he would come to his senses and see what he was doing to me. (There is the key to the problem). What he was doing to me… he wasnt doing anything to me; I was doing it to me. My expectation was that he was going to realise how hurt I was, he would notice all my tears and how my heart was breaking as I watch him consume huge amounts of alcohol night after night. All the nights I waited, for him to come to bed only to find him slouched in the chair, head down passed out. How many nights at social functions he became embarrassing, and I was just wanted to hide. The anxiety I would feel would start weeks before an event was on, and I would start to stress at what I thought would be the outcome. We could never go anywhere that didn’t serve alcohol, and every outing would start or end with a trip thru the drive thru bottle mart. Making love was for in the morning, even though I was a night person, but my feelings were not considered.

Slowing down, restricting days, having a dry house, drinking light beer, 4 beers or 6 beers, drinking only thurs to sun, I suggested everything and nothing worked. He was drunk the other night as I picked him up from the club, and he said " I get drunk, talk shit and you just have to put up with it", I said I have put up with it for 14 years and I am over it. He is a good man half of each day, only you never really have a true intimate bond with an alcoholic, they tell you what they need to get thru another day and you believe it, because you want to believe that there will be a change and better days.

Stand up and say, I have had enough, change yourself and love yourself more and more because if you dont you will be still in the same type of relationship in 1, 2, 5 or ten years down the track. It is really hard to detach, al-anon helps with detachment (friends of alcoholic family groups).

My house sold today I have been waiting for weeks, taken a transfer and moving north for some more sunshine, into my 2nd year of teaching degree, buy myself flowers all the time. When the pain of leaving is less than the pain you get from staying you know you have had enough. I thought I had married my soul mate, I thought our love would survive anything, anything but alcohol.

Living in a marriage that isn’t working is the lonliest place on earth.

Dear Shaz, Congratulations on selling your house.

Thanks Dr Neill you are right, thought I would be happy to leave now house is sold, but I am still crying. I am doing this even though my heart wants to stay my head is saying go. It has been the loneliest place, it has been so hard because you make out to all your friends and family that everything is ok, and eventually you have to let everyone know that it is not working.Thanks again for all your support, your web site is so wonderful. I just seem to write on here how I really feel and most days it is with tears rolling because it is so hard. Just hope that things will get better and happier because I just cant do this anymore, cant go back now just have to move forward.
love
shaz

I have been married 28 years; he has been drinking since I met him, daily. I know it’s a progressive disease and that is obvious to me. I love him a lot but he is very moody (mostly grumpy) and not "present" once he drinks. He is not verbally or physically abusive to me however somewhat intimidating at times. Also, he did "lose his temper" and beat our 15-year-old son over a school issue (belt on rear), when I was not home. I had asked him and he had agreed, to not use physical punishment any longer. I would call this abuse?

As much as I don’t want to put the family (we have 5 children 27,22,18,15, 8 years old. Oldest two not at home, 18 year old going to college this fall) through the trauma, it has dawned on me that I can’t change the drinking and maybe I’d be better without him at home. I follow a 12-step-program for food addiction and feel that I am doing well. The drinking causes me daily anguish, I can’t seem to change those feelings.

Advice and comments welcome.

Hey dr neill its me again, a regular customer I am. Wow the contracts are ready to be signed and gets so drunk saturday that he is telling me that he wont sign to sell the house. I told him we can be sued as the people are ready to sign to purchase and that if he does not sign he is liable to half the mortgage that I have been paying as I am leaving in approx 2/3 weeks. Found myself a small apartment near my mum and dad, started to pack and hopefully I can get a signature out of him without all the drama. I am so tired and sick of the whole thing, when i try to explain to him that I still care about him he calls me a liar, tells me I am just taking his daughter and that I dont care how he feels. I said if he had cared he would have stopped drinking and been a proper dad and father years ago. He just cannot see how alcohol has destroyed our relationships, and unfortunately it cant be mended.
I still have love for my hubby, he is not all terrible all the time, but cant live with someone who changes from morning to night.
Fingers crossed he will sign the contract, it is so hard to negotiate with a drinker.
Shaz

contract signed on house and delivered to solicitor. Had such mixed feelings, in one way it is liberating I will be free to live in a house without worrying about whether my husband will be crying or angry once he started his drinking for the day. He keeps telling me I am sorry, I know I drink too much. He says I am not a bad husband, and he thinks because he never cheated on me that that is the only qualification needed. I said I am so tired of doing everything, caring for the children, shopping, cooking, cleaning, working full time, and doing a degree part time while he sat in his chair watched the austar and drank beer. Hello….. I have been so strong and have not backed down, I had to give him $20,000 out of our house money and the leather lounge, and I know he will just waste the money on beer and gambling. It is sad to end a marriage, any marriage but when a marriage has to end due to an addiction to alcohol which seems such a simple thing to do and just stop. It is a drug which is poisoning their minds, and I will not stay and watch him deteriorate any further. Scary to be totally alone, however he left me every day on the grog anyway so it really is no different. Anyway thats me for today, packing and getting boxes. Have not found a place to rent yet, no where wants to take me and my sausage dog and fluffy cat, two kids also, It is the pets that no one likes, will keep looking. I know there will be days that I will miss my hubby heaps, as the hard part is that I still love him heaps. But just cant live with him anymore….

i am married to a functioning alcoholic, we have been together for 9 years and he has drank for all those 9 years, we have 3 boys and a daughter and i have to say that i am very concerned about what the children are learning by watching their father drink and play on the computer until 4 or 5 am. i have to employee a babysitter because he is sleeping until 5 or 6 in the evening because of his drinking. last year we where seperated for almost a year and i went back because the company i was working for closed down with no notice and i could not do it by my self. i regret everyday that i went back but i do love him alot. he’s a great dad and husband when he’s sober but he’s never really sober because he drinks everynight. i left a few weeks ago and told him that i and the kids would be gone if he went back to the whiskey and what do you know about a week later he’s back on the bottle i know i have to stick to my word but it’s so hard. when he asks to expalin why i’m leaving and want a legal seperation he says that he’s stayed by me through my anger issues which i will addmit i do have a temper so i should stay with him while he’s cutting back on drinking. i have suggested aa and he refuses to go saying that he will do it on his own. i know he cant do it on his own though no alcoholic can. i really need some reassurance that what i’m doing is right and i shouldnt feel like i have to stay with him because when i leave he has nowhere to go. his family is sick of him and refuses to take him in and the vehicle we have is in my name. he will be hitting rock bottom with nothing if i go and i need to know that it’s not my fault.

Dear Mother of 4

It is not your fault. It never has been. It’s his choice, but, true to form, alcoholics seldom look inside for the real reasons for their drinking.

Set a good example for your children by taking care of yourself.

Hi Tammy S

I have lived in this same situation for 4 years of marriage. The lonliness is unbearable and tore me apart.I was so sad and depressed. I started therapy last year and realized that I have been hiding out with him, instead of living my life I just come home from work and watch him drink himself stupid-I never went anywhere or saw anyone, for 3 years. In therapy I realized that I had to start living a life…nothing major, just dinner or a movie here and there with a friend or family member. He has lost his mind about that, because I am "giving my attention" to other people. The irony is that I wanted his attention so desperatly it broke my heart..but all his attention is for his beer. He has lost 20lbs this last year by not eating(he drinks instead of eats-he’s in an unhealthy weight range now)and has now become even more hostile when drunk, because I am trying to make myself healthy and he resents it. I am realizing ever so slowly that there is nothing I can do, nothing will get better if he doesn’t and he has no intention of getting better. I am trying very hard to get to the point that I can leave- I want a healthy marriage but I am coming to accept that is not going to happen.

Hi,

I am married to what you call a functioning alcoholic. We have been married for 21 years. He always had a problem with alcohol but tended to only drink at weekends during the first few years of marriage. The last 2 years have been dreadful. I started finding empty vodka bottles about 8 years ago. When he went out weekends he seemed to drink a bottle of vodka first. It got to the stage that I would not go out with him. He has given up the drink for a few weeks and then back on it. Went to AA for about 3 weeks and said it wasn’t for him (all about God etc). He did go to his doctor and was prescribed anti-abuse tablets. I tried to support and help him but he knew every trick in the book. He swapped the tables with something else or refused to take them. Once he even ended up in hospital as he took drink with the tablet. That didnt even frighten him into giving up. He has and still is verbally abusive and I just want out of this marriage now. I am at my wits end and dont know what to do. I have my brother and nephew living with me. He seems to use them as a weapon and has told them he wants them out. He is blaming them for his marriage breakdown. I cannot afford to move out and rent and pay my share of the mortgage. I know I will have to make the move and go see a Solicitor. I have even asked him if I could buy him out but he refuses. He seems to be under the illusion that once my brother and nephew move out we will get back together again. But if Im honest I have had enough. There is no way that our marriage can be saved. I really dont know what I am going to do. Im getting snappy with everyone and am finding it hard working.

It was booze at first. And dip. Yuck. I always hated that. But I liked his bad boy image. Twenty-nine years and scores of tears later, I find myself asking why I bother. He’s addicted to porn which I find both disgusting and a relief. He’s addicted to a variety of meds and healthy concoctions. His twice daily showers are nearly 30 minutes each. I find myself loathing the air he breathes. But I desperately hang on to the kind times and little things he does that almost brighten my day. I am going crazy. I’m tired. The marriage counselors all 3 times we tried (many sessions with each counselor) helped me temporarily to realize it was all my fault. But they were as manipulated by him as I have been. I just wish I knew what to do. I got him through college and went on to finish grad school myself. We both have decent jobs but in this economy who knows how stable they are. Out kids are almost out of the nest. I’m sorry to ramble.

Paula,

The brother and nephew are just excuses to keep doing what he’s doing. If they leave it will be back to blaming you. Of course he refuses to let you buy him out, because that would mean change.

You are under no obligation to have an unhappy life. But it is up to you. You are NOT responsible for his drinking, but you are 100% responsible for how you decide to live your life.

If this is a bad day to decide to leave and to see a lawyer, why would you expect any other day to be a good day? Just do it.

Kim,

Please read what I said to Paula. You do know what to do, but going ahead and doing it can be scary. We hear a lot about “denial” in the world of alcoholism. So keep in mind that delay is the ultimate form of denial.

Made the first move yesterday. Went to see a solicitor. He is drafting a letter for my husband explaining that I want a separation. Have to say that it was very scary but I know I am doing the right thing. Brother and nephew and going to move out to ease the tension. He asked his brother to ring me and ask if I would give it another go but I said know. He said he was devasted but then starting blaming my brother and nephew again (no change there then). His brother thinks I have done the right thing and he will keep on at him to end the marriage amicably. Hopefully he will get the message and move out and sell his share to me. Either way I have to wait till January to apply for a judicial separation as you have to be 12 months separated (even though living under the same roof). I will just have to keep myself busy and out of his way until it is all sorted but I do feel as if a weight has lifted from my shoulders now that I have taken the first step altough I know I have a few tough months ahead of me and to be honest I’m really sad about it but I am lucky in that I have a good understanding family, good job and a social life if I wish. I always thought I would be married for life. It’s amazing reading comments from other people - really brings it home that you are not the only one going through this. Anyway, hopefully he wont explode too much when he gets the letter from my solicitor.

Dr. Neill

I went to see a solicitor. very upsetting to say the least. Anyway he in turn sent my husband a letter informing him that I want a separation etc. Im at home in the bedroom now (monday night). He just got in from work and read the letter. To say it knocked him for six is putting it mildly. He came up to me and begged me to speak to him. He got down on his knees, was crying and promised that from here on in he would never touch a drop. He said he will go to meetings every night of the week if I want him to. I told him that I didnt love him anymore and he said that he would work on getting that back. His voice was shaking so much that he could hardly speak properly. I know he is back on his anti-abuse tablets (his bother is giving them to him every 2 days now). I feel like my head is ready to explode. I wasnt expecting this from him. At the very least I thought he would fight me over the letter or laugh. I really dont know what to do now. On one hand I feel sorry for him and on the other I dont know if I do love him. I asked him how could he want to stay with me when I told him I dont love him but he said he could change all that. Problem is can I. Im so mixed up. sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

Dear Paula,

Congratulations on your courage to take action. You have taken him back emotionally every time he went too far in the past, so why should he expect other than you will forgive him again. The stakes are higher this, so his begging is more extreme. Furthermore he is still making the probem about you: “He said he will go to meetings every night of the week if I want him to.” He has given no indication that he will do whatever it takes to beat his alcoholism, with or without you. And groveling to be with someone who says she doesn’t love you is pretty pathetic. He would be resenting you again in no time.

Go ahead with your separation plans. If you still have a glimmer of hope, tell him you will wait two years (apart), and if he has been completely clean during that time and has taken the lifestyle steps to make it permanent, and if neither of you are in a new relationship, and if you both are still interested, you would be willing to talk with him.

The problem is, Paula, sometimes relationships pass a point of no return. And people seldom make real change if their motivation is to control another person, in this case, you. Real change comes from within. Remember too that while you may operate your life in good faith, most alcoholics are master manipulators.

Be strong.

Dr. Neill

Thanks for those words. I know if I stay with him it is through pity. I just cannot see myself trusting him again or even getting intimate. I have got so use to being on my own and independent of sorts. But my heart feels like it is jumping from my body and I cannot even eat. Funny that you mentioned the meetings. He only said he would go every night when I said that taking tablets was not enough. I think he was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Oh my God this is so difficult. His brother said he would talk to him today - so hopefully he will have calmed down a bit and accept that it is over. He never mentioned my brother or nephew so I presume he still wants them out and once they are gone he will think he has a chance. I know I have to be strong. But at the back of my mind I keep thinking that maybe this time he will give the drink up for good??? I suppose I am kidding myself but some people do recover.

Hi Shaz, Thanks for sharing your story…it struck a cord with me..I’ve been married for 12 years and with him for 18 years…we have a 2 year old daughter and I’ve had heart wrenching times over the years but since having my daughter it seems so much worse…I love him with all my heart, but his drinking has become unbearable..he’s a gentle man, has never even threatened me…he’s loved by all, including my large family, however, everybody knows about his drinking, get’s mad at him for it but they don’t understand the disease…I feel alone most of the time, our sex life is horrible because he’s unable to sustain an erection due to the amount of alcohol he consumes, he spends more time with his alcoholic friends and our neighbours then he does at home, We separated once before for a couple of months over the same issue but I took him back because I missed him so much, looking back, he tried to attend AA meetings and to slow down with the drinking but eventually he was back to the same…over the past few years I’ve really suffered while trying to appear super strong in front of my family and friends but eventually I got to a point where I couldn’t stand it any longer…I asked him to leave about a month ago and the only contact we’ve had since are a few occasions when he picked up/dropped off our daughter…and this is also a sensitive point because he’s a great father but I can’t rely on him not to drink around our daughter…I’m so sad because we need to talk about this separation and what it means to both of us but he’s at a completely different stage than I am…I understand he is telling everybody that he doesn’t know why I asked him to leave and suggesting that our marriage problems would be there whether he drank or not…I heard the same things about 7 years ago and took him back believing that it was 50% my fault. I know he’s drinking gross amounts of alcohol throught the week, it affects his health, his ability to stay productive and our life. I’ve learned that we are unable to work on any marriage issues while he is drinking..recently, he’s been reaching out in a way that is unusual for him, he’s been making some effort to talk with me but I’m almost afraid to put myself out there again..I miss hime, I love him and I feel sorry for him but I don’t know what to do because living with him was almost unbearable…today, I cancelled an appointment I had previously made with a lawyer to file legal separation papers…I didn’t feel ready. He called tonight in hopes of meeting tomorrow at our home to talk, or as he said “maybe if you’re not busy, we can get a pizza and hang around for a bit”…I was so shocked I just said, “well, we need to talk anyway so alright”. I want to tell him that I love him but I can’t live with him anymore and I don’t want our daughter around the drinking either…I also want to confirm some “separation boundaries”…I’m so nervous and I don’t know why…I’ve lived with this man for most of my adult life, does anyone understand this?? please feel free to offer any advice you have, thanks

These stories sound alot like mine: We married young, I was pregnant, and he didn’t actually drink as much then. Now, 13 years later he drinks almost daily. His drink is beer, but is talking about working on switching to harder drinks. He is the sweetest man when he is sober. He didn’t even use to be too bad with just beer. There were signs every once in a while though that showed me he could have a problem, but I never realized it until now. For instance about 4 years into marriage, one day he gets wasted and falls asleep with his beer sitting between his legs on the couch. I thought it was funny, and took a picture. I then thought it would be funny to put ice in his pants to wake him up. Wrong move-he jumped up, and said layoff you f—ing Bi–. The worst of it was, we had friends over that seen the whole thing. Nothing happened for years after that, until the past few. He has raised his hand to me, I told him “You hit me it is over!”
Though he has not hit me yet, it seems as though he comes closer and closer. His comments are rude, and started accussations that I am looking at other men. He has forced himself on me while drunk as well. When sober he accusses me of making him drink, and will hold the beer up making a face at me. I am so hurt emotionally by him. Though I have tried to have intervention with his family, they all but one of them deny he has a problem. I have tried to get him to realize he has a serious problem to no avail. I have finally decided to stay in it for the worst right now because I don’t have a financial means to take care of myself and 2 older children. This year I started college to prepare for the worst in the future. And now knowing his dad has a terminal cancer, I realize there will be no future for my husband to get well. Since he now uses his fathers illness to drink as well. His grandfather died last year and there were a couple of nights he decided to not come home after work. So now I can only imagine what he will be like after his father dies. I want to help him but feel extremely hopless in this situation. He is breaking my heart. I had to share my story of heart break this illness is bringing. You all are not alone and my heart goes out to you all.

I am married 31 yrs. to an alcoholic. Our sons are also, so is my brother and father. My husband works for 3-4 weeks off shore and is a functioning one. At home he pops the beer at 8 am sometimes. Gets nasty w/me and very political. I have alot of health problems, had brain surgery, eye surgery, diabetes, quit smoking (YAY for me); osteo in knees and hips. My mom lives quite a ways from me and will help me. I am so nervous. I have 11 gorgeous cats that I cannot take and a beautiful golden retriever. All indoor pets. Cats are fixed and declawed. I feel and know he is selfish for putting me in this situation cause I will have to take off while he is gone and lie to the vet and put the pets in the kennel. I am afraid he will do something violent. A long tie ago 23 yrs. he punched me in the face. He was in the military. I got up and punched him back and put him in the brig. He never tries that, but he seems every day to get angrier and angrier. I am afraid he will blow. I used to think he was sick and tired of taking care of me - but I would take care of him if it were the other way around. Also he texts some lady he went to HS with. Sometimes I would let that bother me, but w/ his sloppy drunk habits I don’t have to worry. I just don’t know what to do w/the pets. They have been there for me and kept me sane but I have to move on. I am keeping one kitty. I don’t live near any family either, I am isolated, Help I need info ASAP… Thank You

Hi Katz,

Your post appeared while I was on vacation. You appear to living with a ticking bomb, so i hope you have moved on by now. We are all surrounded by helpful generous people, but you have to tell people what’s going on to let them in. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Sorry about your pets. But remind yourself that whatever happens to them as a result of your actions, they will be better off than they would be if your life ended. Protect yourself.

Hi Everyone,

I have been married to an alcoholic for 14 years now-together for 16. We have three children ages 13, 8, and 6. Just like some of you, his drinking was tolerable for the first couple of years-getting worse every year therafter. His alcohol of choice is beer. He drinks it morning until night. He urinates on our furniture on a weekly basis, and blames me for everything. He mimics me, calls me names, and chooses the alcohol over everyone and everything. He is extremely intelligent-EXTREMELY. Our children are all very smart, also. He is very goodlooking and charming to everyone. When I met him, he was in college, an Eagle Scout, and so sweet. He has had social problems at work-always placing himself in a position where blame is never to touch him. They keep him on because he can do and fix anything. In fact, I can safely say that he would have made a good doctor-when he was more in tune to humanity. He used to be so kind to me-but his compassion was gone immediatly after we were married. He is very close to his mother who is morbidly obese-so she also has and addictive personality. His one sister chain smokes and drinks 64 oz. sodas everyday-even while pregnant. I am not really addicted to anything, but I used to smoke before I had children. I look back on the early years… We were young, I became pregnant, etc. For many years, I hung on to the “good memories”-probably before we were married until about a year into the marriage. Friends and family knew early on that we were a troublesome couple. We went to marriage counseling, involved parents, etc. I had a violent temper-but extreme patience. Counseling and anger management has helped me. I realized that I had to help myself. I will say that I have been very strong and living with this has made me a rock, but I also feel that this has screwed me up in many ways that I honestly am not sure of. It takes a lot to upset me, but when I get there-it’s bad and ugly. I have been in and out of depression. I have been consistantly seeing counselors for the entire marriage-my current counselor for 9 years now. She has always aided me in my progress-I deep down feel that she wants me to leave him so badly-but she has never said. He lies/twists situations to his family, so they never support me and my children. My house has a lot wrong with it because we do not have money to fix it, and my husband is drunk or sick most of the time. I have kept up everything for years, I ended up puting myself through college-earning 3 degrees-magna cum-so that I could survive on my own and take care of our three children. They cannot have friends over, we have had a gutted kitchen for over five years now-insulation haning out everywhere, and tar paper hanging around the outside of our house. The kids feel a little isolated, but I have involved them in many activities to help. The most recent episode is that he was drinking-I know all of the time what he is like, and what to look forward too. No one else can tell sometimes when he has been drinking. Our family on both sides will say, “he was fine when we saw him earlier.” So frusterating. Anyway, he was harassing, teasing me while I was trying to get the kids ready for bed on a school night. That day alone, I had to leave three times due to his harrassment. I took them to my mom’s for an hour. When we returned, he was laying in bed-passed out with an unloaded gun in our bed. It scared me. I do not want a gun in my house at all. He has a license to carry a gun, but what if he is drunk and hurts someone, or what if one of my children gets a hold of it. Everyone is supporting me leaving. My atty. said to leave, that my house wasn’t even safe for my children to live in. My parents are even willing to completely financially support me-even renting a condo for us to live in. I am starting a new job tomorrow. Everything is overwhelming me so much and I feel sick to my stomach constantly. My car broke down-all of this within 2 days. He fixes my car for me-it will cost me $1,000 at the shop. I still haven’t left him yet. He keeps telling me to file. He wants me to leave him-yet I still love him-even though he has endangerd my children and myself-what is wrong with me???? This is where I hate myself. I have lived with this for 14 years. When people ask me why, I just say that I thought he would grow out of it. Many times through the years, I accepted the blame-now I have know idea.

Mitzy,

There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing has been your fault, except failure to put your heart on the back burner and use your head.

Run, don’t walk.

Lori, I so feel your every word. I have been married to my husband for 15 years. We have been seperated for 11 months now and he filed for a divorce 8 months ago. When we first got together drinking was an issue but i gave him the option of me or drinking and he gave it up. Then years later he thanked me and said had I not made him make the choice he would have been dead by now. We have a beautiful 13 year old daughter and I thought, a happy home, until one night he started a fight and told me he was not in love with me and he left.

It’s been one horrible nightmare after another, but to make a long story short, I have been loving one man and living with another. What i mean by that is he had a hidden life i knew nothing about. Women, computers, texting and drinking was his interest; not his family. I have been living in this fog since the day he left and it seems every day i learn something new about this man I loved so deeply. Of course, he denies it all and blames me with everything WRONG in his life. Our daughter refuses to have anything to do with him and of course he blames me for that to. Soon after he left I packed everything that belonged to me and my daughter and we moved out. While packing I found hidden empty bottles all over the house. I am still in shock that i didn’t pick up on this. I never once questioned him in his actions. It all started when his doctor told him to drink a small glass of wine before bed. well, his small glass got bigger and bigger and in time turned into 3 pints a night. The few times i attempted to talk about it it ended in me getting snapped at. so when he left he told me i was controlling.

Anyway i could go on and on with the details but i will spare you. I wish I could have seen this and been prepaired for the down fall. I was so happy with my family until HE destroyed it. Even though it’s been almost a year i still feel as though i am walking around upside down. I’m hurt, depressed, confused, rejected and missing him like crazy but i have learned that i must go on because i have a daughter that needs me more now than ever. everyday is a struggle! Some are easier than others but never the less a struggle. There are days i wish I could climb in bed and never get out but I can’t. i have to push on. Oh, by the way, my to be ex husband is also in law enforcement and and they drink vodka because it has no smell.

I guess what i am saying is DON’T BE NAIVE. Check his emails, check his phone and text, look in the back of his closet and under his bed and if you don’t find anything, great, but if you do you will be a step ahead of the game and unlike me you will not find yourself caught off guard and feeling like a fool for trusting him so much. It took me months to put everything together and the funny thing is his own friends filled in a lot of the missing pieces. it’s sad really to watch the father of my child and the man i love more than life it’s self self distruct, but remember, you can’t help those who are determinded to destroy their lives.

You can however, protect your child and yourself. So, even if you plan to hang in there be ready if and when the bottom falls out. You might consider sticking a few dollars back and having a game plan just in case. It is scary, believe me. I just wish i would have seen it and had a plan. Instead i had to make one up as i went along, but that’s ok too.

God and my daughter and great friends and family have got me where i am now. Oh i miss him and love him and would help him if he called me today but in the mean time life goes on. I still cry myself to sleep some nights and i still dream about him and i am still scared to death but with everyday there is a tomorrow and if today is one of those days then tomorrow will be brighter. when things look their worst, i find comfort in my daughter’s smile. If i can add sunshine to her day then a beam of light has to reflect on me sooner or later. Be strong for your daughter Lori. she is watching your every move, and remember children follow where their parents every move. I will pray for you and your daughter.

My husband and I have been married for 16+ years. He is a functioning alcoholic who is now moving to the non functioning side. He was not drinking when we married and then we had custody battles over our children and the drinking started. He has been verbally abusive to myself and my children. He has left me two other times and has come back within a day. He had quit drinking for a while and things were so nice. He was smiling again, walking, hunting for birds together etc… He travels for a living and has always had a pattern. He first starts with beer, wants to be home and not away and then it escalates to the hard alcohol. He will not answer the cell phone, or he will yell at me, or he will make up things to start a fight. He will not want me to visit, and then he will get mad if I do not show up. He blames everyone around him for his issues and nothing is ever his fault. He will purposely ruin plans, and has told me several times that he does not deserve to be happy.

In April of this year he had some sort of mental breakdown. He stated it was stress or a heart attack. We took him to the doctor and his heart was fine. He was prescribed zoloft and xanax. He started seeing a counselor and the drinking started the same day. He was drinking every day and drunk when I got home from work at 2:30. He told me he was never going to stop and I could just deal with it. He promised he was not going to travel anymore, his suggestion, and was going to seek help so he did not feel this way anymore. On the 4th counseling appointment he took the next job out of town and was gone. He passed out twice at work. Drunk every night and this time he was letting people see him. Oh, if I have not mentioned it, he likes to drink alone. The next thing I know he is making up things I had done wrong again and told me that I would not let him come home. He had me come for a weekend and then our son in the Army left for Iraq the Sunday of that weekend. My husband left me on that Monday when I arrived home from our weekend. He has been seeing another woman, yelling at people at work, threatening them, the lies that are coming out of the wood work are amazing.

He only keeps people around that will not confront him and he is hurting our children. He has stated that our daughter is just a user and has yelled at her and made her cry so she will not confront him on his actions. Our sons are afraid of him and can not understand why he has done this. The last year or so has been the best in a long time and he was actually allowing the kids into his life and heart. Now everything is all messed up. He lies about the girl friend. He will not come home to deal with the mess. He is still out of town working. He calls and says he loves me and wants me to call him, he says part of him wants to come home, he does not want to hurt me and then the next thing I know he is blaming me for our problems, blames others for telling me about the girlfriend, states that I have hurt him. I have been so wrapped up in his alcoholism that I do not know how to function.

How can this disease change people so drastically? Is the mental breakdown part of the alcoholism? He does not want help and there is nothing I can do to help. I filed for divorce and he is stalling at every avenue, but then says that it is all of my fault. Does it get worse with an alcoholic over time? Is this woman really his soul mate? He told me he feels safe when I hold him and nothing when she does? Is the lies part of the disease? How can he not see what he has done to the whole family?

Any help would be appreciated.

Diana,

He does not have a disease. Alcoholism is a choice. Lying and blaming come with the territory, because they help to keep things as they are. He sees what he is doing to his family, and it’s painful, so he drinks more to numb the pain.

He will continue to use you to justify his choices as long as you will let him. This usually means, as long as you are in his life.

Drill this into your brain: it’s not your fault; you are just the excuse.

Dr. Neill Neill,

How do I let go. I love this man very much yet I am tired of the lies. Why can he not see that he needs help? He is hurting our whole family. Is leaving him the only way to save myself? I need help to be strong enough to go. He is calling our friends and telling him our marriage has been bad and it is all my fault, but then he asks how I am doing, what I am doing, etc…. He is doing this with our two sons also. I can not tell them what to do, but he is hurting them also. I hate this choice of alcoholism. Why does he choose this over a family that loves him and has been there to support him for years, no matter what he has done, and we do not deserve this treatment.

Hello Diana, My heart goes out to you. You are right. You do not deserve this treatment. Leaving him is not the only way to save yourself. In fact, just leaving him without doing the personal work sets you up to connect with another man with a drinking problem.

I have a coaching program, not yet announced, for women stuck in the dilemma of leaving or staying. They come to my location for a few days of intensive strength- and clarity-building, followed a few months of telephone work. The point is, you need to be strong to stay and you need to be strong to leave. (The last client, who flew 850 miles to get here, was still with her husband the last I spoke with her.)

I also have a program for high-profile people who want to clean up permanently, but would not consider a residential rehab problem for privacy reasons. You can check out that program at http://www.conqueralcoholism.com

Please call me if you wish to discuss.

Neill

Diana, I know exactly what you are going through. I was n a 26 year relationship. We were very happy in the beginning, it came down to my daughter begging me to leave him. I knew I have wanted to for a long time, but I could not get the courage to do the last step. i am struggling finacially, and now working two jobs to support my children. I still feel so guilty for leaving him ,I do love him still, but I was like a sinking ship there, and could no longer take the mental abuse anymore. I pray to God to forgive me for leaving, but mentally, I am so much more happier, and my children are more stable also… Thanks for sharing you experiences here…

Hello, everyone I thought I would add some cheer to this site. I took have been part of this web site for many months, going back to february this year you will see that I have written many times with tears rolling down my face.

Eventually when you have had enough of the crap that they dish out and blame you for you will leave and it will be best thing you will ever do. Think of all the bad stuff, write it down and then put it all together and you will realise how hard living with an alcoholic is. I left 8 weeks ago, moved north, bought myself a flat took our daughter and I do have a few moments where I miss having someone, and I really thought my husband was the one for me. Now I know that you can never have the relationship that you dream of when you are with an alcoholic, dont waste anytime. Pack your stuff, make some plans, set yourself some goals and run.. It will be the best thing you will ever do.
love to all xoxox

Thank you, Shaz, for all your heart-felt contributions to our community of families dealing with alcohol abuse. I commend you on the strength and determination you have shown in getting yourself out of the swamp of codependent misery and creating a new life for yourself and your daughter.

What you say today so clearly is in sharp contrast to your early ramblings of hopelessness, fear, anger, pain, helplessness, loneliness and codependent love.

Thank you to everyone else whose comments contributed to Shaz’s reclaiming her life.

Love and blessings,
Neill

I understand that we are suppose to be happy leaving the alcoholic. What I would really like to understand is why the alcoholic leaves his family, then the years of lies start to come out, they try and make you responsible for all of the problems and for years you believe it was you, and then they continue to lie and manipulate you after they are gone.

My husband left abruptly for no reason other than to continue to run again. He has been cheating on me. Now after only 6 weeks of separation he is moving in with this lady. What in the hell is going on. We were not having problems. He had a mental breakdown and is on Xanax and Zoloft and drinking worse than ever. He calls our friends and neighbors and tells them lies and then asks them to check in on me as I will need a friend. He keeps saying he will be back when this job is over so we can talk and now I find out after he has a letter sent from the insurance company that he is moving in with this whore he met on the road at the job. Why does the alcoholic hurt the ones they love? Why could he not come home and at least face me? How do I get my heart to understand that I have been rejected after 17 years and raising our family and making his life a whole lot better than where it was headed when I met him. This is the thanks I get. How does he say he still loves me, wants me to keep in contact with him, to count on him, that part of him wants to come home and then move in with this whore. Yes the words about her are strong and she knows about all of the shit he has been causing and the lies yet still continues to interfere in my marriage.

Does the madness ever end. How do I get mad at someone who is so sick in the head and strung out on the drugs and alcohol. How do you get closure and move on when all of the crap is still continually happening

I did not deserve to be treated like this. Our children did not deserve to be treated like this. We have a son in Iraq and John left the day he arrived in Iraq. How can he be so callous and treat our children as if they do not matter. He has completely rejected our daughter and grandchildren. He uses our other son to keep tabs on me and keep him afraid to stand up to his dad and tell him what he feels. He uses the threat of never speaking again to him to control him.

What has our society come to that this is even a choice for living?

Ending a marriage, no matter how bad, is seldom a happy time. Rather it’s a time of grief; you are grieving the loss of your marriage.

No, you and your kids don’t deserve this betrayal and all the pain.

He abuses alcohol and drugs to avoid facing responsibility for himself and the mess he has made of his life. That is fundamentally why the alcoholic blames others and lies,(and threatens in order to control).

You have a lot to be angry about. But don’t let your anger lead to irrational behavior. Get professional help and keep no secrets.
In the meantime, hold your head up and trust that friends and neighbors will see through the lies. Most will.

Also, be aware that when a marriage ends, some “friends” will drift away, and some acquaintances will step up to the plate and prove themselves to be true friends.

Best wishes to you and your kids, and especially to your son in harms way in Iraq.

I have been in a relationship with a functioning “problem drinker” for the last 10yrs, I’m not sure he’s an alcoholic but his father is a recovering alcoholic. He doesn’t seem to crave the alcohol, but he craves the social atmosphere of getting drunk and having fun with the guys. He doesn’t drink often at home, we can have beer in the house for months and he doesn’t have any, but all of his business partners are moderate to heavy drinkers and it’s a receipe for disaster as far as relationships go.

When we first met we went to bars and clubs together with friends and got drunk for fun. I had 2 children from a previous marriage and we fell into a pattern of going out when the kids were with their dad for the weekend. Somewhere along the lines he started stopping after work to have a few beers with the guys while I would go straight home to start dinner for us and the kids. Sometime between working FT, doing all the cooking and cleaning and taking some part-time college courses, I started getting resentful at what turned into his social life that did not include me several nights a week at the bar. I didn’t say anything at those times unless he came home really drunk, missed dinner, or didn’t call etc. It progressed into him occasionally missing pre-planned social gatherings because he forgot about the time while he was drinking with the guys or not calling to say he’ll be late, to not showing up until 11pm. We argued about it and it was always the same thing, he wouldn’t do it again, he didn’t mean to do it, he just gets carried away sometimes but it’s nothing personal against me, he isn’t trying to hurt me.

Things got much worse 3 years ago when he started a business with some of his drinking friends. Now, they have beer in the office at all times, they close at 4pm and proceed to drink in the conference room for a few hours everyday "talking about business" but sometimes it gets way out of hand and he comes home totally drunk, stumbling, slurring words and last year he even got a DUI. That was a wake up call for a short period of time, he was able to admit he gets out of control but he "doesn’t know why" he doesn’t intentionally do this, again he “gets carried away”.

He goes in binges, he can drink every day after work and still come home in time for dinner but then out of the blue, he’ll have several weeks where he’s getting really drunk several nights a week and misses dinner, doesn’t call or shows up very late in the evening. It’s always the same, he was with the guys and they got carried away.

I have given him numerous ultimatums, I’ve threatened to leave and several times I’ve kicked him out. He’d stay in a hotel for a night or so and then he’s back with his empty promises and everything is good for awhile but inevitably he always does it again. Over the last few weeks I’ve been more concerned than I have been in the past because it’s really getting bad again. He spend 2 nights at a hotel after one of his “episodes” of coming home so drunk he could barely walk into the house (and he’s driving home in this condition) and I told him this was finally the last straw that I just couldn’t continue to be part of this roller coaster, he is setting a bad example for my teenage sons and he neglects me and his home. He gave me the same promise as always but this time I told him this was his last and final chance, that he would have to give up the business if this continued because the temptation of the guys drinking every afternoon in the conference room was too great and it might be wise to consider removing himself from the situation. He agreed and everything was going well, I think he understood I was serious this time and he gave up the afternoon drinking binges for several months, although he still had a few beers every day, nothing was getting out of hand.

Then, last night he didn’t come home and didn’t answer his phone (this is what happens when he’s drinking and wants to avoid me). By 9pm I was really worried, usually he’ll sneak away from the guys for a moment to call me at some point but this time I didn’t hear a word from him. I decided to do something extreme and drive over to his office and confront all of them - -however, I had to stop for gas and when I pulled into the gas station I saw his car parked out front and he was in it. I walked over to his passenger door and he was totally passed out drunk, sitting in the driver seat with the car turned off. This was a big eye opener for me, I hadn’t really realized how much of a problem this had become until that excact moment. I was disgusted and scared for him so I proceeded to wake him up, got him to my car and drove him home. On the way home he said he was afraid to come home in that condition so he was trying to sober up before he came home, he swore he was giving up the beer and was going to talk to his partners about the conference "party" every afternoon. Well, I don’t know if he talked to the guys or not but for 2 weeks he came right home from work and I couldn’t smell the beer so I assumed he wasn’t drinking. Two days ago I smelled it on him and said something about it. He said he only had 2 beers after work that day because they had a business lunch somewhere with a client so I let it go but then last night he came home and I could tell he had more than 2 beers, he wasn’t totally drunk but he was ½ way there – now today I told him once and for all this has to be over.

We aren’t married and I really don’t want to be part of this "so-called" relationship (we have sex every few months, we don’t go on dates or movies etc) and that I wanted him to pack up and leave by this evening. Now he is begging me to give him one more chance and I bought into it for a moment by telling him if he removed himself from the business I would see that as a clear indication that he was serious this time. He told me he can’t do something that drastic, he loves his job and isn’t willing to give it up and the business isn’t the reason he gets “carried away” when he’s drinking but that he is quitting this time for good. He is really making me feel guilty about my decision but why doesn’t he feel guilty about not being able to remove himself from the temptation of the daily “conference party”. He could easily get another job or start up his own business so I feel it’s mostly the afternoon drinking that he isn’t willing to give up.

I’ve only been married 3 months and I am already considering divorce. Simply put - I am devastated that my husband has already physically abused me twice. We’ve known each other for 12 years and it is obvious to everyone we know that he has a drinking problem. He is the BEST functioning alcoholic we’ve ever known. Despite his issues, we have always been the best of friends and lovers. Our on again off again relationship was due to his alcohol abuse and in all honesty, I had a problem with it too back in the day. Never on the same level as he did/does but I was right there along side of him drink in hand from 10 a.m. to 4a.m. the next day.

It is so hard to break relationship habits. The last time we broke up (before we got married) I realized I had a drinking problem and went to AA. We were apart for 9 months without any communication. He was living with someone else at the time. I was getting help for my addictions and he was living it up with an alcoholic woman who was heavily into cocain use. Their volitile relationship came to an end and he called me again. I had to admit that I missed him. He was and is my best friend. So we got back together in April for this year. Moved in together in May, he proposed in June (I was SHOCKED) and married in August. By September, things were already 6 feet under. My initial response was to SEEK HELP! I was strong enough for the both of us… and he was not to drink another drop of liquor, beer, wine… whatever. That worked for about 30 days before I realized I was assuming the role of mother, warden and town sherrif. I didn’t like that one bit.

We tried marital counseling and that didn’t work for him. NOTHING worked for him except the love of his life… Wiskey.

I gave in. Told him he was responsible for his own recovery and that I would not police him. I also made it clear that if he ever lay another finger on me again I would call the cops and that he would regret hurting me for the rest of his life. So just 3 months after our blissful moment of "I do, I promise… blah blah" here I am… at 8a.m. on Thanksgiving Day looking up websites to help guide me. WTF do I do now… I keep asking myself. "Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble… and if I go there will be double." Do I love him enough to stay? Yes I do. But, why would I want to stay a lifetime when I’m not getting anything out of this?

After reading dozens of articles on the subject I realize I AM A VICTIM of his bad choices. I’m being punished every second of the day and consumed with grief over something that has NOTHING to do with me. And yet I find it so difficult to leave. Why is that? What is my problem?! I know what my problem is. Its codependency, its losing myself in this cycle of Alcohol because I don’t want to walk away and admit that I made the wrong choice. I don’t want to have to face my family in friends that have known so long what a huge mistake I was making and say "You were so right." No. I’m going to FIGHT for my marriage. Well… what exactly am I fighting for here? An unattentive husband that lies through his teeth and acts like I’m the STUPIDEST chick on the planet? A guy who would rather touch himself than touch me? A man who just 3 months ago couldn’t hold back telling me his dreams and goals for our future but now is so withdrawn that he’s got me thinking he’s involved with someone else?

I’m not sure why I’m sticking this out. "I love him. I married him." BUT JESUS! This is a onesided relationship here and he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing and seems to enjoy the mental manipulation. Its a power struggle I just don’t know how to get out of. I find myself crying every night to myself thinking "i just want things back the way they were in April" If we could only go back I would do so many things differently. We got married and he turned against me… became his father. My therapist says some men do this. They get married and they turn off as easily as a light switch. You never see them again… what you do see is his transformation into his father. Well that’s definately happening here. His father is a loud obnoxious alcoholic that thinks he is just the end all be all of the male race. Cheated on his wife from day one. And his poor mother is that… a poor excuse of a woman. An alcoholic as well. Couldn’t confront anything even if it slapped her in the face. Fake. All of them. Unwilling to admit they have a serious problem and that they screwed up their son badly. So here I am all bruised up on a Saturday night at midnight on my way over to my mother in laws house. Boy, what a huge dummy I am. The poor woman was in shock. I’m sure it brought back her own memories. Yet the next day, she offers him a beer right in front of me. They have NEVER spoken one day about the incident. THAT AMAZES ME!

So here I am. Stuck in this alternate world of love and hate that I know nothing about because I was brought up in a healthy household full of love and understanding. I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark looking for the goddamn light switch. And now I have to go "play pretend" with the man I love the most in my life that doesn’t really exist anymore. I guess I lost him on my honeymoon somewhere. I have to make a turkey and all the trimmings for him while he kicks back wiskey all day. O we won’t be spending it with our families no… he’s managed to see that I’m as isolated as possible. AND of course - "IF I EVER LEAVE HIM - HE WILL KILL ME." yes of course hunnie…. more gravy with that dear?

Carla,

I know you are hurting. You didn’t plan for your life to be this way. And yes, you have been the victim of his bad choices. But continuing to be a victim is your choice.

You have described all the signs of a physically dangerous relationship. Your life is in danger.(The emotional abuse has escalated to physical abuse and he has even threatened to kill you.) You are probably trying to minimize the seriousness of this.

Put you love (It’s more of an addiction to his care than love. ) on the back burner and use your head. Staying alive trumps everything else.

Parkinson’s law: "Delay is the deadliest form of denial."

I married my high school sweetheart at 23. He was already an alcohol abuser by the time he was 18. I just turned 41 and we have two amazing little girls. He has stopped drinking over the past 20 years- a few times for a year or two at a time.

It seems like a alcoholic can never be genuinely happy. Years of being a high functioning heavy drinker have completely distroyed any original qualities that made that person who he was.

I gave 17 years to the success of this person and what do I personally and financially have when I think of leaving? Nothing- other than my self-respect and the hopes that one day I will come across another person who is suppose to be my soulmate.

How do alcholics get all the control and have you believe your invaluable? As a only child with parents still married after 44 years I can’t imagine raising my little girls on my own. Can I stand years of daily evening’s of intoxification? Chris

First this is a great site. I know that I’m not alone, but it can be very hard sometimes. Reading these posts have been very encouraging.

My husband is not a ‘functioning’ alcoholic. He actually just got fired from his job because of his drinking. Although he would love to believe that he wanted to change career, at least that’s what he told me, until I had talked to his boss.

I’m in the process of getting my ducks lined up to separate from him. I would love to think that this marriage could work. But he is in such denial. I have always known that he was an alcoholic.

My father is a recovering alcoholic, and I know that things will never change if he doesn’t stop drinking. I can’t wait around anymore hoping that things will change or that he will realize that he needs to stop drinking. The whole situation just sucks. One of the things that I’m struggling with is that he is a nice guy. He’s not a mean drunk,or a a**hole in anyway. He loves his kids. but not enough to stop drinking.

I just can’t live this way anymore, worrying if he’s going to make it home at night, or am I going to get a call that he’s got a DUI or something worse. I have to take control of the situation and focus on me and my kids and that’s it.

I almost wish he was a jerk; it would almost be easier. SO that’s the point that I am at now. I know I have to make the move. If not for me and for my kids. Which might be the hardest part of all.

Thanks for reading/listening. Take it one day at a time and find courage.

Chris and Kasey,

You both have kids and you wonder about raising them on your own. Remember this: children learn what they see modeled.

If you want your kids to grow grow up and
(a) choose a partner with a budding substance abuse problem, and
(b) believe that if they marry, they should stay with their spouses no matter how bad it gets,

…then stay put.

I cant beleive it’s taken me another 9 months but I finally found the courage to tell him he had 24 hours to seek help or that was it …. unsurprisingly he chose the wine … guess I always knew he would. Although, like Kurt, my heart keeps trying to overrule my head, for the first time in 5 years i feel free … he’s moving out tomorrow.

I dont know what the future holds, but at least I know I have a shot at being happy now. I’d like to say to anyone in my position, dont leave it as long as I did … things will never change - have the strength to leave NOW xx

My wife of 29 yrs has been an alcoholic for the last 10. She has been in and out of treatment and was only able to be sober for about 1 yr. in 2007.

I have given everything I have into helping her fight her addiction, only to be hurt and abused. I raised 3 kids thru their teens while she drank and she embarrassed all of us along the way. They have all grown up to adulthood and tell me, it’s time for me! I have been living with her and have been living alone at the same time. I learned thru co dependency counseling that by catching her from falling, I was enabling her. I used to believe that this is just the trials of marriage and that it will work it self out. I am almost 52 and I want my life back! Seems all the lawyer info is geared towards rights for women, I understand and completely agree to that, but what can, a man like me do? and where do I turn for legal help. I am so tired of working hard and coming home to a demanding and verbally abusing drunk who will not get a job. I feel my heart is so hurt and how she has taken me for granted is just wrong. What rights do I have and how and what do I do to get a life my kids and I feel I deserve? Thanks,

Dear Dave,

The legal situation isn’t as biased as it used to be, but it still varies from province to province. Find a good family lawyer, preferably a woman (my bias), and just do the best you can for both of you. You will be released from bondage, she certainly isn’t happy where she is. You do her no favour by staying.

Alcoholics seldom make the move to leave, no matter how much they want to. It’s up to you to put your heart on the back burner and just do it.

In your favour, legally is the fact that you have asked her to work and she repeatedly refused.

Wow! I feel as though we r living the same life! In the begining of our marriage we both drank. But once the kids come your supposed to "grow up". Well I did and his drinking progressively got worse. Its so text book its scarey! After our 2nd child it just got really bad. Cheating (including texting!)Lieing stealing ect.

I had enough - so january made my decision to leave. To this day the decision is killing me because I truely love him. (Why I really don’t know!) But I do and am now figuring out that I’m in love with the idea of what could have been if only drinking wasn’t an issue. But it is the right decioion bc I can’t change him, I can’t make him love me the way I want him to. It is just simply not fair to put the children in the situation. Better to remove them from it. Which is why I left for them and me!

After he left he went down hill fast. Lost his job, in the hospital (2x’s) for pancreatitis and almost died. He back living w his parents. Yet he still has not hit rock bottom! Everyone tells me that one day I will be happy. In general I am a happy person but very sad to have been put in this situation and now left to deal with the feeling of rejection. Let me just tell you I have never slept so well ~ I don’t wonder where he is or who with, what’s his mood will be like when he gets home. What a weight lifted!!!!

So you are the only one to make the decision for your future. Thank you for letting me share. I always felt so alone in this situation. We will SURVIVE!!! God bless!

Dear Valerie,
Thank you for sharing, its so good to know I am not alone in this difficult time. Life is too short to ignore what could be and what should be! all I wanted was to be loved and be true. Life is such a mystery and yet such a challenge.I really believe that there is true harmony and true love. What happened to me is not new but needs to be known so it can prevent future suffering. I am really scared of the future that awaits me but I want to believe its going to be better. All that is good shall prevail.
The way of truth will keep me together and save my tears for the days of joy that await me. It is all I have to keep me alive. Yes, I too will survive!!
Thanks again,
Dave

Isnt it beautiful to have so many wonderful people write about their problems with their alcoholic spouse. It will be my anniversary on this site one year on the 13th february, I could fill pages and pages of the same stuff that everyone else is writing on here. Being let down, abused, thinking it was me, changing myself, Alanon, deciding to stay or go, trying to get him to stop, whinging at him etc etc etc. As written above Dr Neill can see how much my attitude has changed since I left this year and moved up north.
No it has not been easy, and yes there are days when my heart feels like I left it back on the floor at our last house, I miss the man I thought he could be, I feel in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable, who cannot face his own terrible pain. I did not marry the man that I left, he wasnt like that 14 years ago, yes we had some problems, but the problems escalate as the years of drinking progress. Everyone hopes with all their hearts that one day they are going to hear the person you love say I will stop and I love you and it will all be better. The man I left this year that I thought was my soul mate and would love me forever, has gone further down the tubes, he had a sexual harrassment claim against him at the club where he works, he gets into fights because I am not there to pick him up at the club before he is too drunk, his daughter wont go to his house because he abuses her sending her horrible text messages and she found porn on his computer. The man I married was not like that, so alcohol takes away that person and enablers like I was who fixed everything for the alcoholic have to just put ourselves first and I realise now everytime I get down, that now I have the peace I longed for night after night when he was drunk and out of his head and I have this site to come back to when I forget how horrible it was
Happy xmas to everyone, it is a hard time of year for all of us
shaz
xx

Hi Barb,
I am responding to your post specifically because I am exactly where you are at. I have been married for nearly 25 years, but known for ten or so that I would never have married my husband has I known what I was in for. It is heartbreaking, because we have two beautiful childeren together. But I just do not love him anymore, after years of being emotionally neglected by the alcoholic. It’s the lonliest place in the world and I would rather be alone than with him and in a loveless marriage. I hope to be able to muster the strength to leave, and get my “self” back. I hardly recognize myself as I used to be, and the stress is overwhelming, to the point where I feel physically sick. It’s time for therapy for me, and then for 2010, attempting to separate. I will hope to be on threads with you, having a lot in common. Thank you for sharing.

Before I married my husband, he use to drink everyday. He his functioning alcoholist. He currently deployed and informed him that I am tired of his drinking. I told him that life is to short and why care more about the bottle. He stated that he love and tired of the sermon. I thought by being honest it would help. Part of me feel bad and on the other hand happy. I love him and care about him. The bottle have to go!

Sharon and Shaz

Reading your comments helps me to refocus my feelings of guilt and remorse for leaving my alcoholic husband to a reaffirmation that I have done the right thing. It took 29 years to do it. I look forward to a better future with a possibility of true intimacy. Please do not wait as long as I did. It only gets worse

Hi Lori

Your story sounds like mine. I just caught my alcoholic husband texting another women. We will have been married 12 yrs. in March. He too, was sober for about 3 yrs. and fortunately he was sober at the time of my dads death and was there for me. I am now trying to figure out what is best for me and our 4 children. I would love to chat. Read the alanon book if you have one. It helps to start the day w/ a focus.

Take care
Sue

Everything you said and everyone has said on this forum is so familiar to my life. My wife’s father passed away in December ‘08 and instead of being there for her continuously through such a difficult time, I got angry about his passing because I loved her father too so that was the beginning of the end of our marriage and my surrender to the bottle.

She wanted to fix me for so long but how could she? My only sober moment was for about 1/2 hr in the morning when I had my coffee. She feared driving 1 mile to the grocery store, never knowing how much did I drink. Or if I would come home that evening because I drank a lot while driving home. Hidden in Derr Park water bottles. I was a functioning alcoholic for my entire adult life. Thought I was on the road to being an alcoholic at age 19 and could not admit those words to myself until I was 40. My wife was to be my first and only marriage.

We had a beautiful wedding filled with the purest of love in September ‘07 and here it is Jan ‘10 and I have been separated for 6 months. I became sober, finally, before she left but the pain and depression I caused her to feel was just too much to stay in the marriage. I threw away the most beautiful love in the universe because I was powerless over alcohol. As alcoholics, we don’t mean or even know we cause so much pain. It is beyond human control and logic to stop it. I am actually a very intelligent, compassionate, loving, tender man but the alcohol stole that from me…until now. I have made a lifelong pledge and committment to myself and only for myself that I will never and can never touch alcohol again. I really like who I am and who I have become and wouldn’t lose that again for all the riches and temptations in the world.

Unfortunately, in addition to my marriage probably about to end in divorce, I will most likely be homeless in the next couple of weeks because of a major company layoff. But I will be sober. Head held high and spiritually at peace.