Alcoholism and Marriage

Hmmm..not sure about the “…there’s hope yet…and it starts with you.” I have been in and out of therapy for 2 years as the wife of a functioning alcholic whom will not believe/agree that he is an alcoholic. The damage it has done to me, despite learning coping mechanisms, learing to combat co-dependancy and protect my daughter and his from his previous marriage from witnessing destructive behaviours as much as possible has been, I feel, insurmountable. I would ask yourself why you are putting saving the marriage before the health and welfare and the opportunity to live as a fulfilling live as possible of you and any children? I’m not out of the woods yet, though seperated for 10 months I feel ‘compelled’ to stay in the relationship - just ’safe’ enough to stay yet not free to life a fulfilling life. And yes, I recognise this is my doing, my being compliant to the co-dependancy I have developed. My long-term friends no-longer recognise me from who I once was…and I want that woman back…it’s a long road and I’m not so sure that it can be a journey travelled by two.

Hi Katherine,

If I have given you the impression that I put the marriage ahead of health, safety and life fulfillment, I apologize. Safety comes first, absolutely. If you are doing the work on yourself, and it appears you have been, then it may be time to ask yourself “Can I accept this man as my partner as he is?” If the answer is “no,” then perhaps it’s time to walk (or even run.)

What I wrote arose from the fact that so many people start with blaming their partner’s drinking for their unhappiness and end the marriage without taking a look at themselves. The choice is to look inside of yourself now or to do it later in your next marriage. Ugh!

My wife and I have each been in three long-term marriages. We are now in our 27th year with each other. No, it often cannot be a “journey travelled by two” until it’s the right two.

And one more thing: give yourself a big boost by replacing “coping” and “combating” with “transforming.”

I hope this have been of some help.

Neill

never thought that marriage would be like this. There’s rarely any communication between us. As for sex,I can totally live without it because I can never compete with the attention and care that he seems to give to his bottle. Of course he seems to maintain his sexual drive because I continue to be that loving wife, even though I feel so alone. Even though my husband is a functioning alcoholic as far as work is concerned and paying bills, he isn’t functioning when it comes to this marriage. And sadly I’ve been advised by an older christian women, that I should be thankful that my husband drinks at home and pays the bills but by knowing the God I serve, my God has told me that I have a right to expect more out of my marriage. Marriage to me is complete intimacy of the heart and soul. Therefore I hold no bitterness towards that older lady’s advise.

i feel exactly the same way that Linda feels, I would love to run, but I can’t afford to do it financially. It would take me a few years to pay down debt to get to the point of being able to afford to be on my own with my girls…

I have been in a marriage for 28 years with an alcoholic spouse. She was sexually abused by her older brother when she was a small child for several years. That is where the problem begins, however. I have been the enabler and finally I am starting to try and change my behavior. I have made it way to easy for her to continue her drinking. I am now getting my ducks lined up to end this dreaded nightmare.

Dear Tom,

 You note serves as a reminder that there are many alcohol-distressed marriages out there where the alcoholic is the woman, not the man.

Thank you.

Neill

I have scoured the web for information like this and appreciate the forum. I have, within the last 4 days separated households from my Wife, who will admit to "managing all issues in her life with alcohol", but will patently deny she has an alcohol dependency problem, and refused to address it - as far as she is concerned, it is not a problem for her. I have been asking her to address the problem for almost 3 years, nothing has changed, recently it has gotten worse. As I read many posts from websites, it seems that is a common theme that rings loud and clear from those that have the courage to exit their situations, which is "I can’t believe I have stayed so long", they wish they would have left years earlier and they are healing and finding happiness. I have been out for a few days and already feel relieved, sad for sure, but when I think about going home tonight I am looking forward to it, not necessarily to being alone, but not being degraded and ignored by a drunk Wife who does not consider me in anyway.

If you are on the edge of leaving, if you are out of ideas and getting no encouragement from the offender, my advice is follow through on your instincts - you can’t ever get the time back and you will wake up one day (if you stay in the relationship) and be too old to care about the quality of the rest of your life. I feel like I am healing by the minute.

Justin,

Thanks for the note. I can’t believe how difficult life can be when your partner is an alcoholic. T

hank you for the comment, I do appreciate it. I wish you the best.

Thank you Tom

My husband and I have been married 11 years this January. He has been an alcoholic for the entire time I have known him. He stopped drinking for about 3 years but started back I think around 2 years ago. I am finding myself scared and at the end of my rope. My father passed away in December (almost 1 year ago) and I have been trying to cope with that. My husbands drinking and inappropriate behavior over the last year has felt like a slap in the face. In January and March I found him texting and having lunch with 2 different women. And the drinking as become completely out of control. He was hospitalized about 6 years ago with Pancreatitis and could have died. At that time he was drinking over a 5th of vodka a day (everyday, even at work). This time he has gotten on Jim Beam. I am finding countless (empty) 1/2 gallons of Jim Beam around the house. I love my home and don’t want to leave, but I can’t afford it on my own. I know I need to leave. I do love him, but I feel more like his mother than his wife. He is drunk all the time and seems like a small child in his behavior. He talks slow, his gaze is glassy and out of focus, he stumbles, and forgets things. We have a 9 year old daughter that I feel so guilty about subjecting to this lifestyle. I know this is the time to do it. We just refinanced our house and paid off everything we had financed together except the house. We could sell it, split the money and be done. I am just so afraid to take that step. We were separated once before for 11 months when she was around 2 years old. We got back together because I couldn’t stand to leave her with him and it was easier to just be there with her. I am only 33 years old and I feel like I am wasting my life and probably damaging my child’s as well. What makes things worse is my husband is a law enforcement officer and I don’t want to ruin his reputation. He needs help, but I can’t do it anymore. His father is his best friend and he is just as much an alcoholic and really responsible for starting the whole mess. I guess I just need some encouraging advice. I feel so alone since my dad died, just really really depressed and hurt. I feel so hurt that he would put me through so much extra pain, on top of the loss I have to cope with already. Thanks. Lori

On 22nd December I finally “cracked” and kicked my husband out. We have been together for 21 1/2 years, married for 18 1/2 and have two sons, 15 and 12. He has been an alcoholic for that whole time but the abuse escallated in the last few years after someone committed suicide by jumping under his truck. I tried everything I could to help him, not realising how codependant I was being. I got so stressed towards the end, that I was getting physically ill. My health problems over the last few years include depression, migraines, back ache, stomach pains etc. As soon as he left those problems have been vastly improved! His health has deteriorated so much over the last few years that he is impotent and has liver problems ( nearly cirrosis). He has chosen to keep drinking, rather than go through rehabilitation and counselling so that we can live together again. We are both children of alcoholics and I think we attracted each other because of it. Finally I am putting myself and my children first and not letting him drag us down any further. Financially I will be better off - he was spending $300 - $450 per week on booze - no wonder we were going backwards! If anyone reads this, please know that you Can do it - you can leave him/her and have a better life. No matter how much you try to fix them, the alcohol will always win in the end. Good luck

So…what are the literal steps when you want to leave an alcoholic husband?

Find a divorce lawyer? Find an apt? Trade in your car for an undistinguishable car?

What do you do first, second, third???

Obviously, I’m about to leave but want to know what to do when to benefit and protect me most. Any stories on that?

Hi Leigh,

Every woman’s situation is unique, but the first thing to do is decide whether you will be in any danger. Women are most at risk of being harmed by their partners at the point of leaving and during the first year or so afterwards. This decision will have a bearing on everything else.

Next, find and talk to a lawyer and work out a strategy for separation.

When everything is in place, make your move. Sometimes it’s best to do it when he’s away, but you will have worked that out with your lawyer.

One woman I know moved out with the children to a safe house, immediately got a court order to get him out of the house and her and kids back in, got a restraining order and changed the locks. In another case she had to move half way across the country for her safety, and work through a lawyer and family members to get her due. It usually comes down to this: work out a plan as if you are single, then do it. It’s not about winning an argument, it’s about taking charge of your life again. I hope this has been of some help.

Best wishes. Neill

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We’ve been together for 6 and have known each other for 15. He’s mentioned a handful of times in the past 6 years that he feels he’s an alcoholic. I’ve known this the entire time we’ve been together. He comes from a very abusive past, has struggled with low self esteem (which I feel has actually gotten better). However, He cycles - about every 4 - 5 months he hits a low. While in the “low” he drinks every night, excesively (8+ microbrews). And this happens for about a month, then things get better and he’s back to 3 or 4 beers a night, he’s happier. During during his “cycle” it’s impossible to talk to him. He gets very defensive (NEVER abusive). He just closes up and drinks. He becomes emotionless, sometimes overly sensitive.

This is very difficult for me because our marriage will be great, and then all of a sudden it crashes during this time, then after a coule weeks or so it’s great again. I don’t know if what i’m doing is enabling this cylce or what. I know that a huge part of this is his drinking. I’ll try to talk to him about it when things are good and he just says that he loves the taste of beer and then he can’t go without it. He doesn’t see this as a cycle. He usually just blames this on something I’ve done, maybe it is, but it isn’t entirely. I really think that root of the issue is his self esteem. I do get very impatient when he starts drinking exsively.

I should also include that He is very responsible. He just started his own business, he takes his work very seriously. Never has he missed work due to a hangover or anything like that. That’s another reason why it’s hard to bring it up. He’s very responsible, yet he clearly has a drinking problem. He refusing to seek help.

I’ve been spending time on this site, thank you all for providing your comments, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. This is the first time that I’ve branched out and gone to a site like this for help in understanding alcoholism. Any comments would be so meaning. Thank you.

Good morning. I am happy to have come across this web site. I am crushed this am. I am married to an alcoholic who has had periods of sobriety throughout our 13 yr marriage, but cannot get sober this time. He started drinking again about 3 yrs ago. Finally after several failed attempts to quit on his own went to an inpatient rehab center. He has been home for 3 month and we were just starting to feel hopeful enough to try to start putting our marriage together again. He came home at 2:00 this morning, so drunk he could barely stand. I don’t know what to do?? I know I cannot live with his active alcoholism but when do I give up. When is it a relapse vs a slip?

When, as a wife and mother of our 9 yo do I give up?

Stacy,
I understand what you are going through. My husband and I go through the same thing every couple of months. My husband is a drinker and comes from a family (mostly father and uncle) of drinkers. Latley the drunken yelling has really become incredibly embarressing as my husband left on 4th of July weekend after drinking large amnts of beer (which subsiquently led to a HUGE blowout infront of my family and friends before he left.) During his worst, I am the b*tch who has ruined his life and he usually storms out whilst telling me he wants a divorce. But during his best he is very loving towards my daughter and I. He has always been a big drinker (several beers a night to a case every day or so) and he acctually quit drinking certain types of hard alcohol after some very very bad nights. I love him so much but I am at the point that I dont even want alcohol in our home, we have very little of a sex life as I dont even feel the urge most of the time, and I find myself feeling incrediby depressed (like Im backed into a corner and I have to watch what I do and what I say). He knows he has a drinking problem and he has said he will stop but it never happens. What can I do?? We are at the point that if another incedent, while he is drunk, happens, we may not be together afterwards as its to emotionally stressful for me and Ive told him that I will not tolerate it any longer.

My husband and I have been married 7 years. I just moved out 3 days ago, feeling like I had no other choice. He drinks just beer, every day, at least 6 most days. Only beer now, quit the “hard stuff” not but 6-12 months ago. Even with the threat of me leaving, and actually doing it, he wouldn’t commit to “quitting.” He’s admitted he has a problem but he’s let me go. He’s blaming me, he says I gave up on him. I under no circumstances want our marriage to end but this is my last resort. Is there still hope for us? Is there hope for him?

My husband and I have been married 1 year. During this time, he has gotten drunk and left me about 9 times. The last time he left, he was sober but wanting desperately to drink, and getting mad and leaving me was a great excuse. I knew him for several years before we married and knew he drank, but had no idea the extent. When we dated, if he drank too much he stayed at his home, stating he didn’t want my children (13 & 15) to see him. After we married, all that changed. He came home drunk, yelled at them, yelled at me, blamed all of us for his drinking. I have not let him come back since the last time he left, which was about 5 weeks ago. Ironically, I had reached the point of letting him go - I was okay if he never came back. His verbal abuse had escalated to the point that I was afraid it would turn physical at any minute. My oldest daughter can’t stand to be around him and my youngest is like her mother - always willing to give one more chance. Now that I have reached the bottom and was prepared to let go, he has decided to change - attending AA, staying sober, going to church (first time in 15 years), and saying all the right things. He appears to have his anger in check but still does not trust me - he is extremely jealous although I have never cheated on him (his ex-wife did). I know only time will tell if this is real, but even if it is, I am so scared to do it all again. And how long do you wait to see if it is “real”? Every time he left and came back, it was with promises to change, which never lasted. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I am in the same situation. I am so torn between leaving and staying. I ask myself every day why I put up with the mental agony that he puts me and the kids through. I ask this question…What is healthier for the children when you are living with a functioning alcoholic? To stay and protect them from being alone with the alcoholic or to leave and risk them being in the car while he is drinking…or home passed out and unable to respond to an emergency. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Ree, I have been through this too. A year ago, I was at the point you were at. My husband got so drunk and yelled and screamed at me horrible things…and then told the kids (ages 5 and 9 at the time) that he was leaving me because I was a bad wife. I was so angered by this, but I remained calm and let him leave. In the 3 days he was gone, I was at 100% peace with it. I was done. My husband came crawling back though and did all the things you are describing. An outpatient rehabilitation treatment program, AA every night, counseling etc. Life was OK, but it never had the chance to continue improving because he relapsed once the holidays approached. He’s been strugling every day since and I regret not moving forward with the separation last year. I could be out of this relationship at this point. He is now back to denial again. Stating he can have 2 beers and be fine, yet his behavior is SO irratic that it is embarrasing. He stormed out in anger at our Thankgiving Dinner at my families house and still isn’t home now. He is on his way though, (3 days later) and I am paralized with fear. Only you can make up your mind what is best, but your children (and mine) deserve a peaceful childhood and unfortuantly, with an alcoholic step-parent…they are not going to get it. One more thing…my oldest who is 18 now…has decided it is easier to be gone and at friends houses than to be with us. He wouldn’t even spend Thanksgiving with us. Ask yourself where you want your daughter to be in a few years…with you or avoiding the alcoholic. Good luck. You are in my prayers.

Lori,
I’m not sure when you posted your comment, but I know what you mean about leaving the children unattended with him. I feel the same way! It is the ONLY reason I stay. Have you gotten any advice? Let me know if you did. Good luck!

To Beth, Ree and every other mother who is torn between leaving or staying.

Your kids’ emotional health is far more dependent on how well you parents handle conflict than on whether you are together or apart. If he is verbally or physically abusive towards you, get out for the sake of the kids.

When your daughter grows up,would you want her to stay with an abusive man no matter what? If your answer is “no,” then don’t model that behavior for you children.

My book will help you sort this out.

Neill

Dear Dr. Neill and Beth,

Thank you for your responses to my post. Since my last post, my husband has decided that AA is not for him and has stopped going. I understand that not everyone benefits from that type of program, and he is a very private person, so it does not surprise me. He is still being very active in church and says that being there is all he needs. He swears he has not been drinking at all and that his whole attitude has changed, that he understands where all the anger came from and knows how to control it since the alcohol is gone. I am really doubtful that 15+ years of alcohol abuse has been “fixed” (his word) in 10 weeks, but he believes it. He does not understand why I can’t just forget about the last year of verbal and emotional abuse – after all, it wasn’t his fault, it was the alcohol. He doesn’t seem to comprehend that he is the one that decided to drink the alcohol.

I still feel so torn about what to do, but my girls and I have finally started getting our relationship back and I don’t want to risk it. I still love him, and I feel like a coward for not being willing to take a chance, but if he comes back and this blows up again, I don’t know that me or my children can take it. I feel like no matter what choice I make, I hurt the people I love. There really is no easy way out.

Beth,
Thank you for the prayers and please know that you, and anyone else in this situation, are in mine. I hope that you and your 18 year old can mend your relationship. My oldest daughter (soon 16) tried to move out the last time I let her step-father come home, but her daddy refused to let her stay with him - said she needed to learn how to deal with it. That was a real wake-up call for me. I was so busy trying to earn my husband’s trust and respect (which I should have had to start with) that my daughter no longer trusts me to keep her safe emotionally. I’m trying to do everything I can to undo the damage I have caused, but it is a slow process. Good luck with your son - I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I imagine hundreds, if not thousands, of spouses/partners are reading this site today. I used to believe the holidays brought out the best in people but after 20+ with an alcoholic I realize the holidays bring out the worst. It dawned on my yesterday why I hate to host Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners; why I don’t decorate for the holidays; who would when the holiday is always spoiled?

Yesterday, I found the courage to do what’s best for me: I told my husband to leave my home. That I did not want alcohol in my house, basement or garage. Emotionally, I left him months ago as I conscientiously took steps to rebuild my life without him in it. Now that is paying off for I feel I can have a better life that does not pinge on his presence. It has not been easy. As a matter of fact it’s been heartbreaking. Who wants to believe that a drinking spouse will choose booze over the relationship? That’s the worst! But it is true. The alcoholic always chooses boose over you, and will always do so.

I knew my marriage was ready to be dissolved when I admitted to myself that if I had to do it all over again I would not marry him. Talk about a huge breakthrough. You might “think” that thought…but until you actually say those very words out loud to yourself, and then to a trusted friend, you aren’t ready to leave the marriage.

I’m torn between feeling hopeful that I can lead a fulfilling life as I turn 47 and feeling that I’ve wasted 20 years on a life of arguing, heartwrenching exchanges, and relationships ruined. If you are reading this please say a prayer for me so I can make it to the next stage with my sanity in tact.

Good luck to you.

He’s finally REALLY admitted it. He even called and told his parents. What do I do now? How do I support him without shoving AA, ect. down his throat? I’ve been living w/my parents for 3 months and I don’t feel it would be right to rush home…even though he wants me there for support and motivation. What is my role?

There is nothing that stresses a marriage more than alcoholism. It isn’t an occasional drink we’re talking about, here, but a third party to the relationship, with more influence in the alcoholic’s life than the spouse. Alcoholism alters the marriage, often adding violence and risking the lives, careers and health of everyone. Many marriages and families have survived alcoholism, but, unless recovery is maintained, none thrive.
—————-
Brukewilliams

Alcoholism Information

So my feeling as far as alcoholism and marriage goes is this: if there is any kind of abuse involved, that you leave – without question!! Putting your (and your children’s) lives at stake is a risk you just cannot take. And if you find it difficult, just think of the kids and the harm you’re doing them by leaving them exposed to that kind of environment. You may not be responsible for your husband or wife’s drinking, but you are responsible for leaving your kids. ——————————————– Juliana url="http://www.alcoholisminformation.org”]DoFollow[/url

My husband is also a highly functioning alcoholic. Although he’s not physically violent towards me. I think I have been suffering from a form of emotional abuse that has left me feeling very uncertain about many thing I once took for granted. I am now even questioning my husband’s true sexual orientation.

We’ve been married for 9 years and the first year of our marriage was fantastic. Although he drank, it wasn’t a major problem as far as the marriage was concerned. He worked away from home a lot and I knew he drank more during those times but when he was home he seemed to be able to control his drinking. The problems for me started out of the blue when I organised a surprise weekend away to celebrate our first anniversary. He knew I had something nice planned but when the time came, he just didn’t come home from work that weekend. He was working interstate and chose to stay and attend a lunch with some male work colleagues. He didn’t phone me or get anyone else to phone, he just didn’t turn up.

Shortly after that, we were asleep one night and I rolled over and accidently touched him, he sat bolt up right, got straight out of bed and angrily accused me of ‘fiddling’ with him. He always sleeps with very tight underpants on and I if I were asked to give a description of his body I would be at a loss because I’ve hardly ever seen him fully naked since our first year of marriage. The has been no intimacy since then. I have tried to get him into counselling and when I asked him to please come to counselling after our second anniversary, he said the problem wasn’t me but due to the pressures of his work (and problems with his family) He felt they were just too great for him to deal along with with issues surrounding intimacy as well. He asked me to please wait until he retires, which was six years in the future and then it will all be alright. I love my husband and so I waited and believe me it just about sent me batty! He’s been retired now for almost almost two years and instead of improving the problems surrounding intimacy have deepened.

I am his second wife and I now know he and his first wife slept in separate bedrooms for at least the last the last ten years of their marriage. He says that’s why the eventually broke up but he won’t discuss it any further than that.

I have tried to get counselling for us in the past but it only made matters worse. The couple of times when I’ve raised the issue since he retired, he’s become very angry and taken to hitting himself, smashing his watch (he’s done that twice) or the most frightening of all, he’s gone to the kitchen, picked up the large butcher’s knife and threatened to cut his penis off. This was all the more frightening given his hang ups around me seeing him naked, in the shower, on the loo etc and vice versa. He says it makes him feel dirty.

This all got too much for me a few months ago and so I moved into our second home, ten miles up the road from him. As a result of my moving out, he’s started drinking even more and has now completely shut down emotionally. He absolutely refuses to speak about our marriage except for basics things like investments etc. the milk bill etc. I even went as far as to outline my understanding of what a marriage of convenience was and asked him is that’s what he felt comfortable with and he thought that sounded just fine because again, he felt I was rushing him. I am in a state of shock. Nine years and I’m rushing him? He said he would see a counsellor (he’s said that before and never done anything) and so I said I would leave it a month and then we discuss the details of either where we go from here or how we separate. He felt one month was too short a time and so we agreed on three months. The relief in his voice was palpable. Not wishing to sound too pessimistic but I’m not holding out much hope that he will have shifted or changed any by then.

I must admit I have wondered if maybe my husband is actually repressing a homosexual orientation. I have asked him in the past but he adamantly denies he is.

I have been attending Alanon meetings and am finding them very helpful regarding the nature of the disease of alcoholism. But I also get the feeling he could be using alcohol as a self medication for deeper problems.

I seem to have come to a dead end in seeking information or advice on how help my husband and I and hopefully our marriage. I worked with a counsellor in the lead up to us retiring but we couldn’t go any further with regard to issues surrounding intimacy because my husband would refuse to engage in couples counselling or throw up other crises with his family etc, that continually took the focus away from our problem. The counsellor was a great help for me and I think it’s as a result of working with her that, when the time came, I was able to move out and at least start attempting to move on with my life.

I should point out that in terms of intimacy, it’s not just a lack of physical intimacy that was withdrawn. There is no spiritual or emotional intimacy either. Apart from generalities, he phased out many years ago. I could be a strange on a bus. He perks up a bit when he’s drinking but there’s no depth to our conversations. He is very cold and aloof. Also I usually have to repeat myself when I do say something because he seems to be in this little world of his own and is never fully tuned in. I should mention too that since he retired 2 years ago, his drinking had increased and before I left, he was starting as early as 10am and hiding his wine in coffee cups behind the computer etc. He doesn’t do ANYTHING except watch TV and sit in front of a computer and he has no desire to do anything. He blames me for his retirement and says he should have stayed working. We retired because we no longer needed to work and so we bought a RV with the intention of travelling the country for a couple of years. He spent years finding the ‘perfect’ RV. We were only on the road for four weeks before he lost interest but wouldn’t say why. I figured it might be because he can’t drink until he passes out. Anyway he says he doesn’t like it and so he’s selling the rig. We ended up going no where.

I realise the nature of my query is very personal but I am working on the notion I am not the only wife in the world who’s experiencing this and that there may be some other avenues I could explore. I want to understand what happened. I don’t feel I can let go without some sort of understanding

I love my husband and would have dearly loved to have had a healthy, fully functioning marriage. In my heart of hearts I know it takes two people willing to do the hard yards to make a marriage work and I can’t make him but for me I can’t seem to move on with my life not understanding what happened. My husband is 58 and I just turned 55. There is still so much I want to do in life. I can’t live in a marriage of convenience any more than I can live the lie of pretending everything is alright when it’s not.

Thank you

How do you know which came first - the alcoholism or the marriage issues? Seems like its the increase in use that has led to the marital problems, but the drinking could also be used to deal with the marital issues.

My husband is definitely a functioning alcoholic and has moved into the apathy/numb stage, where he won’t admit he has a problem, but says he’s not sure why he got married, that he just wants to be alone, of course, because now I’m making an issue of the situation and he wants to avoid accountability.

I want to help him he’s sick. He has been verbally abusive so its hard for me to tell what he’s really thinking and feeling and what he is trying to get me to respond. He seems to be a classic functional type, which suggests if he could just start dealing with it some of his feelings about the relationship of 12 1/2 yrs,  might go back to where they were before he started drinking.

But how can I tell if that’s part of why he started drinking? I want to stay because this new person doesn’t seem like me husband. He had oxycodone for a surgery for a few days and it seemed like the stress of it all melted away and the man I knew was back. He’s obviously overwhelmed by life and responsibility and drinks bc of his anxieties. He’s just not connecting it yet.

He started counseling and is trying to use her to enable his desire to leave. We had a joint session and I tried to show the counselor how he’s manipulating her (lies of ommision and revisonist history). I think she’s sees but not sure she’s equipped to really help him with his mental issues. She keep telling him to workout to improve his mood and relieve stress. I’m like we are so past that, but its his sessions and I doubt I’ll be invited back anytime soon.

I’m trying to move past enabling but there isn’t enough info out here in cyber space to identify the other behaviors I’m enabling besides the drinking and how to stop enabling his stinky thinking, etc. Will he see the light? Would appropriate medication for anxiety help instead of his self medicating? He was called a functional at our shared session, he’s trying to cut back on his own but I’m not sure if that’s making it worse or not. Its so hard to separate fact from fiction. He blames his inability to focus at work on the marriage, not his crazy lifestyle.

Am I holding out too much hope that once this alcoholic idea finishes creeping in and he addresses it that some of these symptoms will improve?

Dear Alice,

It’s often very difficult to tell which came first. However, it is highly probable that the emotional/mental problems are at the root of the problem, and they likely go back a lot further than 12 1/2 years. As he deals with them, the drinking my fade away. Anxiety medication, also highly addictive, may provide some “living space,” but it provides no insight and won’t remove the underlying problems.

If he has developed an alcohol dependency, this may require some treatment too.

You raise a third possibility, that he is just unhappy in his marriage and doesn’t know how to leave without feeling like even more of a jerk. If this is in the mix, and he is getting good counseling for the underlying issues, he should become clearer about what he wants in life.

I’m glad he is working on his stuff. Read the articles on codependency on this site. It may help you get more clarity on areas you may be contributing. The book will give you a lot more help.

Your focus needs to be on you, your well being, your life. You will look back at this time as one of the darkest in your life. I’m sorry you have to go through it.
Neill

I am on the verge of leaving my alcoholic husband - we have only been married for 3 months , with hindsight a mistake. I cannot take the anger and being blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life anymore. The straw that broke me was a weekend with his son where he was drunk constantly - unacceptable in my eyes … please give me hope there is light at the end of the tunnnel ??

Hi Karen,

I think you know that none of this is your fault. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel leads away from the marriage. You have walked into a marriage with a full-blown alcoholic. There is no foundation to build on, so you have nothing to lose by leaving, except a false pride. When the dust settles, you will be proud of yourself for leaving. Don’t wait for the pain to get worse.

There is always hope for a fulfilling life.

You have my best wishes for the good life you seek.

Neill

Karen, I am in the exact same situation. I have been married just over 3 months to an alcoholic. She has struggled for years, but it has become unbearable the last couple of months. Unfortunately, her rants have rolled into the times I have my children, mostly in the form of anger about their mother. This is unacceptable.

I moved out about a week ago. A few days ago she acknowledged her problem and sought help through a program at the hospital. She wants me back, and I miss her desperately. But I can’t go back, no matter how much I love her. And I do love her. But I can’t afford having my kids seeing or hearing inappropriate behavior.

I am grieving for the loss of the one I love. I can only hope for her sake that she can make a full recovery. But I can’t be a part of it due to my having children whom I love more than anything and will always protect.

I just hope I am doing the right thing. My head tells me I am. But my heart is screaming to go back.

Hey Kurt

I feel the exact same way, the is the first time in my life I going with my head and not my heart. Alcohol is a curse, how true if we have been unfortunate enough to fall in love with an alcoholic. The future is extremely sad. We lose are ourselves in denial that the problem is not that bad. We do everything to cover up and even lie to others so they wont worry about us. I havent told anyone half of the crap that I have gone thru with my husband. I told him in the last few weeks that I didnt want to be married anymore, I lived in hope that he might say I’ll change shaz, but he didnt. He tries, and acts nicely and makes me think that it will be different, but then he goes and asks can I drop him to the club. He drinks everyday, lives downstairs and I know nothing will change.

I have changed for some reason. The rose coloured glasses fell off, and I saw my marriage for what it really is. We used to have the best sexual relationship together, but things were always dependent on if he was drinking, how much he had had, etc etc. It has been so hard to tell him I am moving and selling the house, but if I stay, the next 14 years will be the same as the last, and I just cant do it anymore.

Hello Dr.

I have been married for over 4 years to an alcoholic and I have come to drink myself..I hate myself when I drink…I feel that I cannot help my husband because I know he needs to go to rehab, but we need his income..it is distroying our lives and we are not around each other when he drinks, because it becomes an argument..so our sex life if 0000! I worry about the neighbors and others seeing him drunk…

I don’t want to live like this..I love him very much and want him to get help..what should I do?

My husband quit drinking 9 months ago. He claims not to even miss the alcohol. He has not yet quit breaking promises, lying, making excuses for lying and breaking promises, or denying and avoiding responsibility for any aspect of our marriage (emotional or sexual). Every time we go through his entire argument cycle (denial, excuses, reasons he shouldn’t be expected to keep that promise anyway, well if I don’t like it I should just leave, a bunch of yelling back and forth, then he’s so sorry, he sees now that what he’s done has been very hurtful to me and is making no progress, and he’s going to work harder on it, I’ll see, just please give him another chance even though he doesn’t deserve it), because he refuses to work toward solving a problem, unless he’s already tried every last way he can come up with to assert that he should not actually bear any responsibilty in that situation. He never keeps the promise he makes at the end of the cycle, but he wants me to act like he has, because he "intended to" and "really meant it when he said it".

The argument cycle and broken promises started 3 years ago when he was drinking most heavily, and haven’t stopped or slowed down since he quit. What do I do from here?

Hello Heidi,

I feel your pain. Above all, look after yourself.

There are alternatives to rehab if he really wants to change. They may cost as much as rehab, but he can continue working.

I am working on developing such an alternative my self in the next few months. Stay tuned.

Hi Cara,

What you are describing is the post acute withdrawal phase, or “dry drunk” phase of recovery from alcoholism. I’m sure it must be very confusing when nothing changes except the drinking.

The real work of recovery begins after the drinking has stopped. Now he has to recreate his life. It sounds like he hasn’t figured that out yet. See my comment to Heidi, above.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for 6 years. My husband and I have been married for 26 years. He and I met as "drinking buddies’ and continually abused alcohol together the entire marriage until I quit. He still drinks.

He is what I would call a binge drinker. He can go for periods of not drinking or moderate drinking, but he still craves it and uses it as a mood changer and has been ‘drunk’ in front of me over a hundred times since I quit. I can’t take it. It’s a major wedge in our marriage.

I don’t do meetings and never have. I don’t want to drink ever again and I’m not tempted by his drinking. I’m very spiritual and have found peace in most areas but this. He said once to me when we were drinking, "if you quit, I’ll quit" and "why don’t we quit drinking…together". I’m just totally turned off by his personality when he drinks and it’s affecting our relationship. A lot.

I feel like if you’re devoted to your spouse and you claim you can take booze or leave it(he claims this), why wouldn’t you quit for them or at least show some solidarity and not drink in front of them through their recovery. Am I totally wrong about this? I honestly don’t know. I love this man and I hate alcohol. My mother’s an alcoholic, I was raised in New Orleans in a totally alcoholic mentality and family, it is dysfunction at it’s peak. We have four incredible children and I’m getting better every day. I have the greatest relationship with my children and he does too. That’s what makes it so hard. He’s an amazing father and provider. It’s just about us…I mean what about us? I’m getting farther and farther away from him. I just wish he would come on board. "the dysfunction stops here"..that is my motto.

I have only been married for 9 months and seperated for 3 months. My alcoholic wife left me after I called 911 after she was drinking and drink attempting a 90+ mile drive back to our house. All they do is lie and deceive to support their addiction which after much counseling and Alanon groups have affirmed addiction is stronger than love and destroyes everything and all trust. Lying, cheating, deceiving and being so selfish - these are not people that can be married. Remember that. Not even vows matterv to the alcoholic as their morals like them become lost. Tragic and sad. It is as if you swim out to save them all the time. When you feel they are drowning you with them it is over. The worst part is that we spouses can’t save them. ONLY they can. I used to think my favorite 3 words were “I Love You” but they became a desire to hear “I need help”. Go to ivillage.com under alcoholism and read my story on calling 911 on my wife and read all the postings. It will help you too. It is lonely and baffeling. They have no idea of the pain they inflict
Tony

There is no way to live ever happily with an alcoholic no matter how much you convince yourself otherwise. Alcoholism destroys the person drinking and the entire family it WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH. I have been living with an alcoholic for a year and a half and you have no idea how it has changed my life. Wonderful man horrible drunk . GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and for once start living your life like I have. Freedom from this horrible disease. Unless the person really recognizes the problem and desperate for help you are 100% wasting your time and will for ever never be truly happy. GET OUT LIFE IS SHORT

my heart goes out to all of ye it reilly does ive bin married to a funciational alcoholic for 4 years and with him for 18 years tinking he would change and i love him so much it hurts bur he will never change never he tried everything noting works he comes from a family of alcoholics his mam dad sister and brother all anties and uncles on both sides granny and grandad and now cousins and our own son i think will be the same i no he drinks heavily he is 17 sad i should have left him years ago im 35 now and have had enough i through him out at christmas and he lives woth his parents who now cant cope with him either not my probem zanymor

i have to put my kids first

so i tink if hes not going to change wat is the point in staying till im old and cant have a life untill im in my 50s im very lonely and confused and hurt but im happier than iv been in years im trying to buy my own house now so hpefully this will happen it will cause i will make it happen we as parents have a responsibility to our kids to protect them from abuse and harm and if the grow up like this the will think when their older that my mam put up with this all her life why cant i thats not rite i have 3 fab kids and the come first and i want them to be happy and have a brillant childhood and happy life as kids and when the grow up i cant help my husband ive tried for years i give up hes not willing to help himself for his kids then wat sort of a man is he

pray for me please to heal

thanks

I feel so alone. As soon as my husband gets off work he opens a beer and he doesn’t stop drinking until he goes to sleep, beer cans on the night stand… I crave his attention, his love…but I just go to sleep, curled up with my pillows…alone and so sad. I would do anything to have my sober husband touch me and hold me at night, to be able to cuddle with him and talk to him. I think, “if he would only slow down his drinking, but I can’t see that happening”. I want us to make love but I can’t make love to my husband when he is drunk. I feel lost…do not know what to do.

Hey tammy I know how you feel, it is the worst feeling in the world. I have lived with that feeling for years.

I lived in hope that one night he would come to his senses and see what he was doing to me. (There is the key to the problem). What he was doing to me… he wasnt doing anything to me; I was doing it to me. My expectation was that he was going to realise how hurt I was, he would notice all my tears and how my heart was breaking as I watch him consume huge amounts of alcohol night after night. All the nights I waited, for him to come to bed only to find him slouched in the chair, head down passed out. How many nights at social functions he became embarrassing, and I was just wanted to hide. The anxiety I would feel would start weeks before an event was on, and I would start to stress at what I thought would be the outcome. We could never go anywhere that didn’t serve alcohol, and every outing would start or end with a trip thru the drive thru bottle mart. Making love was for in the morning, even though I was a night person, but my feelings were not considered.

Slowing down, restricting days, having a dry house, drinking light beer, 4 beers or 6 beers, drinking only thurs to sun, I suggested everything and nothing worked. He was drunk the other night as I picked him up from the club, and he said " I get drunk, talk shit and you just have to put up with it", I said I have put up with it for 14 years and I am over it. He is a good man half of each day, only you never really have a true intimate bond with an alcoholic, they tell you what they need to get thru another day and you believe it, because you want to believe that there will be a change and better days.

Stand up and say, I have had enough, change yourself and love yourself more and more because if you dont you will be still in the same type of relationship in 1, 2, 5 or ten years down the track. It is really hard to detach, al-anon helps with detachment (friends of alcoholic family groups).

My house sold today I have been waiting for weeks, taken a transfer and moving north for some more sunshine, into my 2nd year of teaching degree, buy myself flowers all the time. When the pain of leaving is less than the pain you get from staying you know you have had enough. I thought I had married my soul mate, I thought our love would survive anything, anything but alcohol.

Living in a marriage that isn’t working is the lonliest place on earth.

Dear Shaz, Congratulations on selling your house.

Thanks Dr Neill you are right, thought I would be happy to leave now house is sold, but I am still crying. I am doing this even though my heart wants to stay my head is saying go. It has been the loneliest place, it has been so hard because you make out to all your friends and family that everything is ok, and eventually you have to let everyone know that it is not working.Thanks again for all your support, your web site is so wonderful. I just seem to write on here how I really feel and most days it is with tears rolling because it is so hard. Just hope that things will get better and happier because I just cant do this anymore, cant go back now just have to move forward.
love
shaz

I have been married 28 years; he has been drinking since I met him, daily. I know it’s a progressive disease and that is obvious to me. I love him a lot but he is very moody (mostly grumpy) and not "present" once he drinks. He is not verbally or physically abusive to me however somewhat intimidating at times. Also, he did "lose his temper" and beat our 15-year-old son over a school issue (belt on rear), when I was not home. I had asked him and he had agreed, to not use physical punishment any longer. I would call this abuse?

As much as I don’t want to put the family (we have 5 children 27,22,18,15, 8 years old. Oldest two not at home, 18 year old going to college this fall) through the trauma, it has dawned on me that I can’t change the drinking and maybe I’d be better without him at home. I follow a 12-step-program for food addiction and feel that I am doing well. The drinking causes me daily anguish, I can’t seem to change those feelings.

Advice and comments welcome.

Hey dr neill its me again, a regular customer I am. Wow the contracts are ready to be signed and gets so drunk saturday that he is telling me that he wont sign to sell the house. I told him we can be sued as the people are ready to sign to purchase and that if he does not sign he is liable to half the mortgage that I have been paying as I am leaving in approx 2/3 weeks. Found myself a small apartment near my mum and dad, started to pack and hopefully I can get a signature out of him without all the drama. I am so tired and sick of the whole thing, when i try to explain to him that I still care about him he calls me a liar, tells me I am just taking his daughter and that I dont care how he feels. I said if he had cared he would have stopped drinking and been a proper dad and father years ago. He just cannot see how alcohol has destroyed our relationships, and unfortunately it cant be mended.
I still have love for my hubby, he is not all terrible all the time, but cant live with someone who changes from morning to night.
Fingers crossed he will sign the contract, it is so hard to negotiate with a drinker.
Shaz

contract signed on house and delivered to solicitor. Had such mixed feelings, in one way it is liberating I will be free to live in a house without worrying about whether my husband will be crying or angry once he started his drinking for the day. He keeps telling me I am sorry, I know I drink too much. He says I am not a bad husband, and he thinks because he never cheated on me that that is the only qualification needed. I said I am so tired of doing everything, caring for the children, shopping, cooking, cleaning, working full time, and doing a degree part time while he sat in his chair watched the austar and drank beer. Hello….. I have been so strong and have not backed down, I had to give him $20,000 out of our house money and the leather lounge, and I know he will just waste the money on beer and gambling. It is sad to end a marriage, any marriage but when a marriage has to end due to an addiction to alcohol which seems such a simple thing to do and just stop. It is a drug which is poisoning their minds, and I will not stay and watch him deteriorate any further. Scary to be totally alone, however he left me every day on the grog anyway so it really is no different. Anyway thats me for today, packing and getting boxes. Have not found a place to rent yet, no where wants to take me and my sausage dog and fluffy cat, two kids also, It is the pets that no one likes, will keep looking. I know there will be days that I will miss my hubby heaps, as the hard part is that I still love him heaps. But just cant live with him anymore….