Married to a Functioning Alcoholic? Getting Help
Dr. Neill Neill
Mary (alias) recently took the Alcoholism Test and then emailed me. (She didn't leave a public comment because she wanted her communication to be confidential.)
Although a few details are changed or omitted to protect Mary's privacy, she began with
"I was researching functional alcoholism and came across your site. I took the Alcoholism Test to determine if my husband would be considered a functioning alcoholic. I have not yet spoken with anyone about this, but just researched Al-Anon and plan on attending a meeting…"
Mary goes on to make the following points:
- Married for 19 years.
- Husband a drinker, mostly drinking alone.
- He has been drinking more during the last 5-6 years (now more than two liters/week of hard liquor.)
- He is not abusive and does not miss work.
- He seems to have trouble remembering.
- He just seems out of it at night…
- His personality is changing.
- He has no interest in sexual intimacy.
- He now looks at 'adult' websites.
- He has never thought he had a drinking problem.
- She has become less tolerant of this behavior.
- She worries that she may seem non-caring.
Mary ended with wanting my opinion on his condition and asking for some suggestions on how to approach him?
I answered Mary’s email and encouraged her to attend a few Al Anon meetings to gain some perspective. I suggested that her becoming intolerant was a good thing, because it indicated she was not slipping into codependency. I said some other things too, but I couldn’t really offer professional advice based on her email alone.
After I answered her I kept thinking about her situation and how similar it sounded to what I have heard so many times before. Just look at the long list of comments following the Alcoholism Test.
So I prepared a more complete answer to all you "Marys" and "Pauls" out there
who are suffering relationship problems in the presence of alcohol abuse.
Of course, what follows is only a beginning. I go into much more detail in my book, Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A woman's Survival Guide.
Relationships are the heart and soul of our society. If our relationships with others were to disappear, most of us would feel all meaning slipping away from our lives. Our husbands, our wives, our children, our parents and extended family, our coworkers and our friends help to create the meaning that shapes what we become in life. We are a social species.
Relationships unfortunately can falter. And when your relationship with your life partner is faltering, you need to act decisively.
There has been research showing that a majority of couples on the brink of splitting, but who somehow manage to hold on, five years later will be getting along fine. Unfortunately, many couples allow the situation to become unbearable before they even think of getting help, and they often don’t make it.
Mary wanted to know what she could do regarding her husband’s drinking as the cause of the other problems they were having.
I prefer, however, to start with the assumption that alcohol abuse is the symptom of something. It is often much more productive to focus on your relationship and on yourself than on the alcohol problem. Your relationship is where the real urgency is.
If your relationship doesn’t survive, your partner's drinking habits won’t affect you anymore.
You need to find a psychologist or other counselor who works with individuals and couples on their relationships. It would be even better if you find one with expertise in the substance abuse area as well.
If your partner has no interest in getting marriage counseling, it may not be a problem, at least at first. When you go for counseling without him,
- You will gain insights into what you might do to improve your relationship.
- You will gain some clarity and calm about your contributions to your problems together.
- You will gain perspective on why you react as you do to his behavior.
- You will get clear about what you want out of life.
What I have often done when working with an individual whose relationship is in trouble, is ask my client to invite her spouse to come to a session with her to assist me in understanding her. This is extremely useful on its own, but more often than not the partner will begin to participate.
Other issues will emerge, including mid-life issues, self-esteem issues, spiritual issues, empty-nest issues, fears that neither of you were even aware of, unhappiness, shame and, yes, alcohol abuse.
The point is this: if your partner stopped drinking today, you would still need to do the relationship work to recover your marriage. So why not get to work on it right away and save yourself a mountain of grief?
Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He is a member of the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an alcohol and drug treatment center for men. His goal is to help you to help yourself to a better life. http://www.neillneill.com
Filed under Alcoholism Test, Alcoholism and Marriage by Dr. Neill Neill
Comments on Married to a Functioning Alcoholic? Getting Help »
Lynne @ 8:37 pm
I too am married to a functioning alcoholic. Everyday he drinks at least one bottle of red wine, sometimes up to 3 bottles plus beer, and sometimus up to 6 bottles. He has no alcohol-free days, but he goes to work. I am over it. I've been married for 22 years and I am done!
Tilly @ 6:23 pm
My partner of 3yrs I realise now, is a functional alcoholic. The drinking of 1-2 bottles of red wine every night eventually caused me to withdraw as I couldn't stand the smell, the look and the repetitive intellectualising.
Now it would seem that my withdrawal and other negative effects on my psyche has caused my partner to want to leave, be independant, move to yet another city, get a better job and so on.
I had so much love to give although we argued as I have a strong personality and can be reactive.
I would like the relationship to heal and grow.
We have to live in the same house until our business is sold. the business caused a lot of stress as it's so unprofitable.
I feel utterly devastated and and an emotional mess but have started taking anti-depressants to help.
faith @ 12:45 pm
I'm coming to the conclusion that a "functioning Alcoholic" will never recover, it's not going to change unless something completely tragic happens. My husband is one of the them, and I think I need to love myself first. I always find excuses for him, he even made me feel like I was the reason for his drinking.His mother is a recovering alcoholic and amazinly enough she doesn't talk about with him. I feel like I'm the only one who sees the problem. I think it's time for me to leave with my daughter and start my own life, but before,I know I'm going to need lots of help and I need to detach from him, and accept the fact that alcohol is of more importance to him than his daughter and I, that alone can bring anyone's selfesteem to the ground.He's a loving dad,a hard worker and a kind person. But everything good he does goes right out the window. He's made it clear he's not going to change, and he said he doesn't care if we get divorce. I am left with no choice, I almost feel ashamed I have stayed for so long in this relationship. I am crying as I'm typing,but I'm hoping these tears are the firts of the last tears I'll cry over my husband's alcoholism.
rhianna @ 12:45 pm
I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 7 years. I have a question, in the past things have been pretty much like you all said. But, a couple nights ago I was in bed asleep and he came in drunk. He just got mad for nothing and started yelling. Then he said "I'm going to F ing kill you". He has gotten drunk and angry before but I've never been scared, I always just blow it off, but when I looked at him there was something different about his face. It was like his eyes were empty, hollow, like he was not there, but they were full of rage all at the same time. He has never hurt me or even really scared me before this, but I was honestly affraid. I went to the other room and slept with my phone just in case I needed it. I don't know if I should be afraid that he will become abusive because he has never physically harmed me. Even that night he didn't but that look made me think he could become capable of it. Do you think that he is becoming abusive?
Dr. Neill Neill @ 1:12 pm
Hi Rhianna,
The usual progression for an alcoholic husband is from just being angry a lot, to being verbally abusive then to physically threatening (slamming doors, hitting walls, breaking things, and making threats of physical harm), and finally to punching, pushing, choking or driving into a tree with you in the passenger seat.
It's not possible to predict how fast this will happen, but your husband appears to be a long way down that path. You are probably in an unsafe situation, based on what you say.
The thing to remember is that if he is drunk and in a rage, you cannot handle him. Sometimes four policemen confronting someone that state can't handle it and call for backup.
Please look after your safety. Tell someone, including your family doctor, about what is happening. Have an escape plan. Chapter 24 in my book, "When to Pull the Plug on an Alcoholic Marriage," is devoted to the issue.
Best wishes,
Neill
Robin @ 1:30 pm
I have been married to my second husband for approximately 10 years. I am 50 and he is 59. During this time span, I have observed periods of very heavy drinking followed by brief periods of "not a drop". Over the last 2 years, his personality has changed dramatically in that the temper outburts are daily as opposed to occasionally. He is perpetually annoyed, verbally abusive (on a regular basis), threatens to divorce me (brought on by an innocent remark that annnoys him), and recently has poor memory recall. Both of his parents drank heavily and he has always socialized with friends who drink heavily. Quite often, I feel that I am having "out of body" experiences as I'm listening to him curse at me and am afraid to answer back in fear of escallating his anger. He blames me for his anger; repeats that I know what makes him angry. In 10 years, I can say that we have never had what I consider a typical argument or loud discussion about anything! If I disagree with him, or broach a subject that he doesn't care to discuss, he will fly into a rage and usually leave our home for a period of a week or so. He has never apologized for any of the ugly things he has said to me, nor does he admit to any drinking issues. He plays emotional games with me such as planning trips and refusing to take the trip at the last possible moment. Simple discussions about details of the trip can bring these outburts on. Often, he will jab at me with immature comments such as "you're just like your mother" or "would you like to hear what your children said about you?" All in all, I fell in love with a dynamic, intelligent, funny, athletic man 10 years ago and I feel that he has vanished. His personal hygiene is non existent and he no longer cares about exercise, health or weight. He has not had a physical check up for 5 years or so. I don't want to give up on "us" but he seems unreachable in most ways these days. I emailed Alalon (sp?) and would appreciate any comments or advice you can give. Thank you in advance for your assistance. Kindly: Robin
Dr. Neill Neill @ 10:50 am
Hi Robin,
The brain damage from the alcoholism does sometimes change personality. It also causes delusions, the first one being that there is no problem. The second delusion is that if there is a problem he is a victim of it, that is, it is not his fault.
You are not, I repeat "not," responsible for his triggers and outbursts. Your responsibility is to live your life with as much happiness, compassion and fulfillment as possible. You have a lot of years ahead of you. Can you picture yourself sitting by and watching him deteriorate and become increasingly dangerous over the next decade or so. What a drain that would be on your own spirit.
Of course you don't want to "give up on us." Good people don't break commitments easily. However, it sounds like he broke his commitment to you at least five years ago. It takes two for a marriage to work.
Please pay attention to what I said to Rhianna above.
You have my very best wishes.
Neill
PS: If you haven't already done so, read my book. It will help.
Callie @ 1:17 pm
I am married to a functioning alcohlic and have been for a little over a year. We have a one-year-old son. He is wonderful with our son, he does not work but is a full-time student, and he helps a little around the house. The way that he treats me is the problem, almost like he hates me. Verbal abuse I guess is what you would call it- everything he says is cruel and condescending, he is always hateful, angry, emotionally immature and cannot let go of partying and "getting away"- why does he want away from us, we're his family? I guess it's because then he'll have the freedom to drink as much as he wants to. Even his own parents know how he is. I am miserable and depressed all of the time. I don't what to do or what our outcome will be but I find myself turning against him- I fear that very soon, I will stop loving him and leave. He has so much potential and so much good- and the whole situation is very sad. It took me a while to realize that his problem was being an alcoholic, prior to that I nearly drove myself crazy trying to please him and make him happy. He is such a miserable person and the only time he is happy is when he is doing what he wants to do- which usually involves drinking. I hate to leave and cause any confusion for our child, but I am so unhappy. Please help.
Dr. Neill Neill @ 4:34 pm
Hi Callie,
Your son will be fine, as long as you look after yourself and do whatever you need to do to heal from this and lead a happy and fulfilling life. It is not parents' being together or apart that that supports or hurts children, but it is how well the parents handle conflict. If your description is accurate, your son is suffering from being there.
It sounds like your husband's problem is much deeper than his alcoholism. The alcohol may just his way of medicating his emotional problems. He may be very smart and have a lot of potential, but but from you say he has very little insight into what's going on inside him. Big clue: he thinks you are the problem.
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can live with them. You have some tough choices to make. Remember, you have a right and a responsibility to be happy.
There are a few articles about happiness, marriage and other related topics on my other website, http://www.neillneill.com . You might find some of them helpful. Do read my book.
Love and blessings,
Neill