Married to a Functioning Alcoholic? Getting Help

I too am married to a functioning alcoholic. Everyday he drinks at least one bottle of red wine, sometimes up to 3 bottles plus beer, and sometimus up to 6 bottles. He has no alcohol-free days, but he goes to work. I am over it. I’ve been married for 22 years and I am done!

My partner of 3yrs I realise now, is a functional alcoholic. The drinking of 1-2 bottles of red wine every night eventually caused me to withdraw as I couldn’t stand the smell, the look and the repetitive intellectualising.
Now it would seem that my withdrawal and other negative effects on my psyche has caused my partner to want to leave, be independant, move to yet another city, get a better job and so on.
I had so much love to give although we argued as I have a strong personality and can be reactive.
I would like the relationship to heal and grow.
We have to live in the same house until our business is sold. the business caused a lot of stress as it’s so unprofitable.
I feel utterly devastated and and an emotional mess but have started taking anti-depressants to help.

I’m coming to the conclusion that a “functioning Alcoholic” will never recover, it’s not going to change unless something completely tragic happens. My husband is one of the them, and I think I need to love myself first. I always find excuses for him, he even made me feel like I was the reason for his drinking.His mother is a recovering alcoholic and amazinly enough she doesn’t talk about with him. I feel like I’m the only one who sees the problem. I think it’s time for me to leave with my daughter and start my own life, but before,I know I’m going to need lots of help and I need to detach from him, and accept the fact that alcohol is of more importance to him than his daughter and I, that alone can bring anyone’s selfesteem to the ground.He’s a loving dad,a hard worker and a kind person. But everything good he does goes right out the window. He’s made it clear he’s not going to change, and he said he doesn’t care if we get divorce. I am left with no choice, I almost feel ashamed I have stayed for so long in this relationship. I am crying as I’m typing,but I’m hoping these tears are the firts of the last tears I’ll cry over my husband’s alcoholism.

I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 7 years. I have a question, in the past things have been pretty much like you all said. But, a couple nights ago I was in bed asleep and he came in drunk. He just got mad for nothing and started yelling. Then he said “I’m going to F ing kill you”. He has gotten drunk and angry before but I’ve never been scared, I always just blow it off, but when I looked at him there was something different about his face. It was like his eyes were empty, hollow, like he was not there, but they were full of rage all at the same time. He has never hurt me or even really scared me before this, but I was honestly affraid. I went to the other room and slept with my phone just in case I needed it. I don’t know if I should be afraid that he will become abusive because he has never physically harmed me. Even that night he didn’t but that look made me think he could become capable of it. Do you think that he is becoming abusive?

Hi Rhianna,

The usual progression for an alcoholic husband is from just being angry a lot, to being verbally abusive then to physically threatening (slamming doors, hitting walls, breaking things, and making threats of physical harm), and finally to punching, pushing, choking or driving into a tree with you in the passenger seat.
It’s not possible to predict how fast this will happen, but your husband appears to be a long way down that path. You are probably in an unsafe situation, based on what you say.

The thing to remember is that if he is drunk and in a rage, you cannot handle him. Sometimes four policemen confronting someone that state can’t handle it and call for backup.

Please look after your safety. Tell someone, including your family doctor, about what is happening. Have an escape plan. Chapter 24 in my book, “When to Pull the Plug on an Alcoholic Marriage,” is devoted to the issue.

Best wishes,

Neill

I have been married to my second husband for approximately 10 years. I am 50 and he is 59. During this time span, I have observed periods of very heavy drinking followed by brief periods of "not a drop". Over the last 2 years, his personality has changed dramatically in that the temper outburts are daily as opposed to occasionally. He is perpetually annoyed, verbally abusive (on a regular basis), threatens to divorce me (brought on by an innocent remark that annnoys him), and recently has poor memory recall. Both of his parents drank heavily and he has always socialized with friends who drink heavily. Quite often, I feel that I am having "out of body" experiences as I’m listening to him curse at me and am afraid to answer back in fear of escallating his anger. He blames me for his anger; repeats that I know what makes him angry. In 10 years, I can say that we have never had what I consider a typical argument or loud discussion about anything! If I disagree with him, or broach a subject that he doesn’t care to discuss, he will fly into a rage and usually leave our home for a period of a week or so. He has never apologized for any of the ugly things he has said to me, nor does he admit to any drinking issues. He plays emotional games with me such as planning trips and refusing to take the trip at the last possible moment. Simple discussions about details of the trip can bring these outburts on. Often, he will jab at me with immature comments such as "you’re just like your mother" or "would you like to hear what your children said about you?" All in all, I fell in love with a dynamic, intelligent, funny, athletic man 10 years ago and I feel that he has vanished. His personal hygiene is non existent and he no longer cares about exercise, health or weight. He has not had a physical check up for 5 years or so. I don’t want to give up on "us" but he seems unreachable in most ways these days. I emailed Alalon (sp?) and would appreciate any comments or advice you can give. Thank you in advance for your assistance. Kindly: Robin

Hi Robin,

The brain damage from the alcoholism does sometimes change personality. It also causes delusions, the first one being that there is no problem. The second delusion is that if there is a problem he is a victim of it, that is, it is not his fault.

You are not, I repeat “not,” responsible for his triggers and outbursts. Your responsibility is to live your life with as much happiness, compassion and fulfillment as possible. You have a lot of years ahead of you. Can you picture yourself sitting by and watching him deteriorate and become increasingly dangerous over the next decade or so. What a drain that would be on your own spirit.

Of course you don’t want to “give up on us.” Good people don’t break commitments easily. However, it sounds like he broke his commitment to you at least five years ago. It takes two for a marriage to work.

Please pay attention to what I said to Rhianna above.

You have my very best wishes.

Neill

PS: If you haven’t already done so, read my book. It will help.

I am married to a functioning alcohlic and have been for a little over a year. We have a one-year-old son. He is wonderful with our son, he does not work but is a full-time student, and he helps a little around the house. The way that he treats me is the problem, almost like he hates me. Verbal abuse I guess is what you would call it- everything he says is cruel and condescending, he is always hateful, angry, emotionally immature and cannot let go of partying and “getting away”- why does he want away from us, we’re his family? I guess it’s because then he’ll have the freedom to drink as much as he wants to. Even his own parents know how he is. I am miserable and depressed all of the time. I don’t what to do or what our outcome will be but I find myself turning against him- I fear that very soon, I will stop loving him and leave. He has so much potential and so much good- and the whole situation is very sad. It took me a while to realize that his problem was being an alcoholic, prior to that I nearly drove myself crazy trying to please him and make him happy. He is such a miserable person and the only time he is happy is when he is doing what he wants to do- which usually involves drinking. I hate to leave and cause any confusion for our child, but I am so unhappy. Please help.

Hi Callie,

Your son will be fine, as long as you look after yourself and do whatever you need to do to heal from this and lead a happy and fulfilling life. It is not parents’ being together or apart that that supports or hurts children, but it is how well the parents handle conflict. If your description is accurate, your son is suffering from being there.

It sounds like your husband’s problem is much deeper than his alcoholism. The alcohol may just his way of medicating his emotional problems. He may be very smart and have a lot of potential, but but from you say he has very little insight into what’s going on inside him. Big clue: he thinks you are the problem.

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you can live with them. You have some tough choices to make. Remember, you have a right and a responsibility to be happy.

There are a few articles about happiness, marriage and other related topics on my other website, http://www.neillneill.com . You might find some of them helpful. Do read my book.

Love and blessings,

Neill

I dont know how long ago this was written, but I’m kinda in the same boat. BUT, I had to leave my husband 9mos ago. The emotional abuse was terrible, as for his 2 wonderful sons….he never spent any time with them. He too is a functioning alcoholism. He quit 3 mo’s ago and we’ve been in counsling..thought I had the man I married back until my 7yr old told me he saw him drinking when they went to his house sunday night. I looked further into it and it was true. I really thought we were on the right track. Counseling was going good and so on…but he’d been acting kinda weird lately…attacking me with stupid things here and there…now it makes sense. I hate alcohol. He tore me up and down with his nasty attitude after being found out. Said I had no right to snoop…I told him I have every right. I told him before he quit that I would not come back unless he quit driking completely…..thats that! He went back to his 1st love….beer. I’m so sad and hurt. I love him so much. I feel everything that the rest of you feel. Keep strong. Do what is best for you! You have to take care of yourself. I had family to take me and my kids in….actually I’m living in a 5th wheel camper in my parents back yard. This after living in my own home with pool, jacuzi and so on. It’s hard, but I was physically becoming sick due to the stress of the situation. And I saw it starting to affect them…that was it. I left. Not easy to say that your a 33 yr old woman living in a trailer in your parent back yard….but I had to do what ever it took to get me and my kids out. I cannot work extra hours due to the pain that comes from nerve damage…that comes from shingles…that came from stress…that came from my marrage…that came from my husbands love of beer!!

Dear holly,

Thank you for having the courage to do what it takes to look after your safety and well being, and the humility to share your story with others. N.

I married my husband in Feb 2008. I have know him since I was 8 years old. He is my best friends older brother. I was as close with him as I was with his sister. He was my best friend. He has always had a drinking problem, however always was honest about it and for the first 8 years of our relationship mananged it where I could accept it. He would drink when we went out with friends, or when others were drinking. He rarely drank by himself. After 6 years of living together he begain drinking by himself almost daily. Prior to our wedding he quit drinking alone because I refused to marry him. After our wedding he picked up drinking alone. He now drinks on average 12-18 beers per day on a week day. On the weekends he usually will drink 24-30 beers by himself per day. He spends about about $800 per month in beer.

I pay for our house hold expenses, and if I ask for money to help pay for certain bills he drunkely explains to me how I need to straighten up and how I’m not spending my money wisely. He refuses to eat while drinking and goes several days with out eating.

When not drinking he is very quite and non responsive. He will go to bed at 5pm on nights when he doesnt drink. He has lost the ability to communicate when he is not drinking.

He has lived 6 years in prison for action taken while drinking. He is not scared to return to prison he is scared of loosing his family.

Since we have been married he has mended relationships with his parents and extended family. They now see him as the reformed person he protrays.

Because I am so close with his family they are aware of his current actions, but he is not nearly as bad as he was, as they see it. He maintains a job and sees his son. He cuts the grass and helps around the house. He completes all the chores any husband might do.

He has become verbaly abusive to me. As we all know, “I’m a F-ing idot because I left the hall light on!” He has poured beer all over our bed because I refused to sleep in the same bed while he was drunk because it smells. He turns the radio up so loud and refuses to turn it down and has even pushed me to keep me from reaching the volume button. He constently informs me that I don’t act the way I used too.

I completly understand his opions. I’m not the same. I have lost who I used to be. I have allowed his sickness to become mine. I obess about it. I wonder each night when I come home from work if he will be drinking or in bed by 5. I have lost my best friend!

I am mean to him. I call him a “drunk looser” all the time. It makes me feel better to hurt his feelings. I know its wrong and not helping the situation, but I feel better telling him how I feel. I’m sick of being nice.

I want him to just walk away from me. I want it to be him that leaves so I dont feel guilty for his further downward sprial. I dont want to see him hurt.

He has taken medication before for depression and that seems to help with the drinking. He has a bottle of Anabuse that has never been used also obtained to help him. He is completely aware of the problem when his is sober. He just can’t battle the urge to drink.

I dont want to leave him just yet. But unless I can figure out how to help him, I see no option in my future but to leave. I dont know how to get him help. Should I just walk away, save myself and hope he figures its out?

I am so sad and so heartbroken, I left my husband six years ago after 19 years of marriage. He has been verbally abusive and physically abusive to both me and my 3 children. Although he has been a addict for most of his teen years through adulthood, I am not an addict. I do not drink nor do I smoke pot or use any type of drugs.

I guess what I wanted to know is why do I carry all of this guilt. Any time something goes wrong with our kids or with him it is always my fault. It is always because I did not do something right. He is now married a year ago November 17, a much younger woman with a 7 year old little boy and he mistreats their dog. The dog is a little dauschand and he puts it in the pet carrier when it barks and kicks the carrier and spins the dog around and dumps the carrier upside down and thinks it is funny. It is a boy dog and he bought it a pink collars and tells everyone it is gay. That is this little boy’s dog. He hates everyone and everything it seems and certainly tries to hurt things that are smaller and weaker than he is.

The heartache and pain is killing me every day. When he divorced me, he grew his hair out long, got tattoos, rides a Harley, and looks absolutely horrible, but he thinks he is cool because he has a young wife, a stepchild and a little dog he can kick around.

I know I was a victim of his abuse and now another child, woman, and helpless animal will also be victims too!

This breaks my heart in two.

Dear Leah,

Your guilt is part of what a bully creates. I’ve seen this many times. You are absolutely not guilty, but he created that as a means of controlling you. He was and it seems, still is, a terrorist. A terrorist is someone who gets what he wants by making others fear him. He will probably end up in jail. I just hope nobody has to die to get him there.

A few sessions with an appropriate helping professional would help you release those awful feelings. You have carried his stuff far too long. Get some help to let it go. It is treatable! You deserve better that what you are giving yourself.

You have my heartfelt best wishes.

What he does to that poor, innocent dog is disgusting. You need to call the ASPCA or the police. I am sick over reading this.

You are absolutely right, Joyce. Thank you for saying what many of us are thinking.

the look you describe on his face….I see that look every time my husband drinks to a certain degree. It’s like he is no longer the man I know…but a stranger, that i do not like. It is exactly as you describe. There is a hollow,empty look. Almost a wild eyed look. It’s during those times that my husband has been the meanest. It’s actually quite scary. You need to keep yourself safe. My husband was always mental and emotionally abusive to me….never physical. But it was during those times that I wondered if he would snap. The rage that would radiate from him was awful! I did leave him almost a year ago now after 17 yrs of marriage and 2 wonderful kids. I love him, but could no longer put my kids, nor could I live with his addiction. It was destroying us as people….the marriage was already so messed up. I tried sooooo hard to save it. I begged him to quit, and to this day do! I love him, but cannot be with him. I can still hear it in his voice and tone over the phone when he’s had a few. Well Ladies, looks like we’ve all rode this terrible ride! God Bless you all and give you strength to do what you need to do. You cannot change him/her, all you can do is change what you can in your life! I sure did….and still do, a lot of praying for him!

I have just physically removed myself from my home and marriage of 6 years because my husband finally graduated to physically harming me in one of his drunken “spells”. It happened on Christmas day, which it seems is when it always happens…on my Birthday, on our Anniversary, on any holiday you can think of. His pattern is to go 6 months or more without drinking, then have a glass of wine with dinner, then eventually two a day, then four (that fourth drink turns him into a mean, angry, beligerent stranger who can’t wait to tell me how I make him angry and that’s why he drinks) and eventually a whole box (5 liters) in a day, or a fifth of Whiskey….enough to drop most people to their knees. He then retreats to the bedroom, where he sleeps it off for a few hours, then gets up, verbally abuses me, and starts drinking again until he needs to sleep it off for another few hours. He repeats this behavior every six months or so, and it always lasts from 3 to 5 days each time. I’m so sick of it - I believe I have lost the feeling of love for him - I feel empty and drained - and down right pissed off that he has made his problem MY problem. I can’t stomach to be around him when he is like this. He is such a hard worker and a good soul when he is sober - and then there’s this monster that appears. He graduated to physical violence this time around and broke two of my fingers because he thought I did not come home that night…when in fact it was just 4 hours after he left Christmas dinner at my sister’s home because he “didn’t feel well”, and left the dinner party. It was just an excuse to get out of there and drink some more before he passed out. When he awoke, he thought it was a different day! He didn’t have a clue. I grabbed the dog and got out pronto after he twisted my hands until he broke two fingers. Physical violence is not negotiable in my book. I’ve tolerated the verbal lashing far too long as it is. Now I’m not sure what to do next, but atleast I’m out of physical harms way until I figure it out. YIKES! I wouldn’t have chosen this life if I had known he was like this when I married him!

My husband and I have been together nearly 3 years, we lived together off and on for 2 of those years and have only been married for 10 months now. In Jan of 08 me and “my kids”(previous marriage) moved out because of his drinking, he gets very verbally abusive not only to me but to my children, my son is 17 and on 3 different occasions he has tried to provoke physical contact with him but I always tell my son to remember he is a drunk and to ignore him and my son does, funny thing is the next day he will apologize to my son but never to me. In feb of 08 he received a dui(still hasn’t went to court over it) and I was there for him as a friend to help him when it happened and I kept things on a friendship basis, well he started beggng and pleading for me to give him another chance that things would change that he would get better and all of there usual crapola, but me loving him and wanting so badly to believe in him I came back and married him. Well he got a automatic 90 day suspension on his drivers license for refusal of breathe test when they pulled him over and even though my gut said thats why he wanted me back my heart kept saying give it a chance. Well once his 90days was up he became the verbally abusive alcoholic again, I asked him if the only reason he married me was because he needed a ride to and from work for 90 days and he told me yes!!! But of course now he says he only told me that because it was what I wanted to hear, I guess I must of wanted to hear all the other abusive things he said to me also. I have to teens and no job(thanks to him) and I want to leave and never return to this place ever again, I want to wipe the memory of this man from my life. He will sit and tell you he is a alcoholic and that is what he wants to be, he doesn’t want to quit and won’t. I have gotten back into church and trying to live right and I just cannot see how anyone could live like this for countless numbers of years. I guess I wrote this becaus I would like to hear just one more person to tell me I’m doing the right thing by getting out even though I know it’s what I have to do. I guess I feel sorry for him because of his drinking problem an thats why I’ve put up with it but by putting up with it I become someone I don’t like. And I’ve been cursed, belittled, and dog talked for nearly 3 years now even when I didn’t live here he would call and text my phone cursing me and dog talking me for no reason. I know I was stupid for coming back here it is probably the worst mistake I have ever made. Yall just pray for me and my kids that god will help us to move forward and stay strong thru this…….Thank You.

Wow! Sometimes i just read some of the comments to catch up and make sure I am doing the right thing. I lived it too, 14 years on the alcohol merry go round. You think that you have done something, that you are at fault, and they blame you and tell you that you are a bad mum. They change every night a bit like dracula hey, and you cant wait till they fall asleep, because you know it is over for another night. They come back in the morning and sometimes they are sorry, or cry and when you realise that all you have to do is have more love for yourself, and tell them that they are not going to bully you anymore and dont play their game and leave if necessary. They will tell you what you want to hear, because they are so good at the game, and you keep believing them until one day, you have a heart attack or get sick, depressed or so down and you wonder how your life got so crap. I had this pain of anxiety in my chest everyday, always frightened when the crap would hit the fan, but the peace I feel now outweighs all the pain.

The house is up for auction next tuesday, I am transferring jobs taking the kids and I am really nice and polite to him, and he sits there and cries and drinks. I wont fall for it ever again. I wonder what happened to all that love, I try and think of things that I will miss without him, but not much comes to mind. All my memories are of occasions when he got pissed and spoiled the day, passed out at the end of the night, fell over or I drove home with him passed out in the seat next to me. I think with my head and not my heart, this has got me out of this terrible situation we still have to sort out money, but when you decide what you really want. That is not nursing and running after some alcoholic who is only going to deteriorate, they progress and you dont even realise it, we go into denial as well.

Put your heart in the cupboard for a while, use your head and have a real good look at the life you are living, and if it not how you want it, run because this is not a rehearsal, we only get one life.

Love to all. It is so hard and I know exactly how everyone of you feel. Alcohol is a curse

Shaz

I’m 33, my husband is 55. We’ve been together for almost nine years. We’ve been married for 4. Over the last two years it’s gotten worse. He’d drink beers that I know of and then I caught him hiding vodka in the utility room and vodka miniatures in various places. I always bust him because he’s not slick. I’ve told him several times I’m done, but I don’t really have anywhere to go. He’s not abusive, he works hard and provides for the family. He’s awesome in the day time and at night he’s like a whole different man. He walks around drunk, gets up atleast 8 times at night to urinate, whether it’s on the floor by the toilet or in the toilet. He even falls and breaks things and then in the morning blames the kids for breaking the items or eating his food, which he ate! He disgusts me. He looks old now and he NEVER wantes to do anything or have sex. I’m 33! When I try to speak with him about this he just says “yeah yeah yeah” I feel like i’m going to blow and I have no clue as of what to do. My mom just died, my dad died when I was a child. I have NO parents. My siblings don’t live here. I feel helpless!

Robin, you just have to look after yourself, work out what would be good for you, and if that is moving out, or near your family then that is what you do. People keep telling me that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before most will decide they need help, Dr Neill might be able to clarify this point.
However, I know how hard it is when they are really great of a day time, they are like the man you want them to be, however, as the afternoon progresses you knows that they are hanging to have a drink and then another day is stuffed again.
It seems that they are only going to get worse, and I couldnt put up with the problems, emotionally and financially.
Its a horrible problem, but after reading this site you realise you are not along, and there are heaps of people living with exactly the same thing
best wishes
shaz

Even with a job/hobbies/counseling, my world has become so small. If he’s been home “sick” all day, I can’t invite anyone inside the house (a la Skid Row) because he’ll be lying nude on the living room floor, surrounded by bread crusts and banana peels. “Sick” equals passed-out. The last ER visit determined .43 blood alcohol. He works until 6:00 PM, with every other Friday off, yet we have dinner together only on Wednesdays, because he has so many other “things” he likes to do after work. I can’t plan on Christmas or birthdays, etc.. He’s a licensed California Family Therapist, working with troubled kids. Irony.

Faith reading I am crying as I read your post!!!!:(
Your situation sounds exactly like mine its so scary I have a 7yr old daughter and hsb pacifies her with candy,junk food,soda,etc. everyday against what I have asked (he has no respect for me)when I’m not around don’t tell your mother then when I find out and address it he becomes defensive and nasty! Our daughter is so poisoned,and so he loves her but as the gentleman sd at AA it’s a sick love!!!!

Now that I have had him removed from our house 4 the 3rd and last time tried deal at first and he suggested counseling so we went to two sessions he blows smoke up the counselors you know what and she noticed and sd to me later he blames you for everything even though I ws humble! I sd how I used to nag,argue,hate him(in front of our daughter),make demands no beer in the house,etc…I was finding he drank more and he would not drink for about a wk and a half and then would say I’m just drinking one beer(but his body wld nd it,this is as long as he can go I found out w/o drinking)he stopped going to bars becuz of my demands,but now that he is out he is right back to what I have been fighting for 6yrs drinking at the bars,going out,cheating I feel and lying about it,being disrespectful/defensive to me when I catch him in lies by calling me insecure and saying “Im sick of your big mouth”, the final straw for me was when our daughter said, “Mommy daddy loves he’s just sick of your mouth and doesn’t love you anymore!” This bought TEARS to my eyes!! At the instant I knw it was time to brake all communication counseling and all get my daughter and myself in counseling so I can heal our relationship….I just explain to her we are leaving daddy alone right now,she is so confused but very sweet about not contacting him. So I call my phones provider’s and blocked out all his numbers from any contact! I feel like Im not going to put you out and let you still emotionally,verbally abuse me at a distance this is defeating the purpose! I love him dearly and he loves me and I believe he is tired of me becuz now that he is out he is free and it will get worse,so sometimes I feel guilty becuz at least at home he was not going out, back at the bars,and limiting himself to his enabling friends. but then I think about the bad times, how he talks about me horribly to his friends,sister,ex-wife,etc. that I’m the reason he is not successful and dragged him down,etc. He has always worked and had a good job and we would have nice cars,houses,etc.,but then we would lose everything and I wasnt making as much as he. C his ex-wife made double income to him so when he would fall she would pick up the pieces and just put him on a pedastal, he wld cheat she would catch him and still stay he was physically abusive to her tried with me twice sent him to jail and hit him back with a golf club so he hasn’t tried since with me it’s just the verbal attacks on me and talking about me to his friends and the same ex-wife I just mentioned(they have 2 boys who he only pays child support, but doesn’t physically spend a lot of time with,their older now)but the ex is so happy that we have split she has always still loved him and told him i am POISON for him. So I am the only who has sd u r an F/alcoholic and trying to save him and the more he fights me and says I nd 2 drink and have the problem. So he will admit and say I have some issues but so do you,etc. so now that he has gone my business has flourished, I am working on losing the 55lbs I gained consuming myself with trying to fix him and my daughter and I are doing more things 2gether becuz I am not as stressed, but at night when she is sleep I cry becuz I miss my hsb but dont want that monster back.

I pray he falls so hopeless with despair and hs no choice but to find Jesus and get saved and one day come home!

I feel like if i divorce him all my sacrificing goes down the drain and I am waiting to see if he files,also I believe he is talking with a woman as well as he is communicating more with his ex who is an enabler big time and pacifies him with her $ and being there for him&and he has cheated with her before so I have not caught him but his actions show he is doing something,becuz my hsb likes to have sex and will nt b w/o a woman around. The other times I put him out he called all the time confessing his love willing to do anything just wanted to come home. This time he sd Im not coming back to you the way you are and we nd counseling so he is acting different and doesnt show me he really misses us like before,so I have heard so many stories about the wife praying for hsb and he has come around (takes time).

I figure I will concentrate on my daughter and I healing, going to Al-anon,Al-ateen,and it hurts that he DOES NOT GO OUT OF HIS WAY TO CHECK ON US AND FIGHT FOR OUR LOVE IT’S LIKE HE IS CONTENT WITH NOT TALKING. HE IS VERY PRIDEFUL&ARROGANT so I guess he figures she blocked me out so 4get it. i just pray that he misses us and him not contacting us is pride,etc and eventually he will gv in! I have since gotten closer to Jesus Christ and bought the boook POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE and now I am waiting on more blessings! I am praying for your marriage and wish you many blessings!!!!!! Thanks for listening& I pray Dr. Neil comments on some of my pain and decisions, and I also purchase book,”Survival Guide of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic”

Hi everyone, I’m so glad that I stumbled across this website, and to have read the comments left by everyone of you amazing courageous woman! I relate to what each of you have shared and it’s actually really comforting knowing that I’m not alone in this living hell.

Shaz, your post inparticular really helped me…your advice to put your heart aside for a while and use your head, I think, is essential to do. I’m currently in a 6 year relationship, and my partner has been on a rapid decline into alcohol oblivion for the last 2 years. He is a functioning alcoholic…gets up and goes to work everyday, pays the bills and although inconsistent, tries hard to be a good father. BUT our relationship has become so disfunctional. He’s virtually unrecognisable to me and is a far cry from the person I once loved and respected.

For too long I have thought…but, this is so sad…he’s a great person when he’s not drinking…he doesn’t mean it…and he had a shit of a childhood… So forgiving!!…after that very same persons tyranical verbal abuse. That same person who is cold, empty, nasty, antagonistic… Regardless of where my thoughts take me, given my situation, it always always comes back to the plain fact..he is an alcoholic. He will not change, I can not change him, I am not responsible for him, I do not want this for my life or for my son. So there is no other option for me but to leave the relationship. It’s the right thing to do.

Hey if anyone wants to share their story, I would most welcome it….you know, perhaps we could swap stories and thoughts, offer some comfort, support, ideas..?? I really feel it might be helpful for me to be able to do that.

Wishing you all the very best!

Tania x

tania, you said some good stuff in there, the part about he had a crap childhood and he doesnt mean it, I have made every excuse under the sun. Still waiting for my house sale to go thru, hopefully soon. He said yesterday that he was going to have a break from drinking, straight away my mind is saying that is good. Things might come good and that silly person who wants to believe that there is no problem comes back. But she doesnt stay long anymore, I say to myself, self what the hell do you think after 14 years it could be that easy, if it was so easy he would have changed before. And Kat you said we hope that they will fight for our love and change and us girls/sorry and boys too believe that when you REALLY….. love someone that they would do anything to save the marriage, stop hurting you, love the children more, support you and care for you and be the intimate friend you had before the bottle took over. My husband just disappeared somewhere, I am leaving soon but he left me months ago, sitting downstairs with his beer and Austar, not helping me pay bills, clean the house and pool, care for the kids, main tain the house, love me or take me on a holiday.. What will I miss when I go, his cuddles of a night time, the sex we used to have, that stopped because I moved upstairs away from his abuse verbally, the few moments that are there
of normality, hey you know what not much! It has been one hard long battle that has progressed, he hasnt spoken to my son for years, treated him terribly when he was a little boy. Husband has always put himself first, arrogant like you said Kat, a narcissist (very selfish and he thinks he is never wrong). I have lost a lot of trust too, unfortunately because all the promises are bull shit, so you get to the point, you feel what is the point of trusting them when they dont follow through with things. Just to finish, a letter came on friday arvo from a teenage girl who said he was her father, it was the year before I met him. He tore it up denied the whole thing and put it in the bin. I dont know what to believe, I am glad I am splitting up our money and property, I really believe th past comes back to bite people, how can you believe anything they have to say when they are only in their mind half the time. Love to chat more tania and kat
shaz

He lasted two days without a drink, anyway I think that was how long, doesnt matter. The last two days he was really down and grumpy. I knew he cant go without a drink, he asked would i pick him up from the club (bar) and after a few hours there he is a different person. He is more chatty, a little happier still complaining that I dont show him any love because I had switch off to save my sanity. It comes down to them or me, crazy hey, as I drive through the bottle shop on the way home from the club and he buys three more big bottles of beer I look at him and it is so sad, on the outside he is still the man I married, except for the red face and huge beer belly. It has been so hard to get myself to this point of leaving, I know if I dont go this will kill both of us, and that ultimately stuffs my kids too. If I stay I am caught in the madness of caring for him and watching him progress and put up with his eratic moods and nasty comments. The other alternative which I wish I had done years ago was to leave, I am ready to go. It is just the house sale that I hold out for and then I am gone. I honestly believed for 14 years that he was going to stop and some miracle was going to happen and I was going to have this dream life, that I have always hoped for in my head. It cant happen and wont happen while I stay with someone who is controlled by a bottle of alcohol. Dr. Neill said even if they stopped, they have to change their thinking which is a huge thing to do. Change your life, change your friends, my husband manages a club (bar) he is caught in a lifestyle that will kill him if he doesnt stop. This web site opened my eyes, I thought I was the only one caught in such a horrible situation that no one could ever give me the answer. How do you leave someone who you love more than anything else in the world….because they cant see that there thinking needs to change.

My eyes are full of tears, because it hurts so much and I have cried heaps of nights, but the best thing is when I read back over these comments I have written and see how muc h I have grown.

Love to all

Hi everyone,

I’m married for 6 years and have a 4 yr old daughter. My husband is an alcoholic with some bi-polar illness. He tries to work hard but gets disheartend with petty issues and starts drinking. He bangs his car almost everyday, he creates a scene almost in all markets, and I have no social life all thanks to him. His family does not support me and I am not qualified enough to pick up a job.

pls help.

Dear nid,

Living poor on welfare sounds like it would be better than what your life is now, and you might qualify for some job training.

In the big picture of things, you task is to decide what you want, and then take action. You don’t have to know in advance how you will do it. The universe will show you how as you go along.

i hate everything about my ex alcoholic partner. ive allowed him destroy my life , he is a chronic alcoholic.hes a liar, manupilator , scheaming bastard.he has begged for money on the street, hes not from around here i am, alot of people know me. in all my years i have never seen anyone to beg , only him in this village. he called the police for me because i slapped him across the head when he was drinking. im an alcoholic also. ive lost my brother and sister to alcoholism i pray i will not die that way. ive had a couple of relapses, the whole stress thing was unbearable with him.he contracted T.B last year and refused to take his medication for the nurse, he wanted me there.There was a danger my 3 yr old grandaughter was infected,and after alot of painful tests,thank God ,she is O.K . i have never seen anyone to cry so readily , and they just vanish when i tell him shut up . I dont like the person i have become, im angry ,resentful, depressed, pitiful, . Have isolated my-self ,will not go out . Gave up work as a carer because i could not take the stress living with him. I feel i am the abuser now , i insult him if i talk to him on the phone, he says outrageous things , blames me for things that hes doing . Why do i find it so hard to move on when i cant bear to be in the same room as him for 5 mins. I really thing im gone crazy from living with him. Why cant alcoholics that are brain dead ,and a liability to themselves and others be locked up. I am an alcoholics ,but i also hate alcoholics

I feel better for visiting this site. It reinforces that I am not crazy as my husband would say that I am because he has no problem with drinking but rather I have the problem. I have known him half my life. We have been in a relationship for twelve years but I have know him for twenty. He used to be my best friend. That hasn’t been the case for a long time. He will never quit drinking. He comes home under the influence 90% of the time. If were lucky he passes out right after walking through the door rather than interacting with me and his daughter. He isn’t mean. He isn’t nice either. He is obnoxious and stupid. He talks and argues about useless stuff in the evening and doens’t really remember much of it. Actually he remembers enough to say that I am being oversensitive and exagerating about his drinking.

I pay the bills. I would be fine by myself but I do love him. I don’t want this anymore though. I told him today quit drinking (he won’t) or move out. I hope I can keep my resolve!

It is amazing how these e-mails describe exactly what I try to express to my husband when he is sober. I always believed I was stronger than my husband’s addictions; Cocaine, Maurijana and alcohol. Alcohol has won out over the other 2 addictions thru the years and alcohol has won out over me. Unlike many who have written, I have always had a great job and my husband is not physically abusive. I learned the hard way to never let my guard down. I could tell so many stories they would fill a book and they would be very similar to the stories written on this Website.

Today my husband is retired, I still work, and if he has access to money, he will buy a bottle of vodka. I always feel like his jailer. It would be nice to one day not wait for the other foot to fall. It would be nice to let him have money and use it responsibly. Without me watching over him, he would drink and drive even more than he does and possibly kill someone. After 5 vehicle accidents, (3 sited as DUI’s-I believe he was taking drugs for the other 2), 3 totaled cars we owned not counting the ones he hit and the women who suffered back injuries, he was finally put under house arrest serving his jail time. The first DUI and a year after we were married, I thought we were lucky because he said he ran into a tree. When we went to look at the vehicle the husband and father of the woman driving with her mother in the other car were there too. My husband said, ‘Well you got what you want, I will never drink again.’ That was 27 years ago and he has repeated that same statement at least 1000 times. He also went to a rehab center. $12,000 and 2 days after, he was drinking again. He was a model patient and a great help to other alcholics while in rehab. When I went to rehab family day, many patients came up to me and told me what an awesome, great, helpful, caring man my husband was. I whole-heartedly agreed - when he is sober.

These days, I convince myself that I am saving a child’s life by keeping a close eye on him. The problem is he can be sober for long periods of time, even up to 4 years. Then, I let my guard down. For no reason that I can see, he would start his drinking again. He says he gets depressed and only alcohol helps. I told him alcohol is a depressant. Of course, alcoholics are not known for making sense! He has seen a doctor, but he said it won’t help. Just another excuse to not give up drinking completely.

After many years of experience living with drug addiction and alcoholism, you would think I would have found THE ANSWER. There is no simple answer if you decide to live with an alcoholic. However, I can say, if you decide to stay never, ever let your guard down. Don’t be fooled by waiting for things to hit bottom to get better - that bottom may very well be a life and let’s pray it is not yours!

I am engaged and my future husband drinks. I don’t live with him but I need to know how can I tell if he is an alcohlic. I have been married before and I don’t want to go through another divorce. I can’t really tell how much he drinks, he doesn’t abuse me, he works as a nurse, he is very good to me, he doesn’t party, but I need to know how to tell if he has a problem, we are going to see a counselor, because the drinking is a huge deal to me.

Teresa,

I assume you have answered the best you could the questions in “Alcoholism Test” on this website. You would also be a lot more savvy after reading the book.

If his drinking is a major issue for you and not for him, and he cares deeply about you, he will stop drinking. If his drinking is important to him, he may move on and free you to find someone with a better fit to you.

On the other hand, if his drinking is compulsive, that is, he must drink, he may dismiss or minimize the issue and try to convince you it’s your problem, not his. (Listen to how he talks with the counselor about his drinking.) If you get a hint of that, you are in for a mountain of grief over time.

Read Robert’s recent comment:
http://alcoholism.neillneill.com/9/the-functioning-alcoholic-part-one/

I have been married to my alcohlic for 2 years now. I have 2 kids and he has 2 kids, all live with us. I was born and raised in one state and because of all the duis we have moved 4 states away from my family and friends. He knows he has a problem, everyone knows he has a problem.
I love this man and don’t want to leave him but I know this is not the best situation for me or the kids. He is mean and verbally abusive to me and the kids. I am 32 yrs old and my oldest child is 16 and she hates being here. She doesn’t like the way her “dad” treats me or her 6 year old brother. He goes out and stays out nearly all night long partying with kids half his age, he is 33 and then blames me and says I nag him. He cries and apoligizes all the time and I do honestly believe him(although I know in my heart its part of the game). I also do not like the way he treats my youngest son.
I know I should leave but there’s so much involved. What about HIS kids? I’m the only sanity they have, although that’s not saying much. He can’t go back to the state we came from because of a warrent stemming from alcohol and can’t get a decent job because of said warrent.
We never seem to have enough money for a decent amount of groceries but ALWAYS seem to have enough money for a 30 pack a day. I’m writing this while he sleeps it off and I’m to the point that I can’t even seem to get mad anymore and that pisses me off too. I’m almost numb so maybe there’s still hope because I do still feel something.
Reading everyone elses posts I see so much of my relationship. The fear of physical abuse, the fear of being alone, the fear of leaving. I’m just tired of being scared all the time. Will he make it home or will I get that dreaded call? Is he gonna kill himself, my kids or someone elses kids when he makes the decision to drive(he like to drink and drive, even when the kids are in the truck with him)!
I would like to say he’s a good father but can’t seem to even bring myself to say that anymore. The kids hate him and everyone has to walk on egg-shells, drinking or not.
THIS IS NOT THE MARRIAGE OR THE LIFE I SIGNED UP FOR!
Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, Amy

Dear Amy,

No, you didn’t sign up for this. Leaving a relationship is difficult, even if you know it’s the right thing to do.

From what you are saying, you are clearly endangering your children by ever letting them get in a vehicle with him. And you set a poor role model for your children if you stay, love or not. If your daughter or son grows up and gets into such a situaton, would you want them to stay no matter what? No? Then don’t model it.

You may need some professional help as you go through the transition. Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

I have married for 11 years. It is hard to pick up and leave, you think it will get better or change. My sitation has only worsened over the years. It started out with beer (weekend drinker mostly) and now he sits at the shop (alone most nights) drinking cheap whiskey until he is staggering drunk. He thinks I should be glad that he isn’t out in the bars or on the road. The situation has never been perfect but it is really bad the last three years. He was laid off about 5 months ago and hasn’t found a job. Now I am stuck paying all the bills and he sleeps all day and drinks all night. He makes sure he isn’t in the house when I get home. It is a miserable life and he has told me he doesn’t plan to stop or change. We have a 9 year old daughter. I konw I need to get her out, but we have bills and now only one income and unemployment. I can’t save enough money to even get us into an appartment right now. Things keep getting worse and it doesn’t seem that anyone notices the chaos but me.

Deb

See a lawyer. Get him out. Protect your daughter.

Hi everyone,
This is my second post. The last was about four months ago, and I am proud to say that I have left my abusive relationship.
I found the courage and the strength to leave and I am so happy NOT to be in that situation and environment anymore.
I can let out my breathe, and I can relax for the first time in years.
Practically and logistically it was a nightmare getting to this point, but well worth it…HONESTLY. I am now on government assistance/benefit (”welfare” I think you guys call it in the States), and it’s hard, but you adjust and get by…and learn to be very skilled at budgeting and resourceful with what you have and what you get.
I have lots of emotional support from family and friends, which is probably the most significant thing to get me through, along with my son. I just look at his little face and know I finally made the right choice.
My best wishes, happy thoughts, and STRENGTH to you all.
Tania.

I have been married to my husband for over 30 years. We are both in our late 50s and our children are grown and out of the house. We’ve had a pretty good marriage free of serious problems.

My husband has always been a regular (but not heavy) drinker. I have nothing against drinking even though I drink very little / drink socially on occasion.

For many years my husband has drunk at least a few beers or glasses of wine daily. This concerned me a little but when I mentioned it to him, he rationalized it away and said it isn’t harmful. I was willing to go with that. Especially since drinking has never seemed to interfere with his life or work. He has never, to my knowledge, missed a work or family obligation or been in trouble with the law due to alcohol.

Little-by-little his drinking has increased to where he now drinks at least a 750 ml bottle of wine a day or sometimes a combination of wine and beer totaling the same amount. He drinks every day. During the week he begins drinking after work and continues til bedtime. On the weekend, his drinking starts a little earlier, especially if he or we are at a function with alcoholic beverages.

My husband is not verbally or physically abusive, but I seem to see subtle changes in his personality. Quite frankly, he is getting boring. I know that this amount of drinking cannot be good. I also fear that the amount of his drinking will continue to increase as it has already. My husband was once very lean, but is at least 50 pounds heavier than when we married and is now getting a bit of a paunch - surely at least partly due to the many extra calories a day from wine and beer.

Many people in his family (mainly white collar, educated) drink a lot. He admits that his own father was a functioning alcoholic.

I don’t see being able to live with this for the rest of my life and especially if the amount of drinking increases. But I don’t know how to approach him about this without him becoming defensive. There are some other issues in our marriage which need addressing as well and the drinking issue has sort of brought it all into focus for me.

Any advice?

Hi Kathryn,

My recommendation is that you find a good professional for marriage counseling, someone your husband could respect and someone who has some experience with addictions. Book an appointment for you and your husband, and go alone if he won’t join you.

Make it clear to your husband that you are seeking helping in deciding how you want to live the rest of your life, because the present isn’t good enough. In the process of all this, you will gain clarity. He may too. You both need it for the choices you will make. If he decides to leave alcohol behind and needs help, have him get in touch with me to discuss options. He does NOT have to be "in recovery" for the rest of his life.

Eileen and I have been together 30 years too, but we had a bad patch about 8 years ago. I know that getting a long-term marriage back on track is worth fighting for. We have been able to get through the subsequent deaths of three of our children, and have ended up even closer.

You both have my very best wishes.

Neill

Hi. I came across these stories from women in my situation and find it strangly comforting to read them. I’ve been married for five years, together for seven and we both have two children from previous marriages. My daughters 12 and 14 live with us in Texas, his boys live in New York.
He always drank, but the last three years and especially this last year it has gotten so bad I don’t know how he is alive. He drinks straight vodka starting the minute he wakes up -four or five am, until he passes out, then starts drinking again. He consumes about a liter and half per day. He doesn’t take care of his appearance or exercise anymore and we no longer have sex. He disgusts me and he has ED from the booze, so we quit that a few years ago. I hate our life together. He manages to keep employment and is really good to me and my girls financially and he cooks. His tolerance is so high, most of the time strangers don’t know he’s been drinking at all. He does get really opinionated and repeats the same stories over and over when he’s drunk-which is always, but luckily, he is not violent. He is very insecure and pathetic. He is in deep denial though and thinks he’ll live forever. He says I have a drinking problem to be mean, but I drink about two bottles of wine a week and don’t drink at all at least two days a week because I come from a family of drinkers and alcoholics and I’ve always been aware and concerned about my health and aging. I also abstain for weeks at a time for cleansing a few times a year and I don’t crave alcohol. I exercise and care about my health. He’s just trying to justify his drinking by making me feel bad. I feel I can’t leave because of money. If I had the money, I’d leave. He won’t quit. He doesn’t want to quit. I feel really stuck and am understandably depressed. I need direction. I have thought of Alanon and perhaps that would help. I have to get my life on and find some joy again. He’s a helpless mess, but that doesn’t have to ruin all my days…Thanks for listening and would appreciate any advice. T

Tara,

Harsh as this may sound,you are being paid not to have a life. And it can’t be good for your kids either. The money isn’t worth it. You and your daughters will have some decrease in affluence if you leave, but you won’t be destitute. Discuss with a lawyer.

People can’t quit because alcohol is so easily available and a habit. my husband got tired of my drinking went to detox/psyche 2 days to make sure. My addiction is I like the buzz and I can’t stop. I hold down a job pay the bills, and I thought I was o.k. The real key is to have a deterrant to go on ANTABUSE, so you won’t drink. 2 days to get in your system and 2 weeks to get out and if you have a teaspoon of alcohol it will feel like you popped 10 drinks. that’s what you need, and Revia to decrease cravings. My minds says I want the shit. I never had DT’s. It really works. MD’s arent going to help you with this because you have to be alcohol free 12 hours after your BAC reads 0. I Had a very High tolerance to alcohol. Blow a 0.45 on a breathylyzer with no signs of intoxication. It took 8 years to do this. 10 hours to clear my system since I’m 5′10″ 190 pounds. You have to go to a center to make sure alcohol is cleared or you will end up in the ER. google ANTABUSE. I’ve been sober for 7 days. Thank God my husband did not divorce me. I did not hit rock bottum. hope this helps

I so know your pain. I too am in the same boat. My daughter is 4, soon to be 5 and I dont know what to do. My husband is a funcioning alcoholic. It took me awhile to realize it. I guess he is just smarter than me, or just practiced at it. My mother is bypolar and I grew up with her, so I guess sometimes I dont know what normal behavior is, but I knew him in high school and dated for 2 years. We have been 2gether now for 7 years. I love him and dont want to leave. I wish I knew how to help him.

My husband and I have been married for four years. For both of us this is a second marriage. When we dated we would go out for supper and drink and have a really good time. After we were married the drinking continued. I started to feel bad physically and emotionaly so I cut back my drinking to a few glasses of wine a week. My husband still drinks like its a party every night. He polishes off a 40lb of Rye every two days. His memory is going, we have no sex life (he blames me), he drives drunk, he looks for any excuse he can find to go out for lunch with the boys so he can start his drinking earlier in the day. I have confronted him on several occassions and he claims he needs a drink to manage his stress. A drink would be fine but he manages to consume at least 15 - 20 oz of booze every night. We finally had a big blow out the other night, after much crying on both our parts he confessed he still didn’t know why his first wife left him and took his kids. He might still be in love with her. He hasn’t dealt with his past divorce at all and is using alcohol to cope. My husbands refusal to deal with his past and his drinking will eventually ruin our marriage. For now I have decided to stay in the relationship and seek help for myself. I only hope he will be able to join me at some point and resolve his deamons without alcohol. I love him with all my heart.

Dear Sue,

I’m glad you are getting some help for yourself. It will help you gain clarity. You wouldn’t believe the number of marriages that falter because one party has not completed the grieving over the loss of a previous relationship or for being separated from the children. And it’s so stupid, because the emotional effect of loss are treatable. Alcohol simply postpones dealing with it. Without the alcohol and with help, he could have worked through this years ago.

But some would rather suck on a bottle and wallow in grief than face the reality what happened and deal with it.